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THE MONKEY

Finally.......

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Finally the Monkey has come back to the cess-pit that is housepricecrash.co.uk.

The Monkey says this.

Two years ago, the Monkey realised that house prices were going up so fast that he would never be able to buy one. The Monkey had missed the boat and was jealous of all those homeowners in their nice big houses.

The Monkey knew he had to do something to get himself on the housing ladder.

The Monkey thought that if he could spread fear of a house price crash, then house prices might just slow down for a bit until people realised that there was actually more chance of finding Elvis on the moon than of there being a house price crash. During that time, the Monkey could save up a big enough deposit to buy into the guaranteed investment that is property.

But how would the Monkey spread this fear? The answer came to him - using the internet and a bunch of no-good jabronis with nothing better to do than post on forums around the web, the Monkey could spread the fear.

So the Monkey set up this website, housepricerash.co.uk. Not only did he post as the Monkey, but he also posted using various other names to give the impression that people actually visited this site. He posted under the names Bottom Feeder, Wrongmove, BBB, Time to Raise the Rents, Property Guru, Dr. Bubb, Bubble Pricker, Charlie the Tramp, Consa and many more, including "Webmaster". Didn't any of you jabronis ever wonder why the Webmaster never appeared on any radio or television shows?

Now, more than 2 years after the Monkey launched this website, his deposit has grown bigger than his strudel. The Monkey has more money than any of you jabronis will ever see!

And how has the Monkey invested it? By buying a house in one of the top 10 places to live in the country as stated by the gorgeous sex-bomb Kirsty Allsopp and the esteemed property expert Phil Spencer.

Just look at this gorgeous woman and tell me if there is a finer site on God's Green Earth? Why would you choose to ignore her wisom?

kirstie.jpg

While you lot have been sitting on your candy asses waiting for a house price crash and having pointless debates about immigration and the great country that is the United States of America, the Monkey has been actually going out to work and building up his deposit! You could have done the same as the Great One if you weren't so lazy!

If you had bought this modern-day bible, you too could have changed your life and been a homeowner like the Most Electrifying Ape owning a house today:

0718147340L.jpg

Now before the Monkey leaves his computer in the study of the East Wing of Monkey Towers, he has this message for all the millions and millions of loser-jabronis who obsessively sent the Monkey fan mail and underwear on a daily basis.

Monkey Towers is protected by a 20 foot high electrified fence, the highest quality security system that money can buy, blood-thirsty guard dogs and ex-SAS men who will shoot on sight any jabronis trying to get near the Monkey's house, asking for autographs or just to get a glimpse of the Great One.

However, if you are a Kirsty Allsopp look-alike, you can just waltz on in and feast on the strudel, baby.

So long, losers. Thanks for making the Monkey's property-owning dream a reality.

This website will now self-destruct.

Now do you smell the evil plot that the Monkey has been cooking up all this time?

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So it all figures now! It was YOU that caused Halifax House Price Index 1.6% rise in August.

Of course, baby! And its only going to go up more next month. Once people hear that the Great One has bought property, everyone will want in!

If you were a property-owner like the Monkey, then you would become much more attractive to the opposite sex. Ever since the Monkey exchanged contracts, he has been playing hide the strudel with this piece of heaven:

bushes.jpg

kirstie%20and%20phil%202.jpg

The Monkey knows what you are all thinking after looking at the first picture. And yes, the Monkey has. And no, you never will jabronis! It's just like Kirsty says in her book - "men with property get more pie".

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The only thing the Monkey has been chomping on is Kirsty's pie - in all of the 20 rooms in the Monkey's new house!

Filthy ape.

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She's even better in the flesh. Maybe if you had the looks of the Great One and actually owned a bedroom in a house, then you might get to see Kirsty's portoflio too.

Monkey - you ask if we like the house you are living in, but where can we see it?

Unless you are living in Kirsty's Strudel box.....

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Monkey - you ask if we like the house you are living in, but where can we see it?

Unless you are living in Kirsty's Strudel box.....

Although you are correct, that the Monkey is, indeed, spending an extraordinairy amount of time in Kirsty's strudel box, here is a picture of the little place the Monkey has bought.

mssl.jpg

What an investment! Youy know its true when the Monkey tells you - the slump is over and prices are set to rocket now!

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This is my idea of fine 20050312_carey4.jpg B)  :D  Ok so you probably didn't mean it that way but what the hell, kirsty aint too bad for a big girl!

The Monkey has engaged in strudel-slapping action with her too. Maybe if you spent less time surfing the web one-handed and more time earning money, you would be entertaining women like this in your house too. Women like that don't do renters, baby.

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Although you are correct, that the Monkey is, indeed, spending an extraordinairy amount of time in Kirsty's strudel box, here is a picture of the little place the Monkey has bought.

mssl.jpg

What an investment! Youy know its true when the Monkey tells you - the slump is over and prices are set to rocket now!

bit close to the neighbours for my liking :P

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yea i think shes pretty fit but i suppose i could of found better if i could be arsed. THE MONKEY has his choice of any woman now he's a home-owner anyway. what a man

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Guest Charlie The Tramp
Do you like the brand new house that the Monkey is living in ?

mssl.jpg

What that shoebox, not really. :P

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I think The Monkey may have had a bit too much vodka with that strudel tonight :)

I bet Property Guru claims to own 20 places bigger than Mr Monkeys new shoebox!

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  • 301 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?


      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%



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