THE MONKEY Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 Finally the Monkey has come back to the cess-pit that is housepricecrash.co.uk. The Monkey says this. Two years ago, the Monkey realised that house prices were going up so fast that he would never be able to buy one. The Monkey had missed the boat and was jealous of all those homeowners in their nice big houses. The Monkey knew he had to do something to get himself on the housing ladder. The Monkey thought that if he could spread fear of a house price crash, then house prices might just slow down for a bit until people realised that there was actually more chance of finding Elvis on the moon than of there being a house price crash. During that time, the Monkey could save up a big enough deposit to buy into the guaranteed investment that is property. But how would the Monkey spread this fear? The answer came to him - using the internet and a bunch of no-good jabronis with nothing better to do than post on forums around the web, the Monkey could spread the fear. So the Monkey set up this website, housepricerash.co.uk. Not only did he post as the Monkey, but he also posted using various other names to give the impression that people actually visited this site. He posted under the names Bottom Feeder, Wrongmove, BBB, Time to Raise the Rents, Property Guru, Dr. Bubb, Bubble Pricker, Charlie the Tramp, Consa and many more, including "Webmaster". Didn't any of you jabronis ever wonder why the Webmaster never appeared on any radio or television shows? Now, more than 2 years after the Monkey launched this website, his deposit has grown bigger than his strudel. The Monkey has more money than any of you jabronis will ever see! And how has the Monkey invested it? By buying a house in one of the top 10 places to live in the country as stated by the gorgeous sex-bomb Kirsty Allsopp and the esteemed property expert Phil Spencer. Just look at this gorgeous woman and tell me if there is a finer site on God's Green Earth? Why would you choose to ignore her wisom? While you lot have been sitting on your candy asses waiting for a house price crash and having pointless debates about immigration and the great country that is the United States of America, the Monkey has been actually going out to work and building up his deposit! You could have done the same as the Great One if you weren't so lazy! If you had bought this modern-day bible, you too could have changed your life and been a homeowner like the Most Electrifying Ape owning a house today: Now before the Monkey leaves his computer in the study of the East Wing of Monkey Towers, he has this message for all the millions and millions of loser-jabronis who obsessively sent the Monkey fan mail and underwear on a daily basis. Monkey Towers is protected by a 20 foot high electrified fence, the highest quality security system that money can buy, blood-thirsty guard dogs and ex-SAS men who will shoot on sight any jabronis trying to get near the Monkey's house, asking for autographs or just to get a glimpse of the Great One. However, if you are a Kirsty Allsopp look-alike, you can just waltz on in and feast on the strudel, baby. So long, losers. Thanks for making the Monkey's property-owning dream a reality. This website will now self-destruct. Now do you smell the evil plot that the Monkey has been cooking up all this time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Once in a lifetime Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 So it all figures now! It was YOU that caused Halifax House Price Index 1.6% rise in August. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THE MONKEY Posted September 10, 2005 Author Share Posted September 10, 2005 So it all figures now! It was YOU that caused Halifax House Price Index 1.6% rise in August.<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Of course, baby! And its only going to go up more next month. Once people hear that the Great One has bought property, everyone will want in! If you were a property-owner like the Monkey, then you would become much more attractive to the opposite sex. Ever since the Monkey exchanged contracts, he has been playing hide the strudel with this piece of heaven: The Monkey knows what you are all thinking after looking at the first picture. And yes, the Monkey has. And no, you never will jabronis! It's just like Kirsty says in her book - "men with property get more pie". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RRP Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 Looks like the beast has been chomping on his own strudel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THE MONKEY Posted September 10, 2005 Author Share Posted September 10, 2005 Tragically, she is fine.<{POST_SNAPBACK}> She's even better in the flesh. Maybe if you had the looks of the Great One and actually owned a bedroom in a house, then you might get to see Kirsty's portoflio too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THE MONKEY Posted September 10, 2005 Author Share Posted September 10, 2005 Looks like the beast has been chomping on his own strudel.<{POST_SNAPBACK}> The only thing the Monkey has been chomping on is Kirsty's pie - in all of the 20 rooms in the Monkey's new house! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RRP Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 The only thing the Monkey has been chomping on is Kirsty's pie - in all of the 20 rooms in the Monkey's new house! Filthy ape. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smell the Fear Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 She's even better in the flesh. Maybe if you had the looks of the Great One and actually owned a bedroom in a house, then you might get to see Kirsty's portoflio too.<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Monkey - you ask if we like the house you are living in, but where can we see it? Unless you are living in Kirsty's Strudel box..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THE MONKEY Posted September 10, 2005 Author Share Posted September 10, 2005 Monkey - you ask if we like the house you are living in, but where can we see it?Unless you are living in Kirsty's Strudel box..... <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Although you are correct, that the Monkey is, indeed, spending an extraordinairy amount of time in Kirsty's strudel box, here is a picture of the little place the Monkey has bought. What an investment! Youy know its true when the Monkey tells you - the slump is over and prices are set to rocket now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dapperdave Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 Tragically, she is fine.<{POST_SNAPBACK}> This is my idea of fine Ok so you probably didn't mean it that way but what the hell, kirsty aint too bad for a big girl! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THE MONKEY Posted September 10, 2005 Author Share Posted September 10, 2005 This is my idea of fine Ok so you probably didn't mean it that way but what the hell, kirsty aint too bad for a big girl!<{POST_SNAPBACK}> The Monkey has engaged in strudel-slapping action with her too. Maybe if you spent less time surfing the web one-handed and more time earning money, you would be entertaining women like this in your house too. Women like that don't do renters, baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sign_of_the_times Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 Although you are correct, that the Monkey is, indeed, spending an extraordinairy amount of time in Kirsty's strudel box, here is a picture of the little place the Monkey has bought. What an investment! Youy know its true when the Monkey tells you - the slump is over and prices are set to rocket now! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> bit close to the neighbours for my liking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THE MONKEY Posted September 10, 2005 Author Share Posted September 10, 2005 bit close to the neighbours for my liking <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Don't worry, the Monkey bought up all houses in a 10 mile radius so he wouldn't have to be offended by the disgusting sight of poor people in semi-detached houses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dapperdave Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 what a sly stud. they dont call it property porn for nothing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smell the Fear Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 This is my idea of fine Ok so you probably didn't mean it that way but what the hell, kirsty aint too bad for a big girl!<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Is that Mariah Carey? If so, did you pick her because she looks a bit like.........A MONKEY! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dapperdave Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 yea i think shes pretty fit but i suppose i could of found better if i could be arsed. THE MONKEY has his choice of any woman now he's a home-owner anyway. what a man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Charlie The Tramp Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 Do you like the brand new house that the Monkey is living in ? What that shoebox, not really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the end is a bit nigher Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 ROFLMAO Great thread! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bullish Bear Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 You cheeky monkey! Now be gone to the Singing Pig. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spline Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 Nah, that house is owned by a group of rocket scientists Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The dude Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 Well done Monkey man...now fac off you knob... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smell the Fear Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 Well done Monkey man...now fac off you knob...<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Monkey is the new dr Bubb. He reflects the fact that the crash is now inevitable, and the mood is less earnest and more celebratory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoubleBubbleTrouble Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 I think The Monkey may have had a bit too much vodka with that strudel tonight I bet Property Guru claims to own 20 places bigger than Mr Monkeys new shoebox! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pod Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 I think The Monkey may have had a bit too much vodka with that strudel tonight <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I fear he was on the old monkey dust...! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smell the Fear Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 I fear he was on the old monkey dust...! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Angel dust judging by his photo..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.