Difficult People

[MrPin]

All those people that think they met "difficult people" ought to look at themselves.

[This time]

You have my sympathies, my whole family are like that too. I've spent the last decade cutting them out of my life one by one and I feel much better for it. The first person I cut out was my father and I got a bit of 'but you have to talk to him, he's your dad' from a few people but I just pointed out to them that if he was my boyfriend they'd all be telling me to dump his ass since he was really bad for me. The only one I was still occasionally talking to was my mother who I've not spoken to in over a year now since she decided to not bother coming to my wedding or even tell me that she wasn't coming. After I got over the initial upset I was actually happy that she wasn't coming.

My depression and anxiety are so much better now that I don't talk to any of them. These people are why you are sick, no reason to keep exposing yourself to them.

[MrPin]

You have my sympathies, my whole family are like that too. I've spent the last decade cutting them out of my life one by one and I feel much better for it. The first person I cut out was my father and I got a bit of 'but you have to talk to him, he's your dad' from a few people but I just pointed out to them that if he was my boyfriend they'd all be telling me to dump his ass since he was really bad for me. The only one I was still occasionally talking to was my mother who I've not spoken to in over a year now since she decided to not bother coming to my wedding or even tell me that she wasn't coming. After I got over the initial upset I was actually happy that she wasn't coming.

My depression and anxiety are so much better now that I don't talk to any of them. These people are why you are sick, no reason to keep exposing yourself to them.

I like my relatives!

[One-percent]

You have my sympathies, my whole family are like that too. I've spent the last decade cutting them out of my life one by one and I feel much better for it. The first person I cut out was my father and I got a bit of 'but you have to talk to him, he's your dad' from a few people but I just pointed out to them that if he was my boyfriend they'd all be telling me to dump his ass since he was really bad for me. The only one I was still occasionally talking to was my mother who I've not spoken to in over a year now since she decided to not bother coming to my wedding or even tell me that she wasn't coming. After I got over the initial upset I was actually happy that she wasn't coming.

My depression and anxiety are so much better now that I don't talk to any of them. These people are why you are sick, no reason to keep exposing yourself to them.

That's really sad that your own family would do that to you and you have my total sympathy. You seem to have made the right decision for you and it shows that you must be incredibly strong. Not many would be able to break away from family no matter how bad it was

[MrPin]

Fvcking Narcissist

P

Now you see the Way of Pin! Mind you, your religion has been a "laster" Jesus, and I'm just beginning.

[StainlessSteelCat]

I have someone like this in my workplace. First time I've ever encountered this. They were running a campaign of undermining me (and others - inc. their boss) to other colleagues as well as withholding information and making rude/passive aggressive comments directly to me. Senior managers loved them to start because the individual was go-getting, telling them how crap everything was, and that they could fix it. Now some of the senior managers have been targeted themselves, they have belatedly woken up to the problem. Trouble is that entire layer is being restructured so likely it'll take a while for the new lot to recognise the problem.

For myself, financially I could easily walk away from the place - but reluctant to do so given the time invested in the organisation. If it doesn't get better in the next six months, I'll be first in the queue for voluntary redundancy at the next restructure. Life is too short to put up with this shit.

[This time]

That's really sad that your own family would do that to you and you have my total sympathy. You seem to have made the right decision for you and it shows that you must be incredibly strong. Not many would be able to break away from family no matter how bad it was

Moving to London at 19 because I hated living in Ireland made it a lot easier!

[stormymonday_2011]

Ex drummer in my band. Solid gold shit weasel.

Difficult person and drummer are words that are synonymous in my experience.

[JoeDavola]

You have my sympathies, my whole family are like that too. I've spent the last decade cutting them out of my life one by one and I feel much better for it. The first person I cut out was my father and I got a bit of 'but you have to talk to him, he's your dad' from a few people but I just pointed out to them that if he was my boyfriend they'd all be telling me to dump his ass since he was really bad for me. The only one I was still occasionally talking to was my mother who I've not spoken to in over a year now since she decided to not bother coming to my wedding or even tell me that she wasn't coming. After I got over the initial upset I was actually happy that she wasn't coming.

My depression and anxiety are so much better now that I don't talk to any of them. These people are why you are sick, no reason to keep exposing yourself to them.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I admire your courage for breaking free - I think it's natural to feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with people when they're like that. As if you shouldn't feel like that because they're family.

Best move I ever made was finally moving out when I was 26 (of course, I was told that I doing the wrong thing and I wouldn't be able to cope), the last few years of living at home were by far the worst of my life.

I spoke to a very down to earth therapist about it a few years back, and he'd written something vague like "critical parents" and when I started to recall one particular thing, the poor sod actually recoiled in his chair, face scrunched up, and told me in no uncertain terms that what I was describing was emotional abuse.

The thing is, they don't even realize they're doing it. They're not monsters. I just have a low tolerance for these things, especially with how I've been feeling about life in general lately.

[One-percent]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I admire your courage for breaking free - I think it's natural to feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with people when they're like that. As if you shouldn't feel like that because they're family.

Best move I ever made was finally moving out when I was 26 (of course, I was told that I doing the wrong thing and I wouldn't be able to cope), the last few years of living at home were by far the worst of my life.

I spoke to a very down to earth therapist about it a few years back, and he'd written something vague like "critical parents" and when I started to recall one particular thing, the poor sod actually recoiled in his chair, face scrunched up, and told me in no uncertain terms that what I was describing was emotional abuse.

The thing is, they don't even realize they're doing it. They're not monsters. I just have a low tolerance for these things, especially with how I've been feeling about life in general lately.

This be the verse. Phillip Larkin.

[ccc]

So in conclusion:

If your family members are ***** you may well end up with depression type issues ?

Definitely a theme here.

[JoeDavola]

This be the verse. Phillip Larkin.

Ha! Very apt.

[This time]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I admire your courage for breaking free - I think it's natural to feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with people when they're like that. As if you shouldn't feel like that because they're family.

Best move I ever made was finally moving out when I was 26 (of course, I was told that I doing the wrong thing and I wouldn't be able to cope), the last few years of living at home were by far the worst of my life.

I spoke to a very down to earth therapist about it a few years back, and he'd written something vague like "critical parents" and when I started to recall one particular thing, the poor sod actually recoiled in his chair, face scrunched up, and told me in no uncertain terms that what I was describing was emotional abuse.

The thing is, they don't even realize they're doing it. They're not monsters. I just have a low tolerance for these things, especially with how I've been feeling about life in general lately.

It doesn't really matter that they don't realize they're doing it, I think very few emotional abusers actually set out with the intention to abuse. It doesn't make them any less toxic. As I said, they are most likely the root cause of your anxiety and depression but you're using your anxiety and depression to excuse the effect their behaviour has on you. Blaming yourself for the abusers behaviour or how it affects you is a text-book reaction to years of abuse.

[MrPin]

I'm not abusing anyone apart from my party sausage!

[council dweller]

Yep, sounds like a Narcissist to me. Avoid all contact, I also have a close relative. Have not seen him for 12 years.

There`s an Australian woman on You tube who has a lot of video`s on the subject ......this is a serious matter.

Btw, if there`s any money involved just be prepared to walk away.

[One-percent]

I'm not abusing anyone apart from my party sausage!

Just make sure that xyy man's false teeth don't get anywhere near it.

[debtlessmanc]

This be the verse. Phillip Larkin.

Indeed - see my avatar

As to having kids - well I Have and I love them of course - but that is not easy either. Worst aspect of my relationship with my father was my relationship with my brothers - unpleasant lot and my dad knew it ...

[One-percent]

Indeed - see my avatar

As to having kids - well I Have and I love them of course - but that is not easy either. Worst aspect of my relationship with my father was my relationship with my brothers - unpleasant lot and my dad knew it ...

Being really thick here, but give us a clue on the avatar

[Glental]

Can sympathise with those with difficult family members. I have two controlling parents who are fine at a distance but a nightmare to live with. Moving out was liberating. No more bigotry at the dinner table!

Now that my brother and I have left home the negativity turned inwards and they are going through a messy divorce. Two 55 year olds trying to point-score and drag us into their drama at any cost. It worked initially (during the police investigation!) but now I'm having nothing to do with it.

The sad thing is that they can be lovely people, they've just become so negative and self-absorbed.

[debtlessmanc]

Being really thick here, but give us a clue on the avatar

It's Larkin - greatest English language writer of the last 70 years - also miserable old git ..

[One-percent]

It's Larkin - greatest English language writer of the last 70 years - also miserable old git ..

Ah, I was being really dim. Cheers!

[SillyBilly]

I tend to think there is always at least one narcissist in every workplace, you just have to hope your interactions with them are limited. I have learned to develop a thick skin but there is one individual at work who does really test my laid back nature. The other week it was getting to the point where if I'd put a semicolon out of place in a e-mail she'd cc the MD and the OD with a personal rebuke. It culminated in her lecturing me in a very lengthy public e-mail about how business works when I didn't get back to a customer as quickly as she'd like (she has no idea what I actually do or am involved in). The most patronising drivel I had ever read in my life. She has a reputation for doing this in the company but as a department of 1 she is given certain allowances. Fortunately my boss apologised on her behalf and I've kept my distance since. I have worked with some really nasty individuals which I have found easy enough to tolerate once you learn their ways, narcissists are really something else though.

Sympathise with the OP, I have an elder sibling who can, if allowed, throw her weight around in family matters. I have learned to tolerate her in the small amounts I see her, I pretend for my mother's sake to get on but in reality I'd happily have nothing to do with her ever again.

[Battenberg]

It doesn't really matter that they don't realize they're doing it, I think very few emotional abusers actually set out with the intention to abuse. It doesn't make them any less toxic. As I said, they are most likely the root cause of your anxiety and depression but you're using your anxiety and depression to excuse the effect their behaviour has on you. Blaming yourself for the abusers behaviour or how it affects you is a text-book reaction to years of abuse.

When I was having CBT my therapist recommended the book Toxic Parents. Great choice of word.

Personally CBT changed my life and put a lid on my depression. I came to work out why I feel the way I do and why some of the experiences with my parents in particular make me feel and act the way I do. I became less critical of myself, less angry with them and more at peace with my emotions.

Having said that I still need to get myself in the zone when I decide to visit, which isn't often. Like some sort of mental preparation for when I'm heading home and my heads going to be full of chatter.

I'm happier with myself now though and don't need the validation anymore.

[Turned Out Nice Again]

Do you ever spend time with certain people and afterwards you just feel that you need a shower to cleanse yourself of what has just happened.

People who can insult you in such a way that you can't really call them up on it because they can just deny it and let on that you're the unreasonable one.

Passive aggressiveness, sentences that would read innocent but are said in tones of voice to mean other things, then if you call them up they deny they meant that.

Using really angry tones of voice in situations that don't warrant them, then if you finally ask them why they're angry, they angrily tell you that they aren't angry.

Disagreements or attempts to question their opinion are met with great anger. If they spoke to a stranger in the street like this they'd be at risk of getting a broken nose.

The odd bit of subtle mockery here and there. And an underlying feeling afterwards that they think you're a hopeless idiot.

After each encounter with them, even if only for half an hour, your brain feels scrambled for hours or even a day afterwards as you pick apart what the hell just happened and wonder why you left feeling like you'd been punched in the stomach.

- For the record, I know I'm a bit of an overly sensitive mess, but the vast majority of people in my life don't have this effect on me. If they did, I'd accept that I was entirely the problem. -

Rant over.

wife.

[leggers]

I'll put it another way.

I admit that I haven't been in the best of form lately, depression creeping back and some insomnia ect. So generally a bit worn out.

But take two sets of human interactions and the results are completely different - the people who I work with are all generally nice, 'safe' people, and even if I wake up feeling crap I drag myself to work and for the most point my mood will improve because there's a bit of banter with the nice folk in work. You know that you won't feel like you're 'on the back foot' at any time. Without getting too mushy about it, it's human interaction which is good for you, which builds you up as opposed to knocking you down.

But the other people I'm thinking of here, before I see them my anxiety goes up, my guard goes up a bit and I have to think to myself if I'm emotionally equipped today to deal with what may or may not come my way from them this time. Either from the way they behave towards me and/or among themselves. That's not how you should feel about the people you spend time with is it. It shouldn't be that bloody difficult should it.

The fact that you end this with a full stop rather than a question mark says all it needs to.