Sorry to hear that Si. I fully understand what they are like and what it can do to you.
My mother, born late '44, is almost certainly a narc too (most go undiagnosed because they don't believe anything could be wrong with THEM...) and I don't know whether Dad, born 41, is slightly lower down the spectrum or just suffering from being the son and husband of a full-blown Narc (and brother of, if my childhood memories of my now deceased uncle are correct).
I dread to think how much money they have wasted in IFA fees over the years, but they think it impressed people that they had enough spare cash to need a 'financial advisor'. I got their 'man' to quote me for some saving products, and it took me no time at all to realise that I would be better off setting up a direct debit to a normal savings account than I would sticking money in the product he was offering me.
Their first home was bought in '70, a three bed semi most families today would happily have as their home. They bought, for £25K, what we refer to as 'tantrum towers' in the late 70's, with a combination of inheritance from my mother's parents and an endowment mortgage (yes, one of those that earnt a huge lump sum when it matured). The place had lead pipes, cloth covered wiring, no central heating, needed a new roof, woodworm... My childhood was one of being told we couldn't afford things because every penny was either being spent on the house or squirreled away for 'early retirement'. They could have comfortably bought a big but modern house and saved themselves all the expense and hassle, but mother had 'always wanted this house' since the first time she saw it...
Their fuels bills are four times what ours are, and we live in a four-bed detached! Dad kept quizzing my OH on what sort of boiler we have, as though changing theirs for a condensing combi will miraculously compensate for large rooms, high ceilings, draughts and only having two human beings rattling around in the place. Note he doesn't ask me because I'm female, what would I know about such things...
Most of their 'mates' (or should that be the Joneses...) either have downsized or are in the process of doing so, because they want to do it whilst 'they are still fit enough to cope with the upheaval of moving' and they 'want to reduce their running costs' whilst they have the chance. Mother will, without a doubt, let the place rot around her and her collection of expensive (but worthless) hand-painted china ornaments.
Dad only ever had two jobs in his entire life, and one of them was just a stepping stone to the 30 year job that set him up with a decent final salary pension from the age of 60. He worked away some times, but all in all it was a fairly cushy deskjob. He retired at 58 on a huge lump sum he got for taking voluntary redundancy. His pension was enhanced as part of the package, and he was able to leave that untouched until he turned 60. I know for a fact, as I worked for the same company for a while, that he paid in 5% to get his 66.7%.
Mum gave up work when she got married, and did some part-time work from my late teens until she retired, at 56. She hasn't got much pension behind her, what little contributions she did make were with Equitable Life... but her 'sucking up to dying relatives' yielded her half a house in London, and a tidy amount on top. It was a hoarders house, and when at one point she found a more recent but unsigned will that only gave her 10% you should have heard her rants of disgust. I'm cynical enough to believe if a signed copy did turn up during the clear out that it 'disappeared'. Don't get me started on the number of times I've heard how she doesn't think she should have to pay tax on the interest she earns on it because the relative paid tax during his working life, and she had to pay inheritance tax on the estate...
Mother has a sense of entitlement the size of Wales...and her hypocrisy is massive. poor improverished pensioner one minute, then bleating that shop staff should give her age group better service because 'we are the ones with the money'
They've dangled small sums of money around from time to time, always with conditions. Their money has also been used behind my back to control me. They've never put anything away for their grandchildren, preferring the granny gives them a pound every time they see them, and buying more plastic tat than my IL's approach so that the kids think they're generous.
My potential inheritance has been repeatedly dangled over me in return for them 'not going into a home', despite both of my parents not taking care of their own. I doubt they will be anything left after all the fuel bills, car upgrades, house maintenance, trinkets and holidays. I'd put the pair of them in a home in the blink of an eye.
My lovely IL's on the other hand...
Started with nothing, FIL volunteered for national service to get away from his home life. When he married they lived with his IL's in their rented home. OH's cot was a bottom draw, first 'bedroom' was when they nailed a sheet to the ceiling to create a divide.
FIL grafted all the hours he could doing building work, and my MIL worked in a pub in the evenings whilst relatives took care of their baby. They bought a piece of land in the late 60's, and FIL built them their home in his 'spare' time, and ended up having a very bad bout of Pneumonia in the process.
He worked away for long periods to chase the best paying work he could get. He was mortgage free in his early 40's, and since then built up a small property portfolio, that he never leveraged to buy. They never inherited a penny, but did both benefit from fairly decent occupational pensions.
The IL's have been generous with their kids, and likewise with their grandkids without ever placing the slightest of conditions on their generosity. Yes they do give our kids cash in hand occasionally, but it is dwarfed by the sums they have stashed in their savings accounts where they can't yet see it.
My IL's both say that they don't want to lumber either of their kids with their care...but frankly I'd take either of them in at a moments notice and nurse them to their dying breath.
Enjoy your Mum Si, she sounds lovely, but don't waste your time together discussing your Narc. Life is too short for Narcs, which is why I've left mine to wallow in their toxicity. I feel better for it... I have a better relationship with my kids because of it...
I'm even wishing I hadn't just typed about them...it's given me a headache.