Vested Disinterest Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Here's one I heard a recent sunny weekend walking past some people - not verbatim, but I hope you get the drift. "You know we don't need a placebo, there are always shady trees we can sit under." The other person just nodded in agreement, while I nearly weed myself. Any more? [edit: added post icon] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juvenal Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 A woman handling a fox fur at a retro clothing market stall. Her friend said 'That's not real fur. It's stimulated...' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Y-QUERK Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I heard a stunning blonde say "God I feel so ******ing shit" the other day. I wonder if it was STDs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Miller Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 A woman handling a fox fur at a retro clothing market stall. Her friend said 'That's not real fur. It's stimulated...' I was in a very up market pub restaurant with my blond girlfriend (of the time), I ordered a steak and she ordered a peasant! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dances with sheeple Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Here's one I heard a recent sunny weekend walking past some people - not verbatim, but I hope you get the drift.The other person just nodded in agreement, while I nearly weed myself. Any more? ? you were stoned? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dances with sheeple Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 A woman handling a fox fur at a retro clothing market stall. Her friend said 'That's not real fur. It's stimulated...' she`s just thinking about her rabbit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vested Disinterest Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 I heard a stunning blonde say "God I feel so ******ing shit" the other day. I wonder if it was STDs. I've gone through my dictionary of six letter expletives and came up blank... Did you censor that or did HPC? (Blimey, you have to type carefully on this thread to avoid being a hypocrite!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dances with sheeple Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I heard a stunning blonde say "God I feel so ******ing shit" the other day. I wonder if it was STDs. She`s just realised she is a C.U.N.T and a new handbag can`t fix it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vested Disinterest Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 ? you were stoned? unfortunately not. think of a childish word for urinated - but now I realise that pissed is not filtered by the board software... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
19 year mortgage 8itch Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I was once in a shop in Manchester and a woman asked the staff if the nice smell was "one of those incest sticks" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garry AKA Pod Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I was once in a shop in Manchester and a woman asked the staff if the nice smell was "one of those incest sticks" Were they imported from Austria? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juvenal Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I used to have a menu from a Spanish camping site which stated 'Roasted chickens may be had for consummation in your caravan...' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garry AKA Pod Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I used to have a menu from a Spanish camping site which stated 'Roasted chickens may be had for consummation in your caravan...' That camp site sounds fowl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
surfcat Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 An example of when someone tries to write something that they have only ever heard, but not read: (actually this was on MSE) "I suffer from low self of steam" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vested Disinterest Posted July 14, 2009 Author Share Posted July 14, 2009 An example of when someone tries to write something that they have only ever heard, but not read: (actually this was on MSE)"I suffer from low self of steam" brilliant. some people are such Palestines! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Skinty Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I went into a hair dressers and asked for a "wet cut and blow". Her curious yet stern glance made me realise that I had forgotten the word "dry". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KingBingo Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I was sat in a American diner near some other Brits. The Brit woman asked for some Orange juice, the waitress asked if she wanted a pitcher. The Brit woman replied "no thank you, I know what it looks like" Both me and her husband were pissing ourselves laughing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
profitofdoom Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I was sat in a American diner near some other Brits.The Brit woman asked for some Orange juice, the waitress asked if she wanted a pitcher. The Brit woman replied "no thank you, I know what it looks like" Both me and her husband were pissing ourselves laughing. At Anfield (Watching my team get stuffed) Half time: Scouser in front says to his son "I think you will see a complete change of tactics in the second half" Son:"You think so dad?" Dad: "Yes,they will kick in the other direction". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leveller Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I was talking to a woman who was sun bathing beside us at the beach last week, and I mentioned how refreshing it was swimming in the sea. I asked her if she had been for a swim that day, "I'm afraid not", she said, "I can only swim doggy style" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Furious Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Travelling on the tube a few years back with an African Christian Preacher going through the verses, one of the passengers cried "Blessed are the Big noses". This started off a whole chorus of "I'm Brian"'s etc etc The African guy looked utterly bemused Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I hate these bastardizations of language, and I hate it when people use them so confidently to try to sound intelligent. I especially hate mixed metaphors - they provide such a nice giggle for anyone educated enough to know what they wanted to say, but it still grates nonetheless. "All roads to Rome weren't built in a day" EH? "Hoisted on a rod for your own back" YOU WHAT? "In the sea of life there are many crossroads" NON COMPRENDEZ, CABLONE! Oh, yes "Don't cry over split hairs" GAAAAAAAAH! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest theboltonfury Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I once heard a man in my old office say, in all seriousness, 'well butter me on both sides and stick me in a Breville' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Skinty Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I was sat in a American diner near some other Brits.The Brit woman asked for some Orange juice, the waitress asked if she wanted a pitcher. The Brit woman replied "no thank you, I know what it looks like" Ah yes, the Brit in America. Always a source of comedy. My brother, drunk in a bar in Chicago got some worried looks when he said: "I'm pissed. I'm going for a slash" A friend of my mother's after being trapped in a lift with her husband told her rescuers: "We were banging on the door for ages to get your attention" Also told of a young girl about the age of 7 bringing down the full wrath of the teacher when she called someone a twit. To her it was like calling someone a muppet or a twit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pick It Down Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Ah yes, the Brit in America. Always a source of comedy.My brother, drunk in a bar in Chicago got some worried looks when he said: "I'm pissed. I'm going for a slash" A friend of my mother's after being trapped in a lift with her husband told her rescuers: "We were banging on the door for ages to get your attention" Also told of a young girl about the age of 7 bringing down the full wrath of the teacher when she called someone a twit. To her it was like calling someone a muppet or a twit. The Brit in France is good too. A lady gave me a good chuckle when she pointed in Gallic fashion at something in a shop display and asked "Une... of those please". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shindigger Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Here's one I heard a recent sunny weekend walking past some people - not verbatim, but I hope you get the drift.The other person just nodded in agreement, while I nearly weed myself. Any more? [edit: added post icon] What, pacifically, is your point? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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