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Longinthetooth

How Many Solicitors Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

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I know its Friday night but what do you reckon?

You'll never know but I reckon its a 19 hour day so its about £5700 + disbursements + VAT!

B)

SB

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You are close STRBear.

I'll forward my account which is £175, plus administation costs of £65 plus postage and packaging of £27.50. You can pay my credit/debit card (for which there will be an adminstrative fee of £11.75). Failure to pay within 24 hrs will result in us forwarding this matter to Kneecap'r'us who will charge another administrative fee of £3.25 per second.

We would further advise, don't ask a solicitor how many solicitors it would take to change a lightbulb. We would also enclose our fee for this information which is £175, plus administation costs of £65 plus postage and packaging of £27.50. You can pay my credit/debit card (for which there will be an adminstrative fee of £11.75). Failure to pay within 24 hrs will result in us forwarding this matter to Kneecap'r'us who will charge another administrative fee of £3.25 per second.

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How many Commercial solicitors does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

What do you get when you cross a solicitor with The Godfather?

An offer you cannot understand

Why does the Law Society prohibit sex between solicitors and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What's the difference between a good solicitor and a bad solicitor?

A bad solicitor can let a case drag out for several years. A good solicitor can make it last even longer.

A solicitor died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him inline to see Saint Peter. To his surprise, Saint Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the solicitor was, and greeted him warmly. Then Saint Peter and one of his assistants took the solicitor by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The solicitor said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

Saint Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was £50.00 for three questions. "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

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How many Commercial solicitors does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

What do you get when you cross a solicitor with The Godfather?

An offer you cannot understand

Why does the Law Society prohibit sex between solicitors and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What's the difference between a good solicitor and a bad solicitor?

A bad solicitor can let a case drag out for several years. A good solicitor can make it last even longer.

A solicitor died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him inline to see Saint Peter. To his surprise, Saint Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the solicitor was, and greeted him warmly. Then Saint Peter and one of his assistants took the solicitor by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The solicitor said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

Saint Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was £50.00 for three questions. "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

My favourite is:-

There are two car crashes; one involving a lawyer and one involving a snake.

How do you know which crash involved the lawyer and which one involved the snake?

There were skid marks found in front of the snake! Boom Tish.

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Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'The Lawyer', and the party of the second part, also known as 'The Light Bulb', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('Receptacle'), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable regulations and statutes.

3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

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Guest KingCharles1st

how long it takes is not the question.. More importantly, if there is hopefully a conflict of interests between the landlord, and the current occupier on who should change the bulb, then it is entirely appropriate to employ a second firm of solicitors to act on behalf of the other party. With careful stalling, they may be able to drag out the task of appointing responsibility to one of the two warring parties for as long as 12-18 months.

With regard to the actual question of how many solicitors would change the lightbulb itself, I feel there would be precious few who would actually demean themselves to accomplish such a manual task...

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Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'The Lawyer', and the party of the second part, also known as 'The Light Bulb', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('Receptacle'), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable regulations and statutes.

3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

This is absolutely brilliant, made my day...well done!

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Guest anorthosite

I would say it takes just one.

But I'd like to be there to kick the ladder out from under the f@*&er.

The great thing is this punchline works for any number of the parasitic professions - lawyers, landlords, IFAs, etc

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How many government ministers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

But it takes four to set up a working party recommending that every local authority appoint a team of Darkness Management Co-Ordinators.

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You'll never know but I reckon its a 19 hour day so its about £5700 + disbursements + VAT!

B)

SB

I'm afraid the health and safety regulations have not been adhered to.Solicitors are not qualified or permitted to change lightbulbs.They do not have the commensurate legal certificates allowing the refurbishment of electrical devices under part P of the Building Regulations Act 2006.

Therefore,Notice is hereby given that the electrical devices installed either be removed,or an inspection assuring compliance with the above regulations be completed,certified and submitted to the relevant authorities within 28 days of receipt of this notification.If certification by a qualified inspector has not been submitted and found to be in accordance with part p of the Building Regulations act 2006,legal procedure will be sought to suspend all operations from the premesis.

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