Families Are Dumbf****!

[juvenal]

My brother is getting married next year, and I've offered to save them a bundle by making the invites. It won't take me three days to make them!

Cheapest way is to just drive past all the invitees' homes shouting the invite through a powerful megaphone.

[mitchbux]

Cheapest way is to just drive past all the invitees' homes shouting the invite through a powerful megaphone.

With petrol at it's current price

[Guest Skinty]

Invite her round.

Sit her down on the sofa.

Ask ... "Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?"

....

Cut off all contact with her

Pretend that you've just won the lottery

[swissy_fit]

my name and my fiances name, plus my nieces name substituted in < >

Swear words modified to avoid filer

SIL:

hi <my name> .all ok, i trust?. i need 2 ask u a question, thats been bugging me 4 awhile-r u going 2 ask <my niece> 2 b a bridesmaid,+ if not why?.ur choice i know but she is ur only niece. x

Me:

Hello. Bridesmaids are the choice of the bride, not the groom

SIL:

Thats a no then <my name> is it?.

cant pretend im not quite p i55ed off about it. its ur wedding 2!. not the best way for <my fiance> 2 bond with ur familiy is it.ok, u have made ur choice, have 2 bite our tonques wont we.does <my fiance> not want 2 b out dun then with every 1 admiring a cute child instead of her!.i thought u always had kids as bridesmaids especially family. oh well know where we stand. not 2 worry. had 2 get that of my chest.

Me:

You are way out of order!

SIL

u r kidding. think ur the 1s out of order. ur <nieces name> uncle 4 christ sake, or dont that count for anything. why u alienating your family. got no back bone <my name> , otherwise u surely would have TOLD <my fiance> she would be a bridesmaid. hope ur kids aint trated like this. ur out of order, or cant u c that???

Me:

**c* off <SIL>

SIL

Excuse me, u get *u****ed. u selfish, spinless tw-at. why u being like this. shes ur NIECE!. Dont give a shit what u think of me, but dont ever pretend ur a gud uncle. talk about being dominated. do u not think she should be a bridesmaid then???

SIL:

do u honestly not think that this would upset several of ur family

SIL:

I wouldn't let <my niece> b bridesmaid now, if u begged

SIL:

U + <my fiance> may understand if u ever have kids. so, so hurtful + 2 be honest unforgiveable. bet if <my fiance> had a niece she would be a bridesmaid.

didnt want this bad feeling, but i cannot believe u wouldnt involve her. shes 3 + ur NIECE! SOD THE PAIR OF U

SIL:

Cat got ur tonque, truth hurts eh

SIL:

<my name> why have u sentt them txts 2 <my brother - her husband>, i have nothing to hide-he's my husband!+also <my niece> dad,+ ur mum and dads grandaughter-or u forgot all that. i was abit abusive + so apologize 4 that. but I meant everything I said.im the only 1 who has confronted u on the matter, cause i guess no-one else wants 2 rock the boar.+ ill say it again shes ur only niece

Me:

if you have nothing to hide there is no issue.We are not having children at the wedding full stop due to the pool and the river!

SIL: ok <my name>, if u say so.ur wedding day.just think how hurt ud b if it was ur daughter

Me: Is <my brother> hurt?

SIL: ud have 2 ask him that.u know <my brothers name> he dont want conflict or arguments.so its always me thats the trouble maker

SIL: hope shes worth it

>then I get forward texts she's sent to my mum from her! Not my mum:-

SIL: Hi <my mums name> im so disgusted + angry with them both 4 not asking <my nieces name> 2 b a bridesmaid, let alone not allowing her at all. that i dont want anything to do with them or their joke of a wedding. sod um.damage dun as far as im concerned. review it, who do they think they r.made their feeling clear, honestly wouldnt care if i never saw them again.as for being an uncle, he aint 1

SIL: Cant speak as just about 2 bath <my nieces name>. what id like 2 know is if <my fiance> had a niece would she b banned + not a bridesmaid. of course not. just selfish + doesnt want <my niece> there.honestly sod um.damage dun

then back to texting me again:-

SIL: Im just gonna say this 2 u both. stick ur wedding ur *rse, me and <my niece> will not b cumming. hope that makes u happy!

then resent again this morning:

SIL: Im just gonna say this 2 u both. stick ur wedding ur *rse, me and <my niece> will not b cumming. hope that makes u happy!

I gave you the right advice before, it was meant as a joke, now I'm not so sure !

www.hitman.com

If you want to stay legal, there's no way back for someone like that, whatever semblance of normality she's been able to portray before has been just that, a semblance. She's barking, and will not get better. Any improvement will be faked and temporary.

Stay calm, concede nothing, and stay away from her, she'll release your brother once she's sucked all the life/money out of him. Poor sod.

[thombleached]

Invite her round.

Sit her down on the sofa.

Ask ... "Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?"

....

Cut off all contact with her

Pretend that you've just won the lottery

Or Whitney Houston

[TeddyBear]

TB, I think you're bang on. She did enter my niece into a 'Baby of the year' type competition.

My niece hardly ever notices us when we go over, she certainly won't cuddle us or respond to us often when we talk to her.

To busy playing with her multitude of toys. So you're right, she isn't going to lose sleep over the event.

Poor kid - agree with Si1 that even at 3 she is probably learning that she's safer in her own little world than trying to live up to the expectations of her Mum and she will associate other adults with pushy behaviour. Meanwhile Sis-in-law has at least had a little bit of "position" by being the young(ish) Mum in the family with the baby to show off and now there's a new young woman coming in who will probably have children and unseat her (in her own mind) from the position she held. She's very very threatened by it all. I imagine she will be wanting another baby very much and, in the future, she will be the sort who will get offended if she judges that your kids are getting more attention from grandparents than hers.

Question is...how to get her to grow up and find meaning in her life before she continues to reek havoc on family relations?

[OnionTerror]

Just a general question really. Is it possible to turn these people around, or are they liable to be like this for the rest of their life? Do these sorts of issues stem from their childhood (as is often said) - rejection for instance. Can even professional expertise ever help these kind of people?

[Si1]

Question is...how to get her to grow up and find meaning in her life before she continues to reek havoc on family relations?

Answer: not your responsiblity. Keep clear and look after your self and your own first.

I know I am going down pop-psychology route again, but giving these people the time of day merely supports their delusions.

joke - how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

answer - just one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change

I do feel sorry for the little girl tho.

[swissy_fit]

Just a general question really. Is it possible to turn these people around, or are they liable to be like this for the rest of their life? Do these sorts of issues stem from their childhood (as is often said) - rejection for instance. Can even professional expertise ever help these kind of people?

I've never known one who got better. Maybe a professional could help, but the person has to acknowledge the problem first and seek help, and I've never seen of these types do that.

[Guest Skinty]

I've never known one who got better. Maybe a professional could help, but the person has to acknowledge the problem first and seek help, and I've never seen of these types do that.

I do wonder if people with these type of personalities are also more likely to find themselves in an abusive relationship. They are the type of people that need very strong barriers set for them by someone who doesn't give a shit otherwise they get too demanding themselves.

[tinker]

Absolutely fascinating thread and an insight into the devious workings of the female mind (I know I mustn't generalise).

The walking on eggshells thing with these kind of women is true. Often baffling, often trivial. I suffered this kind of 'abuse' for a while, picking away, wearing you down, in the end you give up, you say nothing. Anything for a quiet, miserable life. It's in the past now. It's makes you weary though.

Family gatherings tend to bring out the worse - in families.

[Si1]

This woman might actually be normal - we shouldn't diagnose here.

I am a temperemental g*t who my partner does well to deal with sometimes. But when I am out of line, or maybe just when I have gone too far or even if she has had a bad day (you know the score) she tells me off right back and I have to take a hard look at myself and say sorry. Goes both ways when she is insensitive - but I do it far more often. I think that is normal relating tho. It's when discusiing your own behaviour becomes impossible that a problem occurs. We cannot know all the details about this SIL so cannot judge too much.

[OnionTerror]

Family gatherings tend to bring out the worse - in families.

Two friends are looking to get married in 18 months time. The bride's father says that he will not go if his dad is invited, so she's said that as she's closer to her dad than her grandfather, then she won't invite him, although she thinks that she will feel guilty when her grandfather finds out.

Who'd have families? A lot of family events either end up with an argument or a fight, so at least there can be some entertainment.

One thing that does get to me, is they say that "its her big day", err, its a big day for both of them, and not just for one side. Even if I ever get married, it'll be held in a bizarre country, such as Bhutan, to avoid such conflicts.

[swissy_fit]

This woman might actually be normal - we shouldn't diagnose here.

I am a temperemental g*t who my partner does well to deal with sometimes. But when I am out of line she tells me off right back and I have to take a hard look at myself and say sorry. Goes both ways when she is insensitive - but I do it far more often. I think that is normal relating tho. It's when normal relating becomes impossible that a problem occurs. We cannot know all the details about this SIL so cannot judge too much.

Unless Ozz missed out things in the text conversation, I don't buy it. She's over the edge. You saw her reaction when it was suggested she was out of order.

The bit in bold makes all the difference.

[swissy_fit]

Two friends are looking to get married in 18 months time. The bride's father says that he will not go if his dad is invited, so she's said that as she's closed to her dad than her grandfather, then she won't invite him, although she thinks that she will feel guilty when her grandfather finds out.

Who'd have families? A lot of family events either end up with an argument or a fight, so at least there can be some entertainment.

One thing that does get to me, is they say that "its her big day", err, its a big day for both of them, and not just for one side. Even if I get married, it'll be held in a bizarre country, such as Bhutan, to avoid such conflicts.

One can see you've never been through it!

For info, it's not your day in any way shape or form, you are there to play a role. Try to look like Mr D'Arcy and keep quiet!

[Si1]

Unless Ozz missed out things in the text conversation, I don't buy it. She's over the edge. You saw her reaction when it was suggested she was out of order.

The bit in bold makes all the difference.

I might as well clarify

If I were the OP I would judge this SIL by her actions and words alone, which are bad enough - I myself would actively avoid her in future. That is 'whether you are a good or bad person you have been a sh*t to me so I no longer want to deal with you'

It is plausible that she is a psycho. But that is not my judgement to make to others. Then I would be demonstrating issues of my own IMHO.

[Guest Skinty]

Let's review the whole concept of marriage.

You don't need to get married and most people will live together for a while before they do.

In ancient times, a couple would just daub some mud on their faces or something, promise to be with each other and that was that.

It's a legal contract where you declare your partnership to the state.

Why should a change in legal status make any difference to your personal relationship?

And why should you be expected to spend so much money celebrating this change in legal status, especially as house prices are so high and it would be better to pay off debts and have savings instead.

As far as I am concerned, my partner and I are married and the rest is just paper work.

So for the sake of the government, and also not to be manipulated into spending lots of money for the benefit of the wedding industry, I'm thinking that a quick registry wedding would be appropriate if I ever find that I need to get married for legal reasons.

[OzzMosiz]

Unless Ozz missed out things in the text conversation, I don't buy it. She's over the edge. You saw her reaction when it was suggested she was out of order.

The bit in bold makes all the difference.

that was the whole thread, nothing removed or doctored. Quite flabberghasted by it to be honest but not going to let it get to me.

Only shame will be I won't now go over to my brothers, which will mean I see less of my niece, but hey-ho he can always bring her over to see us.

So for the sake of the government, and also not to be manipulated into spending lots of money for the benefit of the wedding industry, I'm thinking that a quick registry wedding would be appropriate if I ever find that I need to get married for legal reasons.

Thats pretty much wha twe are doing with a "service/blessing" in a garden after. Keeping the cost low as possible.

[OnionTerror]

One can see you've never been through it!

For info, it's not your day in any way shape or form, you are there to play a role. Try to look like Mr D'Arcy and keep quiet!

No, I'm not, TF This forum is pushing more and more the other way. Next year, i'll probably have mince shoulder pads.

Marriage is more a women's thing - it makes it harder for the chap to escape, and it provides them with a safety net. Men get the raw deal when it comes to access to their kids, when the inevitable divorce arises (cynical old me!), and the partner normally grabs at least 50% of the assets. I personally just don't see the benefits. I'm only in my early thirties, but the amount of failed relationships & marriages I've seen is just astounding. My aunt has just separated from her husband of ten years, after he told her that he was gay!

[Kingding]

I like being married personally and we get along fine, there are the occasional rows etc. but we are more like mates which is nice and life is good, long may it remain so too

I do have some friends though, both male and female who have chosen partners who are...Well...in all honesty, to call them arseholes would be to malign sphincters. It baffled me, especially one who we warned in not to subtle terms that her other half was seriously bad news, even her parents got in on the act effectively banning him from the house. She ignored everyone and went on to have his child, she now wants to leave him for someone else but is terrified- and I quote here- "that he has the capacity to kill her if he found out".

Also a bloke I know who got together with a girl who was just an utter, utter slapper and despite being warned by all and sundry that she was a box of assorted creams and would screw him over royally he ignored us saying we were just envious and as a result we now have to listen to him weep into his pint while telling us about who he suspects so and so is being balled by....Again.

[Byron]

Thanks - have to say it took me till my late 30s to work out that there are lots of screwed up people out there.

The 'control freak' - i.e. those with serious personality disorders ('control freaks' is an easy way to describe them but does not give justice to the severity of their personality disorders and the damage they do.) - can do so much damage if you do not spot them and then play the game they want. Always refuse to play the game by doing the opposite - often the nicer you are to these vile people the more bitter and wound up they get. Nasty fecks.

One way with some of them is to ask to borrow money off them. They don't like that and tend to avoid you.

[Byron]

Mum is a selfish, immature person who cannot picture that an event should not be about her. I think I feel sorry for the woman though. Her life appears to be so empty she is living through her child. Just can't imagine stirring up all that bitterness for the sake of a 3 year old who won't have much of an idea of what's going on and wouldn't care less about dressing up in a cutesy dress that she will have spilled food down and probably tripped over within the first hour of wearing it. Mum wants attention and to be admired and thinks she would get it with her cutesy kid dressed up as a Bridesmaid. Feel more sorry for the child though who is probably going to be spend the next 10 years being pushed into stage school type activities to live Mum's shattered dreams for her.

A very telling reply. I think the OP should tell his family about the abusive texts and then maintain an injured dignity, refusing to have any more to do with the bitch. Most control freaks who find that they cannot manipulate you lose interest.

The Op's strength is that bridesmaids really are the bride's choice and she will want her friends and youngsters, not someone she may hardly know from the other side of the family. I know that some family's do have them from the husband's side, but traditionally this is not what bridesmaids are about.

[The Masked Tulip]

I like being married personally and we get along fine, there are the occasional rows etc. but we are more like mates which is nice and life is good, long may it remain so too

I do have some friends though, both male and female who have chosen partners who are...Well...in all honesty, to call them arseholes would be to malign sphincters. It baffled me, especially one who we warned in not to subtle terms that her other half was seriously bad news, even her parents got in on the act effectively banning him from the house. She ignored everyone and went on to have his child, she now wants to leave him for someone else but is terrified- and I quote here- "that he has the capacity to kill her if he found out".

Also a bloke I know who got together with a girl who was just an utter, utter slapper and despite being warned by all and sundry that she was a box of assorted creams and would screw him over royally he ignored us saying we were just envious and as a result we now have to listen to him weep into his pint while telling us about who he suspects so and so is being balled by....Again.

The Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disordered person is very astute at becoming the ideal person to whomever their target is - and sometimes kep people such as their intended victim's parent(s) - so that they are special, unique, etc. seemingly the perfect partner that the prey has been looking for.

Anyone else they basically ignore - hence why others can often see through the BPD/NPD but when you are intended prey you often do not have a clue... until a few years later when your life has become a miserable hell.

[Guest Skinty]

The Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disordered person is very astute at becoming the ideal person to whomever their target is - and sometimes kep people such as their intended victim's parent(s) - so that they are special, unique, etc. seemingly the perfect partner that the prey has been looking for.

Anyone else they basically ignore - hence why others can often see through the BPD/NPD but when you are intended prey you often do not have a clue... until a few years later when your life has become a miserable hell.

You make it sound deliberate but I bet none of these people are aware of what they are doing and wouldn't recognise your description of them.

[The Masked Tulip]

You make it sound deliberate but I bet none of these people are aware of what they are doing and wouldn't recognise your description of them.

Alas, and as bizarre as it sounds, yes they are aware and yes it is often deliberate.

That is why it is called a personality disorder and not an illness... although, techincally, they are indeed ill. It is a trait of their personality, the way they are and they view others as prey.

Some are constantly aware of how they are, others are constantly aware of what they perceive as weaknesses of others which they can then exploit, others still are able to push most of this to the back of their minds and from time to time, they have what are known as 'moments of clairty' in which they admit how fecked up they are. Othrerwise, the prey they seek are usally good, decent and naive individuals.

Such people are like this because of their own fecked up childhoods and/or because of abuse or because of how they observed others, mainly parents, being treated or treating others. They are ill but unless they seek help, which most do not, then the reality is that they go through life bringing real misery and hurt to others.

People who have empathy - i.e. consideration, thought and feeling for others - find it very difficult to get their heads around the fact that people exist in this World who have no empathy whatsoever and actually enjoy hurting others emotionally and/or physically. Hence why we have the labels of sociopath and pyschopath.