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Thanks To Soaring Inflation Britons Have Never Felt So Well Off!

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Britons are making millions of pounds every week by speculating on the recent massive food price boom.

"I think there are some excellent investment opportunities in these rising food prices said I'm a stupid spotty sales person [email protected] of Fulchester."

Mr [email protected] is one of the growing numbers of entrepreneurs who have taken advantage of the boom in essential food item costs of the past few months.

"I went to a seminar run by Inside Cow and they advised I should buy some cows" said Mr [email protected]

"Inside Cow told me that Cows are in demand now that milk prices have doubled in the past year so I figured that if I bought some cows I would be able to make a mark up of at least 30 per cent."

Mr [email protected] was not alone with this belief as another potential investor mug, told me that "milk always goes up, innit!"

The well known milk expert Krusty Uddersopp dismissed any chance of a corection in the milk market; "People always desire to have a nice glass of milk or milk with cornflakes and I cannot ever see that desire going away." Ms Udderstopp has a new series of Moocation, Moocation, Moocation which is due to start next week on Channel 4.

Edited by SlumpmonkeyII
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What I got here is Magic Beans. These are prime beanstalk (complete with giant/gold and magic and whatever) producing beans and I can do 3 for the price of that there cash cow. Whadyasay? That's 3, count em, 3 MAGIC beans. You have to buy them NOW though.

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"Look at all this" Daisy Ducker told this journalist proudly as she swept her hand over the contents of her spacious larder. "Beans up from 50p to 75p, cooking oil up by 15 pence, Bread up by 30%, and you should just see how much the lightbulbs in my conservatory cost now! Its absolutely marvellous, just about everything Ive bought in a shop in the last 6 months is now worth about 12% more than what I paid for it. Of course I'm a bit worried about my daughter, she lives on her own and didnt stock up on beans and pickled onions when I told her to so now might not be able to afford to buy any, but it'll probably all come right in the end"

Daisy isnt alone as all over Britain average people have been rejoicing as the cost of everyday items they hold in their fridges soar in value. And with the increase in Britains bread wealth up 18% already, and pretty much everyone already owning a loaf, its not hard to see where the smiles are coming from.

"This is brilliant" Said Darren a beaming economics graduate, as he left Sainsda this morning with two French sticks and pack of value muffins under his arm, "Absolutely everything Ive just bought will be worth three times as much next year, its money for nothing!"

Some people on an obscure website complaining that if food keeps going up in price then pretty soon people wont be able to buy any have been branded "Doomsayers" and "Kiljoys" by Kirsty McSoapstain a supermarket spokeswoman. "They just dont want people to enjoy their new found wealth" She honked angrily. "The less people can afford bread the less there'll be and the more the price will go up, it stands to reason. And young people can buy individual slices in shared equity with the taxpayer, so its not even like anyones missing out on the miracle".

So why arent we hearing stories like this now?

I suspect Daisy Ducker is a member of "Inside Isle" and that is why she has been able to build up her larder

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