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Turned Out Nice Again

The big D thread

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Wifie handed me my marching orders on Monday after 16.5 years of marriage, 2 kids and 13 months of Phoney War and yesterday I told her "D'Accord" which presumably means I'm moving into the Acceptance phase of grief, having said which, we've still got to inform the kids before Christmas and if they crack up I expect I'm going to blub.

To be fair, she's probably wiser than I and a change was definitely in order as neither of us is going anywhere currently. So new directions in 2017. Nothing stays the same for long (but you already knew that) and given the rising divorce stats for the over-50s I sadly expect this thread to be added-to over the coming years.

Thanks for the memories Darling.

 

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Very sorry to hear that - I hope you all end up happier as a result and that for everyone's sake nobody tries to screw anybody over in the divorce courts.

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Very sorry to hear your news.  I know it's a difficult time. A good blub may be very cleansing. Please take care of yourself. There's a lot to look forward to that you won't be able to see yet. Try to keep lawyers out of it, or at least curb the worst excesses. We're always here on HPC when you want a good rant. ☺️

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I think that's very sad. 

Do you really need to tell the children this side of Christmas? Another month after 16.5 years shouldn't be a problem and you should both be grown up enough to keep the peace for their sake. 

 

 

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5 minutes ago, Battenberg said:

I think that's very sad. 

Do you really need to tell the children this side of Christmas? Another month after 16.5 years shouldn't be a problem and you should both be grown up enough to keep the peace for their sake. 

 

 

Having been in a similar situation, if you can keep it together over Christmas you should probably try to.  As another poster said please, please keep away from engaging legal advice unless there is no other option.  Get a mediator if you need someone a little more dispassionate, it will be much cheaper.

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Sorry to hear that TONA, although it sounds like you think it's the right thing so that's good. Would concur with others that if poss wait until after Christmas as it's so close now - otherwise they'll associate Christmas with the pain of hearing about the divorce.

I found this book really useful for how to deal with divorce and kids (and gave a copy to my ex at the time): https://www.amazon.co.uk/Its-No-Big-Deal-Really/dp/1905745249

I know you've mentioned your situation before and it's not a shock, but why are you the one leaving and not her?

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Sad news, only thing I can really add is divorce doesn't have to be the traumatic experience it's often depicted to be. That's not to say you won't have a plenty to deal with but it's do able and you will come out the other side. Unfortunately that depends on both parties, but it is possible.

I obviously know neither you or your wife, but you need to mentally prepare yourself that there will be times she does or asks for something completely unreasonable and unfair. It's how you react in that situation that will determine how bad it's going to be. What I mean by that is regardless of how well you think things are going in terms of a negotiation there will more than likely be something that blindsides you, I've seen it many times and encountered it myself. If you know it's coming then it will be less of a shock and you can deal with it rationally, rather than react on instinct, if it doesn't happen then nothing lost at all.

Despite the reputation divorce in this country is actually fair to both parties, the issue of course is that to get there can take rather a lot of legal advice and money,  so you need to pick carefully which battles to fight and which ones are worth winning. Kids of course muddy the waters.

Didn't have kids with my ex-wife so can't really say much on that, but the suggestions from everybody else seem sensible to me. No idea how old your kids are but you don't want to totally (for want of a better word) poison their memory of a time I'm sure they are excited about at present. Next Christmas will of course present challenges but at least they will have had some time to get used to the situation.

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4 hours ago, Turned Out Nice Again said:

Wifie handed me my marching orders on Monday after 16.5 years of marriage, 2 kids and 13 months of Phoney War and yesterday I told her "D'Accord" which presumably means I'm moving into the Acceptance phase of grief, having said which, we've still got to inform the kids before Christmas and if they crack up I expect I'm going to blub.


Blub. You're allowed.
And there are always people on here to listen.

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As mikthe20 said....why you ?

As I said, the wife said she was leaving in March of this year. I quickly snapped into action...and bought a new motorbike ! Sadly she`s still around.

Anyway your wife sounds like a bad lot.

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A friend of mine is retiring soon - early 60's and great physical health.

He's an easy going soft spoken type; just the sort of poor sod to end up with a nutjob of a wife. His kids have grown up and he is divorced, I don't know know how long he's been divorced but that's irrelevant.

What is relevant is that as a healthy single man with hobbies who is well liked by everyone, he's living a better life than if he was trying to keep a wife happy who wasn't into him for whatever reason. And looking forward to his retirement, he can downsize and be completely free to do whatever he wants; travel the world, spend time with his kids, pursue his hobbies.

What I'm saying is that even though you might have some tough months ahead, in 15 years you might look back at this, and at the life you have then, and be grateful that this has happened.

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Mate, many of us have gone through this.  You will come out the other side, and in a while there will be a sublime moment where you realise you are FREE.

However, I would echo the other posters who say you should request - in writing - to your wife that you do not tell the kids until the new year.

Note, in writing.  from now on , document everything.  You will thank me later.

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My sympathies. Been there myself.

Divorce can be relatively painless as long as both parties avoid feuding. Keep lawyers out of it as much as possible.

Place the interests of the kids above anything else.

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1 hour ago, wherebee said:

 from now on , document everything.  You will thank me later.

Good point - there's bound to be some sort of 'divorce survival guide' out there; things that one needs to start doing once divorce proceedings have been started.

And if you want a possible example of how your divorce might proceed, look at any divorces that have happened to your wife's close friends/family; as they'll be the one's she's getting advice from on this.

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2 minutes ago, council dweller said:

Yes, my wife gets advise from the NHS !

Right, so it's not that she won't divorce you; it's just that you've been put on a really long waiting list ;)

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6 minutes ago, council dweller said:

And women are completely hooked on conflict, conflict and more conflict.

Yup.

This is becoming a major problem for me in work. There are a few women that I work with, depressingly who rank higher than me, who spend much of their time complaining and bickering. Lot's of grudges seem to form between the women in work too. I'm seeing in an average 8 hour work day, 6 hours of women emoting to each other and if you're lucky 2 hours of actual work. It's doing my ******ing nut in to be frank.

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Yes it`s all going MGTOW innit. `Women are like that`.

Three of four years ago my wife was on about transferring my council house to her name and then buying in. Glad I didn't !

 

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Sorry to hear this TONA. We will be here for you so just remember that you can always come here and rant or seek advice.

The five stages of grief thing - don't fight it, acknowledge it, admit it is there and just go with the flow. I mean, don't try to "be a man" and bottle things up inside.

As others have commented have a good few cries, go to a beach or the countryside and shout, rant, blow off steam. Get all the feelings and stuff that has built up over the years out of your system. I regularly have a rant at the Universe and wave my fist up to the Heavens. Do the same.

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How old are your kids?

Hopefully they are 13+ then it'll make the whole continued contact easier - assuming they have to stay wit the mum.

Youre divorcing now. Fck the soon to be ex. Its the kids that count now.

Take a few in the ass and the wallet for their happiness.

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Not quite in the same league, but split up with my girlfriend of 3 years last month - only half a year after i'd agreed to buy a flat off plan in her home town, which would have been a 2 hour commute for me. She hasn't spoken to me since we handed over eachothers belongings, and i can't even begin to process wtf is going on in her head until i've found a way to sell a flat which i'm committed to buy in a town i don't want to live in any more. 

Sometimes life really does stink. 

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6 minutes ago, rw42 said:

Not quite in the same league, but split up with my girlfriend of 3 years last month - only half a year after i'd agreed to buy a flat off plan in her home town, which would have been a 2 hour commute for me. She hasn't spoken to me since we handed over eachothers belongings, and i can't even begin to process wtf is going on in her head until i've found a way to sell a flat which i'm committed to buy in a town i don't want to live in any more. 

Sometimes life really does stink. 

 

rw42 - talk to us about it. We might not be able to help in practical terms re the flat but we can be here for you, let you sound things out and at least provide you with some emotional support. What caused the split? (If you don't wish to share no problem.).

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