What Is Wrong With My Friend's Wife?

[Si1]

Can't argue with that. I know all this - its just easier when its someone else doing it to say finish it you will be glad in the end.

The truth hurts i suppose.

I've made the same mistakes myself I'm afraid

Maybe you're seeking something from a relationship that you should get somewhere else, or closure of another bad experience by reproducing it in a romantic relationship. Otherwise why seek out drama like that?

[SarahBell]

Ccc if you keep going back for more then half the problem is you, there are nice women out there so why do you return to a difficult one?

I know someone who yoyos. It's horrid to watch. Why would anyone tolerate it?

[ccc]

So you've split up and got back together at least 20 times!? In that case, why worry? If you really want the relationship to continue, just wait till she gets back in contact. And quit sending the "home truths" texts; they'll just make you sound petty and vindictive.

At least ten times. And no i don't really want it to continue. But i want it back like it was. Which I know won't happen - as this is clearly the real her that i am seeing recently. She kept it under cover for the first 6 months anyway.

Yes good call about the texts. I don't want to lower myself to that level. That would just make me as bad as her.

To be fair i did say to her about seeing a doctor when i was going out with her. Her head got messed up even more than usual and she was having pretty mental thoughts. Even for her. She didn't disagree - but never got around to it.

Cheers.

[Nuggets Mahoney]

I think female abuse male partners is increasingly being recognised now

However, media persuasion for men to prefer superficial traits in women over more basic good character hardly helps either

Quite

Fortunately for me, thanks to an Italian peasant grandmother fixation, I've always prized the ability to manage livestock and endure cold winters over mere transient physical beauty.

[Gigantic Purple Slug]

Comments opinions please if anyone is interested.

Chatting again to her last week. All going good - decided we would try it again and talk about stuff. All loveydovey. Couldn't have been nicer.

So i was out - totally reeking. Decided to go see her. Forgot she wasn't actually in. So pressed her buzzer lots and then must have pressed her neighbours one by accident a few times. She has had lots of hassle with this one due to noise issues flooding etc

Nothing to do with me. So anyway she gets an abusive message from him about me pressing his buzzer in middle of night. He could have just come downstairs and told me himself - ****** knows why he didn't - i would of !!

Anyway i eventual realise she wasn't in so head home. She texts to say what had happened. First thing i say is sorry if i caused her hassle. Not good enough apparently. So from a few hour before all happy and kisses - to never want to see you again won't text you aback don't like you never mind love you anyone. Pretty mental imo. Which i pointed out to her. To which she replied that it was my behaviour that was mental !!

I pointed out i was just a drunk person doing what drunk people do !! Believe me she wrote the book on being drunk and doing typical drunken things. Anyway she stopped Texting back after a while so i sent her a few more telling a few home truths. Nothing nasty - just the truth. That for the sake of herself she needs to seek help for her obvious issues.

Thoughts ? Was what i did really worthy of her reaction ? I don't think so. Totally unreasonable imo.

Oh and for the record she hates this particular neighbour !! So i accidentally annoy a neighbour she hates when drunk - and immediately say sorry. Result - never want to see you again.

I find that totally mental - am i correct ?

Thanks in advance.

Being drunk can't be used as a catch all excuse for any bad behaviour. If she accepts your excuse then this just encourages you that every time you go off on one all you have to do is say that you were drunk and that makes it acceptable. It doesn't.

Maybe the neighbour was having his own shaggathon. Maybe he didn't want to come down and confront a mad pissed up drunken person on his doorstep at 3:30 in the morning. In any case why he didn't decide to come down is his choice.

If I was you and was interested in making up I would do the following. First apologise to her and let her know that your behaviour was unnacceptable, even if you were drunk that is no excuse. Tell her you would like to apologise to her neighbour. Hard to know what to do here, I would normally take round some beers but under the circumstances some people might consider this inappropriate.

Then I would offer to take her to dinner, no strings attached to apologise for your behaviour.

The cunning thing about all this is that although it sets limits on what behaviour from you is acceptable, it also subtlly spells out to her what is acceptable - ie she isn't allowed to get pissed and behave inappropriately without consequences either. Which is probably important fro both of you if the relationship is to go forwards.

On the other hand if she isn't worth it forget about it and go and get hammered instead. The meal for two will probably buy 10 pints and a decent jumbo kebab.

Edit : And always remember people have nowhere to move to when you take the moral high ground.

[snowflux]

At least ten times. And no i don't really want it to continue. But i want it back like it was. Which I know won't happen - as this is clearly the real her that i am seeing recently. She kept it under cover for the first 6 months anyway.

Yes good call about the texts. I don't want to lower myself to that level. That would just make me as bad as her.

To be fair i did say to her about seeing a doctor when i was going out with her. Her head got messed up even more than usual and she was having pretty mental thoughts. Even for her. She didn't disagree - but never got around to it.

Cheers.

Six months is pretty good going for keeping up an act. In my experience, 3 months or thereabouts seems to be the critical time, at which point it starts to become clear what the other person is really like and whether you actually enjoy each other's company rather than simply lusting for one another.

[ccc]

I've made the same mistakes myself I'm afraid

Maybe you're seeking something from a relationship that you should get somewhere else, or closure of another bad experience by reproducing it in a romantic relationship. Otherwise why seek out drama like that?

Most people i know have done similar. Seems to be a rather strange very common human trait.****** knows why ?

I have never really seeked a relationship. Only had a few and they have come for me .

Yes no idea why I continue with the drama. I am usually the first to tell others when they do similar to get a grip. Its different when its yourself though. Logic seems to be pushed to the side.

I just had lots of fun with her. Never got on so well with a burd before. More like pals really - which i suppose is what makes it pretty sad

Always going to be a downside - and the slightly unhinged mental behaviour which i really liked about her - obviously has a flip side. Which i should have known from the start. Oh well - hindsight is a wonderful thing.

[Hail the Tripod]

Problem is you don't think that clearly when drunk

Too true. I have always thought it would be useful to have a breathalyser and timelock option on phones, so you can set certain numbers to require an alcohol level check before allowing you to phone/message them.

[swissy_fit]

Quite

Fortunately for me, thanks to an Italian peasant grandmother fixation, I've always prized the ability to manage livestock and endure cold winters over mere transient physical beauty.

An excellent plan, can you teach me how to think like this? (preferably go back in time and teach my former self in fact).

[ccc]

Six months is pretty good going for keeping up an act. In my experience, 3 months or thereabouts seems to be the critical time, at which point it starts to become clear what the other person is really like and whether you actually enjoy each other's company rather than simply lusting for one another.

To be fair it was only after about 2 months that she first mentioned us moving in together - which did seem pretty mental at the time. She has a kid too - so even bringing that up so soon should have rung alarm bells. I did notice - i just think i decided not to think about it as everything else was going so well.

[snowflux]

To be fair it was only after about 2 months that she first mentioned us moving in together - which did seem pretty mental at the time. She has a kid too - so even bringing that up so soon should have rung alarm bells. I did notice - i just think i decided not to think about it as everything else was going so well.

Ah, just enjoy your good fortune in being single over Christmas. At least you don't have to worry about Christmas presents, and you can enjoy a few guilt-free Christmas kisses. Who knows what else might come your way?

[ccc]

Being drunk can't be used as a catch all excuse for any bad behaviour. If she accepts your excuse then this just encourages you that every time you go off on one all you have to do is say that you were drunk and that makes it acceptable. It doesn't.

Maybe the neighbour was having his own shaggathon. Maybe he didn't want to come down and confront a mad pissed up drunken person on his doorstep at 3:30 in the morning. In any case why he didn't decide to come down is his choice.

If I was you and was interested in making up I would do the following. First apologise to her and let her know that your behaviour was unnacceptable, even if you were drunk that is no excuse. Tell her you would like to apologise to her neighbour. Hard to know what to do here, I would normally take round some beers but under the circumstances some people might consider this inappropriate.

Then I would offer to take her to dinner, no strings attached to apologise for your behaviour.

The cunning thing about all this is that although it sets limits on what behaviour from you is acceptable, it also subtlly spells out to her what is acceptable - ie she isn't allowed to get pissed and behave inappropriately without consequences either. Which is probably important fro both of you if the relationship is to go forwards.

On the other hand if she isn't worth it forget about it and go and get hammered instead. The meal for two will probably buy 10 pints and a decent jumbo kebab.

Edit : And always remember people have nowhere to move to when you take the moral high ground.

Thanks for that. The very first thing i did was apologise. The reply ? "****** you"

I also mentioned the neighbour and said i would apologise to him and have an adult grown up sober talk with him if he wanted.

To that i just got more abuse and told my behaviour was unacceptable and she would never talk to me again.

Not exactly sure what i could do at that point. Lets be clear - she is not exactly a wallflower. She goes on three day benders and gets up to all sort of nonsense. That's why i find the stuff she was saying to me was pretty unfair.

I don't think its reasonable to give someone a talking to and abuse for The sort of behaviour you get up to yourself every weekend !!

Taking the piss really.

Yes i will turn to beer - that never lets me down.

[Guest TheBlueCat]

All i am about to say is just my opinion - it may be completely wrong. But anyway - here goes.

She acts like a child. She is mentally young. Going in a huff is the easiest way to get what she wants. She doesn't listen to reason. She makes stuff up. She goes back through things that have been said and done before - and changes them to suit what she wants to have happened - doesn't really care about facts. She likes the rough stuff in bed. But is the complete opposite outside the bedroom.

She won't change - she won't get better. This is who she is - she keeps it hidden very well from everyone else. She will paint you in a bad light and make you out to be the bad guy.

She is probably cheating on you - or has before.

As i said - the above may be completely wrong. However i imagine its pretty close.

Good luck. Someone with a brain like that cannot be 'fixed' . Imo anyway. I am not a psychologist though so all this is just my opinion.

Tough love, but quite likely correct.

[swissy_fit]

Most people i know have done similar. Seems to be a rather strange very common human trait.****** knows why ?

I have never really seeked a relationship. Only had a few and they have come for me .

Yes no idea why I continue with the drama. I am usually the first to tell others when they do similar to get a grip. Its different when its yourself though. Logic seems to be pushed to the side.

I just had lots of fun with her. Never got on so well with a burd before. More like pals really - which i suppose is what makes it pretty sad

Always going to be a downside - and the slightly unhinged mental behaviour which i really liked about her - obviously has a flip side. Which i should have known from the start. Oh well - hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I can hear my friend's voice of a few years back....

"Stay away from the poisoned apple, you idiot".

It's good advice.

Here's mine :-

Don't talk.

Don't text.

Block her number.

Block her email.

Block her on all social media.

Don't open any snailmail from her.

Avoid all social situations where she might "accidentally" run into you.

Get a job. (Time on your hands doesn't help)

Go on holiday and meet some lovely foreign girls.

After 6 months to a year, it'll be like it never happened.

Any contact before then, go back to the beginning.

[ccc]

Ah, just enjoy your good fortune in being single over Christmas. At least you don't have to worry about Christmas presents, and you can enjoy a few guilt-free Christmas kisses. Who knows what else might come your way?

Thanks - how much am i gonna get invoiced for this therapy session

Anyway sounds like you got lucky with your lady of choice. You must miss her but at least you have good nice memories. That's priceless.

[ccc]

I can hear my friend's voice of a few years back....

"Stay away from the poisoned apple, you idiot".

It's good advice.

Here's mine :-

Don't talk.

Don't text.

Block her number.

Block her email.

Block her on all social media.

Don't open any snailmail from her.

Avoid all social situations where she might "accidentally" run into you.

Get a job. (Time on your hands doesn't help)

Go on holiday and meet some lovely foreign girls.

After 6 months to a year, it'll be like it never happened.

Any contact before then, go back to the beginning.

Agreed. And that's a quality quote. I may use it.

[Si1]

Quite

Fortunately for me, thanks to an Italian peasant grandmother fixation, I've always prized the ability to manage livestock and endure cold winters over mere transient physical beauty.

I live in Yorkshire

What's wrong with that? :-)

[Si1]

Agreed. And that's a quality quote. I may use it.

And if that doesn't work, and if it is still effecting you, get counseling, as it's as much your head problem as hers in that case

[Guest TheBlueCat]

My greatest fear is that divorce is on the cards and I will lose my children. My wife is French and she could take them to France with her and I would barely see them again. This has happened to an acquaintance so I know that it is possible. Fathers have very little say in the lives of their children when it comes to divorce. The courts almost always side with the woman.

I feel trapped.

That's the absolute worst thing. If you can get evidence of the self harm and threats to self harm that will help your case enormously though. Has anyone else ever witnessed it? Any contemporaneous account you can get written up, especially by someone with no obvious bias to either partner will help. If you can get that in some form, my advice would then be to take it to a lawyer and get an opinion as to how that would play out in custody proceedings. If you do decide to take the leap, the first thing you should do is go to court to get an injunction to prevent her taking the kids out the country. If you can get that, then there's a reasonable, but not 100% chance, that she'd be stopped at the border if she tried to go.

[Gigantic Purple Slug]

Thanks for that. The very first thing i did was apologise. The reply ? "****** you"

I also mentioned the neighbour and said i would apologise to him and have an adult grown up sober talk with him if he wanted.

To that i just got more abuse and told my behaviour was unacceptable and she would never talk to me again.

Not exactly sure what i could do at that point. Lets be clear - she is not exactly a wallflower. She goes on three day benders and gets up to all sort of nonsense. That's why i find the stuff she was saying to me was pretty unfair.

I don't think its reasonable to give someone a talking to and abuse for The sort of behaviour you get up to yourself every weekend !!

Taking the piss really.

Yes i will turn to beer - that never lets me down.

it does sound like she is being a bit unfair.

On the other hand you have to ask yourself whether you want the relationship to go forwards. Clearly it can't if you are both doing things to piss each other off all the time. Maybe best to talk to her and tell her that this has to stop from both sides. At least it shows her that you are serious and thinking about her and the relationship you have with her. In general these thoughts are not taken negatively or lightly by the opposite sex.

The irony being of course that you may find when you stop going out getting pissed and doing stupid things together you may find each other a lot less interesting and split up anyway. Is it the alcohol that binds you together, or something more ?

[ccc]

And if that doesn't work, and if it is still effecting you, get counseling, as it's as much your head problem as hers in that case

Cheers - think i will be fine.

[Si1]

That's the absolute worst thing. If you can get evidence of the self harm and threats to self harm that will help your case enormously though. Has anyone else ever witnessed it? Any contemporaneous account you can get written up, especially by someone with no obvious bias to either partner will help. If you can get that in some form, my advice would then be to take it to a lawyer and get an opinion as to how that would play out in custody proceedings. If you do decide to take the leap, the first thing you should do is go to court to get an injunction to prevent her taking the kids out the country. If you can get that, then there's a reasonable, but not 100% chance, that she'd be stopped at the border if she tried to go.

This

Gardener, I wish you all the very best of luck in this situation. You need to protect your children from physical abuse, this is terrible.

[ccc]

it does sound like she is being a bit unfair.

On the other hand you have to ask yourself whether you want the relationship to go forwards. Clearly it can't if you are both doing things to piss each other off all the time. Maybe best to talk to her and tell her that this has to stop from both sides. At least it shows her that you are serious and thinking about her and the relationship you have with her. In general these thoughts are not taken negatively or lightly by the opposite sex.

The irony being of course that you may find when you stop going out getting pissed and doing stupid things together you may find each other a lot less interesting and split up anyway. Is it the alcohol that binds you together, or something more ?

The bevvy is definitely part of it. Definitely. And yes we both did stuff that would annoy the other. Certainly not a one way street - but not far off it. When someone throws a pan across the kitchen because you put too much lime in a dipping sauce - that's probably a decent warning sign

Deleted all contact numbers anyway so hopefully that is that. She said she would do the same so fingers crossed.

[ccc]

Sorry for derailing your thread gardener. Best of luck.

We should get these two to meet up - probably get on like a house on fire

[Si1]

Sorry for derailing your thread gardener. Best of luck.

We should get these two to meet up - probably get on like a house on fire

Literally?