The big D thread

[MrPin]

As Mr CCC says, she won't set sail without sight of another lighthouse. A similar thing happened to me. I knew something was up so I said nothing and just observed. I hired the van and she paid for the fuel, and we moved our separate things out.

[The Knimbies who say No]

Very sorry to hear that TONA. I really hope you and your children can get through the xmas shitfest. It's no time to be facing this sort of stuff. You are obviously a very smart and interested person who loves his children. They are very fortunate.

[Wahoo]

Really really feel for you and know what you're going through.  Been there too.

And in your darkest moments, when all you want is the pain to go.....just tell yourself that one day the sun will shine again.

And it does....it really does. 

Quote

I am a Man. Hath not a Man eyes? Hath not a Man hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a Woman is? If you ***** us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?

 

[mikthe20]

7 hours ago, jfk said:

Don't leave the house (unless you have a written agreement via solicitors), you'll be in infinitely worse position later on (as I found out).

This! This is absolutely correct and vital.

[canbuywontbuy]

It's hard to reconcile the idea of romance and love with the practicalities of divorce. When things turn sour, everything is reduced to material belongings and visiting hours (if you have kids).  And that's if things go well.  If they go bad, you see adults reduced to displaying child-like tantrums and depraved vindictiveness. 

[canbuywontbuy]

Just my advice, but if a guy is serious about a woman, he really has to pay close attention to her wider social circle.  Like it or not, her friends will almost certainly be a bigger influence on her decision-making than you (the male partner).  What am I saying by "almost certainly"? I mean, certainly. I don't just mean that they sit down and conspire together (though some end up doing), but they judge themselves against their peers.  If her friend gets divorced, and her friend's Facebook feed shows her "living the high life, free and single!", that can make a woman jealous and feel like her married life is boring.  YOLO, right?! You really have to look at that wider social circle - what kind of friends does she have? What pernicious influence do they have over her that is under the day-to-day radar?

And you know what? It might not even matter these days.  What woman isn't walking around face down into her phone all day?  If she spends a lot of time on Facebook,  I could not take her seriously.  She will be consuming the "highlight reels" of people's lives on a daily basis.  When you settle down, is she going to start to feel like her life is boring compared to the constant Facebook YOLO "high-life" she reads about? Even if it's not Facebook, you have Mumsnet, or whatever else women flock to.  Too much pressure to want the "have it all, YOLO lifestyle" because everyone's living it, after all - look at Facebook - everyone's living the life of Riley. Apparently. 

So to sum it up, don't get into a serious relationship in the internet era!

[JoeDavola]

4 hours ago, canbuywontbuy said:

Just my advice, but if a guy is serious about a woman, he really has to pay close attention to her wider social circle.  Like it or not, her friends will almost certainly be a bigger influence on her decision-making than you (the male partner).  What am I saying by "almost certainly"? I mean, certainly. I don't just mean that they sit down and conspire together (though some end up doing), but they judge themselves against their peers.  If her friend gets divorced, and her friend's Facebook feed shows her "living the high life, free and single!", that can make a woman jealous and feel like her married life is boring.  YOLO, right?! You really have to look at that wider social circle - what kind of friends does she have? What pernicious influence do they have over her that is under the day-to-day radar?

And you know what? It might not even matter these days.  What woman isn't walking around face down into her phone all day?  If she spends a lot of time on Facebook,  I could not take her seriously.  She will be consuming the "highlight reels" of people's lives on a daily basis.  When you settle down, is she going to start to feel like her life is boring compared to the constant Facebook YOLO "high-life" she reads about? Even if it's not Facebook, you have Mumsnet, or whatever else women flock to.  Too much pressure to want the "have it all, YOLO lifestyle" because everyone's living it, after all - look at Facebook - everyone's living the life of Riley. Apparently. 

So to sum it up, don't get into a serious relationship in the internet era!

Yup, exactly.

I think looking at a woman's circle of friends is actually more important than her family; after all one can't choose their family. If the women she's hanging out with regularly seem to spend lots of time slagging off their husbands, evening 'jokingly', run a mile.

I wonder has anyone done research into how the probability of divorce goes up depending on how many friends a woman has are divorced or are getting divorced? Bound to be a strong link.

 

 

[JoeDavola]

4 hours ago, canbuywontbuy said:

she going to start to feel like her life is boring compared to the constant Facebook YOLO "high-life" she reads about?

I've seen that happen with women over the course of a couple of dates, never mind a couple of years. They've found you terribly exciting on the first and second date but if you're unable to keep up the rapid-fire banter endlessly there's some other bloke doing something wacky in the bar let's go and talk to him.

Ran across the first woman I dated (and was instantly besotted with) recently, who behaved like this. Five years ago she was thin, doe eyed and generally gorgeous in her early 20's. Now in her late 20's, she's fat, with a cynical, thousand-c0ck-stare-esque look on her face, and is openly advertising for casual sex partners on a well known dating website.

Felt terribly sad when I saw her, but I shouldn't really, her choice and all that.

[The Masked Tulip]

22 hours ago, DrMartinSanchez said:

The Masked Tulip called it a few months ago on the DOSB thread!

http://www.housepricecrash.co.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/147969-deluded-old-scrapper-birds-on-dating-sites/&do=findComment&comment=1103117336

 

Well, so many of them got married when their heroine Carrie in 'Sex & The City' got married that it is only inevitable that they now continue to live their lives through her. Even now, dating sites are full of female profiles stating that they are seeking their 'Mr. Big' - that is a reference from a character in that show. (Yep, I know that )

Edit:

Just to add - in Sarah Jessica Parker's new show 'Divorce', about a woman who decides to divorce her husband after about 15 years of marriage, she does so... just before Christmas.

[The Masked Tulip]

20 hours ago, rw42 said:

This, really. We were friends before we started dating, played a lot of online games together, had a lot of contact.

Since the breakup, i see her playing the same games, around the same places, but absolutely zero contact. It's like we never met in the first place, last few years completely erased. And yes, i'm beating myself up wondering what i did wrong. 

 

Read these:

10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully

Quote

8 Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.

Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.

 

Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of Borderline Personality Disorder?Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of Borderline Personality Disorder?

Quote

One of the reasons so many men stay and keep trying to fix what they know is a broken relationship is that it often takes a while for them to finally shake the feeling that the woman they were in love with could still be somewhere inside of the person who has turned against them. Others experience the abrupt personality reversal as the actual loss of the person they were in love with. They may find that they cannot recover unless they go through stages of grieving that are similar to those who have lost a loved one.

 

[The Masked Tulip]

These might be useful reading for some of you:

An Unconventional Approach to Surviving the Holidays If You’re Recently Single

Why Abusive, High-Conflict, Personality-Disordered Women Frequently Ruin Christmas

After an Abusive Relationship: Getting Through the Christmas and New Year’s Holidays Without Her

Top 10 Christmas Gifts for your Abusive, High-Conflict Wife or Girlfriend

Top 10 Holiday Gifts for the Narcissist in your Life

[The Masked Tulip]

This was posted by a chap on Mumsnet last night. Basically he accessed his wife's whatsapp and discovered:
 

Quote

I don't even know where to start
I just found WhatsApp messages on my wifes phone seems like I'm getting a divorce in the new year and from the chats shes been having with a married man if she isn't sleeping with him already she soon will be
I don't know what to do I don't know whether to confront her now or wait till I calm down and am thinking clearly
we have a 5yr old dd this will break her heart and I don't want to be the cause of that

 

Absolutely gutted

[The Masked Tulip]

3 hours ago, JoeDavola said:

I've seen that happen with women over the course of a couple of dates, never mind a couple of years. They've found you terribly exciting on the first and second date but if you're unable to keep up the rapid-fire banter endlessly there's some other bloke doing something wacky in the bar let's go and talk to him.

Ran across the first woman I dated (and was instantly besotted with) recently, who behaved like this. Five years ago she was thin, doe eyed and generally gorgeous in her early 20's. Now in her late 20's, she's fat, with a cynical, thousand-c0ck-stare-esque look on her face, and is openly advertising for casual sex partners on a well known dating website.

Felt terribly sad when I saw her, but I shouldn't really, her choice and all that.

 

Any woman whose dating profile says things like "Looking for someone to make me happy" or "Make me happy" is a must avoid. We are all responsible for our own happiness and only then can a partner possibly make us happier.

Imagine if you had been stuck in a relationship with Mrs. Blobby for a few years and then were now seeing her sh*gging around on some dating site.

[The Masked Tulip]

21 hours ago, rw42 said:

This, really. We were friends before we started dating, played a lot of online games together, had a lot of contact.

Since the breakup, i see her playing the same games, around the same places, but absolutely zero contact. It's like we never met in the first place, last few years completely erased. And yes, i'm beating myself up wondering what i did wrong. 

Divorce and Break-Ups: There Is No Closure with a Narcissistic or Borderline Woman

[Guest TheBlueCat]

23 hours ago, mikthe20 said:

This! This is absolutely correct and vital.

Why is that?

[mikthe20]

32 minutes ago, TheBlueCat said:

Why is that?

Get accused of abandonment by the wife/lawyer, path to losing assets and proper access to children other than seeing them every other weekend whilst living in a bedsit. 

IMO, she's decided she wants out so why should she not get out? I say this as a divorced man who has his kids live with him full time in the family home and whose ex-wife pays child maintenance. Every man seems to think the default is that the wife gets to stay in the house with the kids and so just leaves as he thinks it's the norm and will save any hassle. It doesn't have to be that way, and often the dad is the better primary carer for the children, particularly if the wife has the mental (see TMT's posts above) or just wants to ship another bloke straight in. 

[Guest TheBlueCat]

39 minutes ago, mikthe20 said:

Get accused of abandonment by the wife/lawyer, path to losing assets and proper access to children other than seeing them every other weekend whilst living in a bedsit. 

IMO, she's decided she wants out so why should she not get out? I say this as a divorced man who has his kids live with him full time in the family home and whose ex-wife pays child maintenance. Every man seems to think the default is that the wife gets to stay in the house with the kids and so just leaves as he thinks it's the norm and will save any hassle. It doesn't have to be that way, and often the dad is the better primary carer for the children, particularly if the wife has the mental (see TMT's posts above) or just wants to ship another bloke straight in. 

Interesting. It doesn't work that way in Ontario (not sure about elsewhere in Canada).

[Wahoo]

20 minutes ago, TheBlueCat said:

Interesting. It doesn't work that way in Ontario (not sure about elsewhere in Canada).

It doesn't work this way in UK ....family courts are sexist. And the pussy pass seems to win 99% of cases.

Blokes get shafted.....usually.

[rw42]

13 hours ago, The Masked Tulip said:

 

Read these:

http://www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/ex-girlfriend-traits-borderline-personality-disorder/

Description of BPD is ringing all sorts of alarm bells.

[The Masked Tulip]

1 minute ago, rw42 said:

Description of BPD is ringing all sorts of alarm bells.

 

Well, in a way that is positive. It will help explain why things have happened in a certain way and help you to eventually move beyond all of the cr*p that you are feeling now.

Also, probably much more importantly, it will hopefully be a lesson learnt, as painful as it is now, which should help you avoid similar women in the future and instead find a lovely person.

[Economic Exile]

I'm sorry that life is troublesome for you TONA regarding your marriage but most off all your worries about the future of your kids. I always enjoy your interesting posts.

I agree with the male poster who said be careful about leaving the family home because your wife has said she wants a divorce. Why should you?

My ex husband wanted a divorce because he had a new partner. I would guess he was very different to you as a father though. He wanted me to leave the family home by selling it so he could get set up in life with his new girlfriend. I thought why should I do that?

He didn't keep me so I dug in and said no, I wasn't prepared to sell up. Of course I know now that the law was on my side but I didn't then and I done ok because I just had to buy him out and pay him a bit of money to keep the family home.

If I were you I wouldn't be prepared to walk away with very little from my life's work because someone else wanted it! Can your wife buy you out so you can have a decent future? Has she thought about how she will provide for the children? Or are you expected to pay for that and her ideas on a different single person life? Maybe you can keep the family home and bring the kids up and free her for her ideas on a better life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[canbuywontbuy]

Rant ahead....please take your blood pressure pills if you're prescribed any, the following post contains references to feminism.

I don't see anything in modern society that regulates female behaviour.  The conventional thinking goes like this....(again, reading discretion is advised) :

• we live in a patriarchy
• men are privleged, women are victims. 
• a wage gap exists
• domestic violence is always assumed to mean female victim, male perpetrator - even when it's emotional(!)
• men cannot be raped by women
• society in general sees women as in need of protection from men, but men do not need protection from women
• the MSM takes a "there, there, you poor thing" approach to women - men are expendable.  You are not allowed to say it infantilizes women because they are victims, remember?

I'm not letting men off the hook here.  I see that men are far more likely to "white knight" and protect women no matter what, while women also have a sisterhood where they condone each other's behaviour even if it's bad.  Feminism continues to indoctrinate students at universities, and the MSM indoctrinate the above feminist messages to the wider populations.

What does all of this add up to?

Female behaviour that is utterly unregulated by society.  Society gives female bad behaviour a pass in every situation.  This is why we are seeing so many toxic women out there.  They have never been told "wind your neck in, you're not all that".  They've never faced admonishment from society (that would be sexist).  All kinds of personality disorders are on display on the highstreets of the United Kingdom on any given evening: delusions of grandeur, narcissistic personality disorder, rageaholics, BPD, the works. 

Look at children who are never disciplined.  They turn into brats.  Now we have grown women who are brats.  Discipline in this case just means social admonishment of bad behaviour. 

I think men could fall into the same trap women have fallen into. In other societies where it's men who are put on a pedestal and not women, the same personality disorders become more prevalent in men.

Rant over....

[ccc]

Look at the outcry over skinny mannequins used in shops and some places now using more 'real' larger ones instead.

If you ever read about this or see it reported on the TV there is one very glaring thing that you probably won't notice until its pointed out.

It's ALL about female mannequins and females complaining about it

There are no plus size male mannequins out there.

So what does this tell us ? It's ok to be fat if your a female but not if your male.

Totally nuts really.

 

[Frank Hovis]

4 minutes ago, ccc said:

Look at the outcry over skinny mannequins used in shops and some places now using more 'real' larger ones instead.

If you ever read about this or see it reported on the TV there is one very glaring thing that you probably won't notice until its pointed out.

It's ALL about female mannequins and females complaining about it

There are no plus size male mannequins out there.

So what does this tell us ? It's ok to be fat if your a female but not if your male.

Totally nuts really.

 

Simple market forces though. Far more women's clothes are sold than men's and as there are plenty of fashion stores very profitably selling clothes to slim women there's a clear opening for profitably selling fashionable clothes to fat women.

Men's clothes shopping (well, mine anyway) is generally triggered by realising they have a hole in their shirt or trousers and going to a familiar shop to buy a similar-looking replacement. Not by seeing a jacket on a mannequin and deciding it's a "must have".

[MrPin]

36 minutes ago, Frank Hovis said:

Men's clothes shopping (well, mine anyway) is generally triggered by realising they have a hole in their shirt or trousers and going to a familiar shop to buy a similar-looking replacement. Not by seeing a jacket on a mannequin and deciding it's a "must have".

Shop like a MAN, eh?