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Brewing Your Own Hobo-wine On Todays Subprime Mortgage Budget

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Brewing your own hobo-wine on todays subprime mortgage budget

By lawngnomehitman in Science

Thu Jun 05, 2008 at 02:46:39 PM EST

Tags: homo, hobo, wine, yeast, booze, drunk, drunkard, nazis, drinkin' it up (all tags)

Recently GhostOfTiber posted a story about brewing your own beer.

I say, if you're going for the real hobo/homeowner experience, just brew wine, it's easier, and I'm ******ing lazy. Also, wine takes about 2 weeks to ferment, none of this worrying about carbonation or anything, let's just get lit!

If you actually care about the way things taste, you might want to make some GhostOfTiber Ale and drink that until you no longer taste things, but that's entirely your prerogative...

Wine is made of 3 basic ingredients (1 fewer than beer):

1. Water

2. Sugar

3. and Yeast

So this makes it cheaper than beer, also, we can just use normal sugar, ****** that malt sugar stuff, we're trying to get DRUNK. So here's the hobo plan to getting all fired up on prison wine on the cheap. Simply follow these steps and you'll end up drunk and naked in someone else's living room before you know it! (not that I speak from experience, it was just a dream, that's my story, ****** you all...). LETS BEGIN:

Getting started: gather the following:

* 5 gallon water jug (if you're a techie, just steal this from work, no-one will notice the missing jug, especially not the guy who comes in and replaces the empties with fulls). PROTIP: these are easier to steal when they're empty (end of the day) or you're drunk (every day). PROTIP 2: Try not to steal more than 1 between refills, if the guy comes in to replace the empties with fulls and finds 0 empties, someone might get suspicious...

* 10 cans of something sugary from your grocer's frozen aisle (but let it come to room temperature before using it), usually this is going to be grape juice, if you want to keep this hobo-hooch a little close to wine, otherwise, just pick something with sugar in it that is expected to be drunk after having been mixed with water. IDEA: Perhaps the stuff that suggests you mix it with vodka will work well in this situation, as we'll be making our own alcohol, but I don't know, never tried that, too rich for my hobo blood.

* MOAR SUGAR: nah, just 2-3 5lb bags of sugar. Use 2 if you want dry wine, 3 if you want sweet (remember, we're making 5 gallons here)

* WATER - should be free, you're not really a hobo, you're just drinking like one...

* BLEACH - DON'T DRINK IT

* FUNNEL - clean it first, who knows what is growing in there...

* RUBBER BAND - although, if, by some miracle or mistake of nature you have a girlfriend, you've got a rubberband, christ, you've probably got half a ******ing million of them, she calls them "hair ties", remove one of the ones you've got wrapped around your ballsack for this project, you can put it back later.

* Balloon, a condom could do in a pinch, I suppose, but if you use a condom, make sure it's one of the ones without spermicide on it... you don't want that in your high-class hooch!

* Active Dry Yeast - not going to offer the best flavor, but it's cheap as ******, and you're a hobo, so this is an EPIC WIN

LET'S MAKE HOOCH!!

1. Sterilize EVERYTHING! - assume it all has herpes! - your last girlfriend did - mix 6 tbsp bleach with 5 gallons water in that water jug you stole from work. Swirl it around, make sure it touches all of the surfaces on the inside of the bottle, then pour it through the funnel, and on the outside of the funnel, as well as on the outsides of the outside of the cans of sugary-drink (grape concentrate) and the lid for the water jug. Then pour it down the drain, See that shiny shit?!?- that's what it looks like when you clean your trailer!

2. Boil some water, and let it cool off to the point that you're ok putting your hand in it, BUT DON'T PUT YOUR HERPES RIDDEN APPENDAGE IN THAT WATER!!

3. Rinse everything that was touched with the bleach water, to get rid of the bleach residue.

4. Now that you've got all of the little herpes out of there, we can get started making the hooch! Boil water, cool it, and then dump it into the jug until you get the jug about 75% full with water, then stop filling it.

5. Add the 10 cans of sugary-water-shit at room temperature.

6. Add all of the sugar.

7. Cap the water jug, and shake the shit out of it, until everything is all homogeneous, THIS DOES NOT INVOLVE FAGGOTRY, it just means "the same", shake the shit out of it until it's all the same in there.

8. Start your yeast - follow the instructions on the package, usually this involves mixing the yeast into sugar water at about 110 deg F, give it about 10 minutes, when it's pretty frothy, proceed.

9. Take the cap off of the water jug, and dump the started yeast in there.

10. Cap that shit, and shake it again, moar air in the water = better environment for the yeast to make your booze = better drunkenness!

11. Take the cap off and put the balloon/condom over the mouth of the jug, and then put the whole situation in a closet. (NOTE: If you're feeling particularly lazy, you can put a tiny pin-hole in the balloon to allow it to gas-out on its own, this should not affect the quality of your hobo-wine)

12. Go do your standard thing for the next 2 weeks.

13. Check the balloon once daily to be sure it's not going to burst, if it bursts all that hard work gets you VINEGAR, which you can't get drunk from, so that's a fail! MAKE SURE THAT ******ING BALLOON DOES NOT BREAK!!!!!! If it looks like it's about to burst, you need to burp it so that the pressure is relieved, but don't let any air get in there.

14. Go on with your normal life: work, drink, masturbate, sleep, GOTO 0...

15. After 2 weeks, take the balloon off of the jug and get your biggest straw, it's ready to drink!!!!1

16. If you remember, cap it before you pass out for the night, otherwise you end up with rank wine by the end of the week, and your life still sucks regardless...

17. ENJOY DRINKING LIKE A HOBO/PRISONER

or Brewing Beer

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We should start selling this stuff!

I'll start scrawling some labels on the back of discarded bus tickets with some of those cracked pencils I swiped from Big Ma's schoolhouse.

'Ol Jimmy Wet Hand's Quality Bathtub Gin - paper bags in the theatre's trashcan.

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We should start selling this stuff!

You may jest but, if you brew your own Cider or Perry you are allowed to sell up to a certain amount (several hundred pints, I think) without having to pay duty on it.

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You may jest but, if you brew your own Cider or Perry you are allowed to sell up to a certain amount (several hundred pints, I think) without having to pay duty on it.

70 hectolitres per year. Which is, erm, carry the pear, 12000 ish pints.

http://customs.hmrc.gov.uk/channelsPortalW...000207#P69_5384

Edit: That's how much you can make before you need to register for a licence to sell it. I think taxing it must be different.

Edited by Hara

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I can thoroughly recommend this book for anyone who wants to take wine making a step further...

First Steps in Wine Making

:)

:lol:

:D

:P

:wacko:

I posted this as a bit of fun. I am actually quite interested now. The only thing is I suspect the raw ingredients would be quite dear unless you pick your own. hmmmm thats quite fun actually.

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I was thinking of brewing my own cider in the basement. You can get most of the stuff you need in Wilkinson's strangely enough. My friend's brother did it and the cider was actually quite nice and got us absolutely hammered.

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I've got 5 gallon of blackcurrant and gooseberry wine (70/30) in the fermentation bucket in my kitchen right now. Was going to be gooseberry only but I pruned my allotment gooseberry bushes last autumn, so only a few kilos of fruit this year. never mind, my wine normally smells like sick at the start of the fermentation process, but this one is different, it has the whole kitchen smelling like baking fruitcake... lovely... I think this is going to be a good one and a lovely rose colour as well. cost was 5 kg sugar at 75p a bag plus pence for the yeast and other minor chemicals. :)

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I posted this as a bit of fun. I am actually quite interested now. The only thing is I suspect the raw ingredients would be quite dear unless you pick your own. hmmmm thats quite fun actually.

A kit to make 5 gallons of reasonable wine (30 bottles) will work out at about £1.10 a bottle - I've seen ones that work out about 80p a bottle but have never tried them. You can brew beer from a kit for pennies a pint.

I've got a gallon of mead that's almost ready to bottle - easy to make; Honey, water yeast - mix and ferment. Shold come out somewhere around 14%+

http://www.wyrdwords.vispa.com/heathenry/mead/index.html

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I've been making 'hobo-wine' for a while now and to be honest I don't think I'd go back to 'real' wine anytime soon, because it just tastes better and has none of the chemicals or crap that gives you a hangover. I make mine from fruit teabag infusions, so this works out at about 15-20p a bottle. If you pick fruit for free (blackberries etc) you can make it for about 5p a bottle.

Tastes at its best when sitting in a slow moving railway goods wagon going through a dustbowl...

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A kit to make 5 gallons of reasonable wine (30 bottles) will work out at about £1.10 a bottle - I've seen ones that work out about 80p a bottle but have never tried them. You can brew beer from a kit for pennies a pint.

I've got a gallon of mead that's almost ready to bottle - easy to make; Honey, water yeast - mix and ferment. Shold come out somewhere around 14%+

http://www.wyrdwords.vispa.com/heathenry/mead/index.html

If you want to do it cheap wild elderberry is the one to go for, and supposed to be absolutely the best of the best (you will never want to drink grape wine again). Trees are ready sept / oct? I must confess to never having made it, although intend doing so every year. problem is I have rows of whitecurrant, redcurrant, blackcurrant and gooseberry in my allotment so I go for the easy option.

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If you want to do it cheap wild elderberry is the one to go for, and supposed to be absolutely the best of the best (you will never want to drink grape wine again). Trees are ready sept / oct? I must confess to never having made it, although intend doing so every year. problem is I have rows of whitecurrant, redcurrant, blackcurrant and gooseberry in my allotment so I go for the easy option.

I've made it on a couple of occasions - I just put a couple of gallons on the other day from frozen berries I got last year. It hasn't really worked out for me as the stuff I've done came out tastng very much like stale tea. I think it was due to using berries that weren't quite ripe. I believe they should be very ripe - to the point where they take almost no pressure to squish them.

Try again this year though.

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My dad used to make very nice wine from both blackberry and elderberry.

Blackberries will soon be croppable - they start late august but you can keep going back to the bushes up to november-ish.

Elderberry was more problematic as the birds tend to strip the bushes once they get ripe - though you can find areas where there are just so many bushes that the birds can't scoff the lot!

If you can resist both wines benefit from maturing 6 months after fermentation ;)

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My dad used to make very nice wine from both blackberry and elderberry.

Blackberries will soon be croppable - they start late august but you can keep going back to the bushes up to november-ish.

Elderberry was more problematic as the birds tend to strip the bushes once they get ripe - though you can find areas where there are just so many bushes that the birds can't scoff the lot!

If you can resist both wines benefit from maturing 6 months after fermentation ;)

6 months - it said two weeks in the original article. I am of the ipod generation well - plus 10 years. I cant wait 6 months I want it now.

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My dad used to make very nice wine from both blackberry and elderberry.

Blackberries will soon be croppable - they start late august but you can keep going back to the bushes up to november-ish.

Elderberry was more problematic as the birds tend to strip the bushes once they get ripe - though you can find areas where there are just so many bushes that the birds can't scoff the lot!

If you can resist both wines benefit from maturing 6 months after fermentation ;)

Elderberry is tough and you're right about the long fermentation. I tried for a while and gave up but a friend of my mothers used to produce elderberry wine that was fantastic - better than a lot of commercial grape wine I 'd say, so I know it's possible.

Shrike? Direct reference to the butcher bird or indirect via Dan Simmons? Just curious.

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6 months - it said two weeks in the original article. I am of the ipod generation well - plus 10 years. I cant wait 6 months I want it now.

Thats why I used to brew beer - couldn't be doing with all the faff of wine making :P .

I've been reading the own brew thread over on anecdotals - I'm getting quite inspired to go back to it again after nearly 20 years - pub prices are waaay too high now , but I've never liked canned or bottled bitter.

BTW anyone following the Hobo's advice - make sure your fruity stuff doesn't contain preservatives. I do recall dad trying to use juice but the yeast got killed by the sulphites in the juice.

tbat - Shrike is after the bird - but you're not the first to ask about Dan Simmons - must get round to reading him sometime.

Edited by shrike

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It is possible to get turn white sugar into vodka in 3 days at an average price of less than £2 a litre.

Things to google:

Gert Strand

Turbo Pure 24hr

Easystill (a modified home water distiller HINT HINT)

If you're patient try the amazingstill

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Homebrew in the US? Oh dear: maybe the Belgians are about to find out just how mega-protectionist the American's can be? You can take the America out of Budweiser, but if you do, don't count on the Budweiser staying in America!

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Easystill (a modified home water distiller HINT HINT)

If you're patient try the amazingstill

Local Home Brew shop sells stills.

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Just a small warning on home brewed wine.

If you do put your wine in bottles and forget about it in the cellar for a year please please do make sure that the bottles do not become pressurised with carbon dioxide gas from continued fermentation otherwise they will turn into bombs. Seriously, they can be very very dangerous and many times the bomb squad have had to come out to rescue a home brew wine maker from certain disfigurement.

If you do bottle it - perhaps sterilised champagne bottles might be best. They are designed to be pressurised.

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I've been making 'hobo-wine' for a while now and to be honest I don't think I'd go back to 'real' wine anytime soon, because it just tastes better and has none of the chemicals or crap that gives you a hangover. I make mine from fruit teabag infusions, so this works out at about 15-20p a bottle. If you pick fruit for free (blackberries etc) you can make it for about 5p a bottle.

Tastes at its best when sitting in a slow moving railway goods wagon going through a dustbowl...

I haven't done it for a few years but elderberry wine is good and the fruit is free. The last lot I made almost had the consistency of Port.

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Local Home Brew shop sells stills.

They do?! :o thought it was illegal to distill alcohol without paying excise duty?

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