Relationship Advice Sought - Becoming A Househusband

[justthisbloke]

And if she decides she doesn't want to work either and gives up her job?

In that instance we'd move somewhere cheaper and both not work. Personally, I'd have rather done this first - as I've never wanted her to be in a position of "needing" to work. Being an unreconstituted stone age Man, I've always firmly held the burden of "providing" and it's not a weight I'd willingly place on my wife. It has been immensely stressful on occasion whereas Mrs JTB has always been able to operate without such constraints. It's worked for us as, I think, I handle workplace stresses better than she does - and she knows how the washing machine works.

[Hail the Tripod]

I work from home while my wife works in London. I actually work full time and earn a little more than her so I'm not really a house husband, but because I'm at home I tend to do the laundry, most of the cooking and looking after the kids. There is certainly a subtle undertone of disdain among women for a man who takes on these traditionally female tasks in anything other than a token way. You may need to overcompensate doing "manly" things, to negate some of the negative perceptions amongst your male peers too. And IMPO you should definitely squash (to the point of being unashamedly rude) any jokes about being "an honorary member of the mum's club" or similar. Although it maybe different as you and your peers are close to retirement anyway, and you have simply got there first.

[justthisbloke]

"For better or for worse, but never for lunch" is the old saying.

I think the issue is going to be maintaining motivation. A while back I took 6 months off. The first month was a frenzy of doing absolutely everything that I had been unable to do before. I probably worked harder that I did at work. Then i calmed down. By the of the 6 months, I was fairly horizontal - couldn't be ar5ed, needed to go back to work, and snapped back into it almost instantly.

Housework is dull and pointless and if the missus is working then you have to do it all.

Do some occasional contracting stints, even if in a different business.

I'm toying with the idea of contracting - I have marketable skills and experience. Right now, I'll enjoy the time off - and reconsider come the end of Summer. My pal works the dream - Autumn and Winter sees him doing consultancy jobs and he has Spring and Summer off. OTOH, I know a couple of blokes who work harder as consultants than they did as permies - they're so scared of being on the bench that they daredn't take time between contracts. I suspect the degree to which you can call the shots depends on how much you need a constant income to, say, meet mortgage payments.

I'm also curious as to how active I'll remain without the rigour of corporate life. It's great to have plans - but, the sofa and the internet are terrible sirens to the idle!

[justthisbloke]

I work from home while my wife works in London. I actually work full time and earn a little more than her so I'm not really a house husband, but because I'm at home I tend to do the laundry, most of the cooking and looking after the kids. There is certainly a subtle undertone of disdain among women for a man who takes on these traditionally female tasks in anything other than a token way. You may need to overcompensate doing "manly" things, to negate some of the negative perceptions amongst your male peers too. And IMPO you should definitely squash (to the point of being unashamedly rude) any jokes about being "an honorary member of the mum's club" or similar. Although it maybe different as you and your peers are close to retirement anyway, and you have simply got there first.

I'm 45 so probably in the target zone for male ribbing and female disdain - too young for the white flag of "retired".

I've also been trying to work on the "manly" things line. Fortunately we have (psychologically - it's an acre plus woods) "land" rather than "garden" so maybe I can cast myself Lady Chatterley's gamekeeper / outdoorsman rather than suburban rose-trimmer!

[Northerner]

See no problem at all, if you don't like housework employ a cleaner......but you will have to find something you like to do.....get out there and do something completely different, something you never before had the time to do.

... better get two then ...

[libspero]

Get yourself something useful to do. If you have the financial security not to work for money, you can become one of those people who does useful things in society that also give you pleasure and satisfaction. Find yourself a niche you're going to enjoy while also making yourself really useful.

That is of course for the time you're not indulging in those dream holidays ... your cycling and sailing. You probably don't want to spend November on the high seas, and it's too dark for long-distance cycling to be much fun.

FWIW I agree with this. You probably have another 40 years ahead of you, if you don't have anything to give your life purpose you risk going down the Charlie Sheen route.

6 months fun, 6 months work/structure. Most people would kill for that, plus it leaves an oar in the water in case you want to get back into proper work again.

On the more positive side the sailing sounds amazing.. Man after my own heart.

Hope you enjoy whatever you end up doing.

[SarahBell]

In that instance we'd move somewhere cheaper and both not work. Personally, I'd have rather done this first - as I've never wanted her to be in a position of "needing" to work. Being an unreconstituted stone age Man, I've always firmly held the burden of "providing" and it's not a weight I'd willingly place on my wife. It has been immensely stressful on occasion whereas Mrs JTB has always been able to operate without such constraints. It's worked for us as, I think, I handle workplace stresses better than she does - and she knows how the washing machine works.

So talk to her and see if she wants to do this now instead of you just giving up.

Or whether you both work for another 2 1/2 years and split the difference.

[crashmonitor]

I don`t talk to the wife if I can help it.....I envy you with your good relationship but silence is now my way. She`d like me to talk but I don`t need to.,,,It`s the senseless arguments I don`t want.

Haven`t worked for 2.5 years whereas the wife works 12.5 hours and is going quickly round the bend. Her long chats with friends will cure her of her angst...can`t see it happening myself though.

How do I feel ? Pretty damn good! For the first time in life I feel really free.

The washing machine? Turn a knob until it gets to six and then push a button .A man could do it.

I`ll be buying a new Suzuki in March (new model coming out....sv 650)

Going back to my roots.

You make a good point, women resent workless men. However, women that don't work get away with murder and men accept it. I hear from my wife about her male colleagues with stay at home wives. They sleep in bed all morning, don't do much housework and generally verbally abuse their partners. Spend all the money to boot on themselves.

As for my own relationship, she works longer hours than me and earns more than me. But I get up at five in the morning in support of her getting to work, do most of the housework, cover more than half the bills out of my pocket. We own the house jointly and wealthwise are almost identical.

i'm very grateful to have a thrifty, hard working wife, because very few women are.

My advice to the OP men accommodate this situation in their millions, but the few women that do don't in my experience. They moan and complain and are not altruistic.

[Niall of the Nine Hostages]

She sounds like a keeper - and if she also has huge cans - an 11 out of 10 !!

Cheers!

I am lucky. It struck me the other day, that out of all the women I've known in my life, my wife is the most stable and least mental. A bit of a Trekkie, she was a big admirer of Captain Janeway and Jean Luc Picard (I admired 7 of 9) and I could see her handling negotiations with hostile aliens with gravitas and composure.

Big norks are always a bonus. For me, they have a mesemerising effect, I have to remember not to keep looking at them. I was thinking last night while watching that big brother in the jungle program, that if I worked in an office with couple of the young ladies on that show, I'd have to practice staring at my shoes.

And I suppose there is a problem, with not working with other people any more; over time, one becomes more and more like a mad hermit, and other humans seem more and more peculiar.

]My wife makes jokes about me resembling data from Star Trek and how humans can be a source of bewilderment and struggle for me. Now I will admit there has always been an element of that. But I met my wife by chatting her up in a night club. I didn't think anything of it. I often used to go to nightclubs and chat birds up, it was an entertaining past time. I was fascinated when I stumbled across PUA websites like Heartiste, as I was doing a lot of the stuff they recommend back in the '80s, but I got to be not bad at it through trial and error. The point is, 30 years ago, I had a monstrous amount of front and gall and social skills. Nowadays, when I walk my dogs, I listen to audiobooks, at least partly so I don't have to talk to anyone. I suppose it wouldn't take much to get all that back, but the initial re-learning curve might be painful, stuck in an office with a load of millennials.

[Neptune]

Hmm.

One thing I'm fighting is my own thoughts that I'm neutering myself. A bloodless self-castration. Sad that I've subconsciously twinned masculinity with sitting in a beige office for 40 hours a week.

Manliness comes in many forms. The masculinity there was you were coming home with the kill to provide for the family. Also providing possible chat material for the wife. She can sit around the cave fire discussing with the other women yours and the other hunters status within the hunting party.

The wife and I get on very well. Ican cook clean and keep house far better than her. She has remmarked often I would make someone a great wife.

This was allowed because I was able to bring home a very large kill at the end of the month doing something considered very manly.

Notice the past tense. Am now unemployed due to market forces. Ny penchant for baking delightfully light victoria sponges will have to go on the backburner for a while, until I come up with some other gainful employment that ticks all the man boxes again.

Not so easy. I could frankly take to the sofa for the next six months and do proper **** all.

[justthisbloke]

Probably a good idea but may also indicate that you could be sensitive to any comments.

There's no question - I *am* sensitive to such comments! Hell, I'm sensitive to my own thoughts on the subject. As I said, I've been the (main) breadwinner all our lives and it's given me a defined role in what is these days an old fashioned household. And, yes, being old-fashioned, I associate "providing" with manliness.

Your post is a positive story - that helps me. I'm finding the path of FIRE to be a lonely one - and I haven't even left the office yet (says he sitting on his sofa on a Friday morning).

[justthisbloke]

So talk to her and see if she wants to do this now instead of you just giving up.

Or whether you both work for another 2 1/2 years and split the difference.

Mrs JTB has been encouraging me to quit for some time now. (Being a bloke) I don't talk or grumble about office woes at home - but she can tell I've been uncommitted and bored. And she's right - if I stayed for another 2 years, I'd either die of boredom or throttle someone.

I've talked with her about my angst about relying on her earnings to balance the books - her view is that if we downsized and she fully "retired", she'd want to fill the time with voluntary stuff anyway. So a requirement for her to work 2 days a week doing something she really enjoys in an unpressurised environment doesn't bother her.

[crashmonitor]

There's no question - I *am* sensitive to such comments! Hell, I'm sensitive to my own thoughts on the subject. As I said, I've been the (main) breadwinner all our lives and it's given me a defined role in what is these days an old fashioned household. And, yes, being old-fashioned, I associate "providing" with manliness.

Your post is a positive story - that helps me. I'm finding the path of FIRE to be a lonely one - and I haven't even left the office yet (says he sitting on his sofa on a Friday morning).

I think prejudice about roles in life is most acute in the retired. I often think older people, in particular, are very judgemental if you are seen to be out and about during the day.

A generation of housewives and a husband that might have got early retirement after forty years. If you took the combined aggregate of full time working for me and my wife it is now 72 years already. I guess that wouldn't cut any mustard if I suggested we were as entitled to retire as they.

[SarahBell]

Mrs JTB has been encouraging me to quit for some time now. (Being a bloke) I don't talk or grumble about office woes at home - but she can tell I've been uncommitted and bored. And she's right - if I stayed for another 2 years, I'd either die of boredom or throttle someone.

I've talked with her about my angst about relying on her earnings to balance the books - her view is that if we downsized and she fully "retired", she'd want to fill the time with voluntary stuff anyway. So a requirement for her to work 2 days a week doing something she really enjoys in an unpressurised environment doesn't bother her.

OK, you seem to have covered that.

[Bruce Banner]

Mrs JTB has been encouraging me to quit for some time now. (Being a bloke) I don't talk or grumble about office woes at home - but she can tell I've been uncommitted and bored. And she's right - if I stayed for another 2 years, I'd either die of boredom or throttle someone.

I've talked with her about my angst about relying on her earnings to balance the books - her view is that if we downsized and she fully "retired", she'd want to fill the time with voluntary stuff anyway. So a requirement for her to work 2 days a week doing something she really enjoys in an unpressurised environment doesn't bother her.

I retired in 2008 (mid 50s) having been semi retired since 2003. My wife stopped work when our first child was born so the only culture shock was both of us being at home all the time but no role reversal, which, to be honest, I may have found difficult to cope with.

Our lifestyle now revolves around lengthy holidays in warmer climes (we're currently in southern Spain) and this would not be possible if my wife worked, even part time.

[council dweller]

I must admit (crashmonter) that I`m married to a Japanese.....of course the idea of the husband not working is simply mindblowing. Strangely the idea of the wife not working is normal for them. My guess is that five times as many Japanese men will commit suicide due to unemployment as compared to the west.

Fortunately (and I mean that) I had a stroke 2.5 years ago which left me 99% physically but 50% mentally up the creak. I`m all ok now .

Maybe I`ll learn French....purely to confuse the wife.

[sPinwheel]

Choosing to retire/quit work is not the issue. When tou get fired or are simply unemployed with no choice, she will have not respect for you.

[crashmonitor]

Choosing to retire/quit work is not the issue. When tou get fired or are simply unemployed with no choice, she will have not respect for you.

Well it comes down to money doesn't it, the root of all evil. It goes with the territory that if you have chosen to retire you have got it. No money or income and women's respect is quickly lost, but not as I previously stated vice versa.

edit. a female friend said to me the other week after parting with a man with no money...''I want somebody to look after ME''

[winkie]

... better get two then ...

Funny.....the thing is anyone can be led into temptation, home, work or away.....that is where trustful relationships come into their own....no competition, completely equal partnership....being thanful for what you have....the grass is not greener.....different people bring different qualities into one close, contented relationship.

[MrPin]

Funny.....the thing is anyone can be led into temptation, home, work or away.....that is where trustful relationships come into their own....no competition, completely equal partnership....being thanful for what you have....the grass is not greener.....different people bring different qualities into one close, contented relationship.

You are sounding Holy!

[winkie]

You are sounding Holy!

No MrP I am certainly not Holy..... society looks as the different sexes as having different life responsibilities where in an equal society we all share the same responsibilities, one will cover for the other as a when needed......a man is not totally responsible for earning a living or building a garden wall.....Women can and do where possible what a man generally does, and men can and do what women generally do......the only thing a man can't do is carry a child for 9 months.......they are just as capable of looking after a child as well as a woman can once born......many women work until the final month of pregnancy with no ill effects.......women are sometimes pushed into the position of being the 'weaker sex' by men who would prefer them to be and act a weak and needy when infact women can be very strong, stronger than some men are.......we love men, we love each other......bring out the best in everyone, then everyone is a winner......two people working together are far stronger than one.

[justthisbloke]

FWIW I agree with this. You probably have another 40 years ahead of you, if you don't have anything to give your life purpose you risk going down the Charlie Sheen route.

I am a little bit worried about the risk of going barmy. I've always had a strong individualistic / contrarian streak (heh - I'm on HPC OT) and am slightly concerned that too much isolation will see me go completely barking.

I've put a few feelers out to see who's around during weekdays. Basically lots of retirees (of course). Not my usual set. While I'm worryingly happy with my own company, it'd be sensible to have team mates on my voyage into the unknown.

[MrPin]

I am a little bit worried about the risk of going barmy. I've always had a strong individualistic / contrarian streak (heh - I'm on HPC OT) and am slightly concerned that too much isolation will see me go completely barking.

I've put a few feelers out to see who's around during weekdays. Basically lots of retirees (of course). Not my usual set. While I'm worryingly happy with my own company, it'd be sensible to have team mates on my voyage into the unknown.

You need nothing more than beans and tinfoil!

[ccc]

I am a little bit worried about the risk of going barmy. I've always had a strong individualistic / contrarian streak (heh - I'm on HPC OT) and am slightly concerned that too much isolation will see me go completely barking.

I've put a few feelers out to see who's around during weekdays. Basically lots of retirees (of course). Not my usual set. While I'm worryingly happy with my own company, it'd be sensible to have team mates on my voyage into the unknown.

Maybe start making crystal meth and sell it to ISIS ? Their gear stuff now doesnt seem very good - and they have a hell of a lot of fighting to do. Lots of money to burn as well. You could make a mint.

Buy yourself a carwash to cover the scam - and get your burd to help along with the accountancy. You could even make a TV show out of it.

Breaking Assad.

[Economic Exile]

Well it comes down to money doesn't it, the root of all evil. It goes with the territory that if you have chosen to retire you have got it. No money or income and women's respect is quickly lost, but not as I previously stated vice versa.

edit. a female friend said to me the other week after parting with a man with no money...''I want somebody to look after ME''

BIB....I've just ended a 2 month dalliance with a man with little money. Not because of that as I don't have a lot of money myself. The problem was he was useless with his money whereas I'm good with mine. He wasn't keen to contribute to date expenses (inexpensive outings) and the final straw was when he asked me to purchase something for him which cost £9....then never paid me for it. However he had enough money to treat himself to a CD he wanted that day. He was 10 years younger than me and I think perhaps he is looking for a suga mama! I would just like someone who pays their share!