Jump to content
House Price Crash Forum
Sign in to follow this  
Kootenai Brown

Buy-to-let Investors Age 1,000 Years In Four Seconds

Recommended Posts

Daily Mash

BUY-TO-LET INVESTORS AGE 1,000 YEARS IN FOUR SECONDS

THOUSANDS of buy-to-let investors are ageing 1,000 years in around four seconds after receiving the latest valuations of their rented properties.

mummy.jpg

Nothing can possibly go wrongNikki Hollis, said her husband Tom crumbled to ashes at the breakfast table shortly after opening a letter from his bank.

She said: "He kept telling everyone we were loaded because he'd bought ten flats on the never-never and the daft sods who were wasting their money renting them would make us into millionaires.

"He opened the letter and his face started to crumple. I thought he was crying, but he was getting more and more wrinkled. Then his hair went all long and white, then he was just a skull, and then he was gone.

"Turns out we owe the bank £1.5 million, even after I've given them our house. They say I should go on the game. It's alright for Tom, he's in a jar."

Cathy Smith, 36, said her husband Keith dissolved like 'one of baddies at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark' after taking a phone call from his bank.

"He was laughing at first, saying 'just take the keys and have the bloody flats back, they're more trouble than they're worth.

"Then they told him they were taking the house and all our savings. Four seconds later he melted into a brown puddle on our lovely John Lewis rug."

She added: "Keith said buy-to-let was perfect for people like us with no knowledge of the property market. Now all I've got left are his teeth."

Bill McKay, 56, a neighbour of the Smiths who had spent four years listening to Keith boasting about how they would soon retire to France, said: "Aha, ha, ha. Aha ha, ha, ha. Aha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Shedfish
The Daily Mash, a quality broadsheet.

they've surpassed themselves - funniest thing i've read this year :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Shedfish
"Keith said buy-to-let was perfect for people like us with no knowledge of the property market. Now all I've got left are his teeth."

i may die laughing....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Brilliant :lol: I wonder what those two teachers in Kent will look like soon !!

Unfortunately those 2 teachers weren't so stupid.

If I remember correctly they set up a limited company (so its the company with the debts) and no doubt have been paying themselves comedy salaries for the last X years.

So when it all goes wrong they'll just fold the company.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It gets better, this is from the Agony Aunt page...

I recently bought 31 new two-bedroom flats from a series of property developers for £7.5 million despite never having seen any of them. The idea was I would do no research, have no idea about the property market, they would manage them all for me, I would do no work whatsoever and I would become a millionaire. It all seemed very straightforward to me. So I did not put down any deposits and borrowed all the money from the bank at a silly interest rate.

Now it appears my flats are worth nothing and I can’t rent them out to cover my interest bill. My bank is going to repossess all the flats and then my house and my car. It says I will still owe them £3.5 million and so will have to hand over my wife and my 15-year old daughter for the chief executive to use as he pleases.

Might this explain the sudden and early onset of impotence?

Flaccid,

Flaxborough.

Petula says:

Dear Flaccid,

I am not sure whether your current situation is sufficient to explain your impotence. However, it certainly suggests you are f****d. You lazy, stupid, greedy, b*****d.

Source

:lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

From the same site:

IS HBOS RUN BY SCOTSMEN?

FINANCIAL watchdogs are to investigate malicious rumours that HBOS, one of Britain's leading banks, is run by filthy Scotsmen.

Has this dirty Scotsman shoved your money up his kilt?Shares in the bank plunged yesterday after unscrupulous traders claimed the 'S' in HBOS stood for 'Scotland' and that the bank had been taken over by a gang of 'arseholed Glaswegians'.

Julian Cook, a senior trader at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "After I'd dumped £220 million worth of stock, my first thought was for the poor people at HBOS, having to cope with all those awful Scotsmen." He added: "It's worse than having a bank run by Geordies."

A spokesman for the Financial Services Authority said: "It is deeply irresponsible to suggest that a major British bank is run by dirty Scotsmen. As everyone knows the 'S' stands for 'Sheffield'.

"HBOS is run by square-jawed Yorkshiremen, who go to church every Sunday and whose cheeks are red from long, character-building walks in the Pennines and vigorous games of rugby league."

Despite official reassurances some HBOS customers have withdrawn their savings, terrified at the prospect of it being touched by stinking, foul-mouthed Glaswegians.

Alice Peters, a teacher from Swindon, said: "Oh my God, they'll steal all my money and spend it on strong lager, deep fried confectionery and sporran wax."

Tom Logan, a retired policeman from Watford, said: "I was worried the branch manager would grab me by the lapels, breathe vodka and Coke all over me, then put his arm round my neck and force me to sing We Are Sailing."

An HBOS spokesman said: "Och, dinnae be a big clootie. There's nae Scotsmen here, apart from yon laddie who cleans oot the bogs."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The really funny thing is that the reaction to that letter from the bank is EXACTLY as described. FOR REAL.

From 100% of the emotional hieghts of success to -100% the end.

How will mrs BTL show her face in the school run when the X5 has been repoed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Mr Parry
Unfortunately those 2 teachers weren't so stupid.

If I remember correctly they set up a limited company (so its the company with the debts) and no doubt have been paying themselves comedy salaries for the last X years.

So when it all goes wrong they'll just fold the company.

The 'Limited Company' thing is myth. For there to be be loans to a limited company there are such things as Directors personal guarantees.

Best thing for the Wilsons to do if they haven't already done it is make a trip in the Bentley to Switzerland with a boot full of cash.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The 'Limited Company' thing is myth. For there to be be loans to a limited company there are such things as Directors personal guarantees.

Best thing for the Wilsons to do if they haven't already done it is make a trip in the Bentley to Switzerland with a boot full of cash.

Whatever happened to Ray `Riviera` Woolley?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest pioneer31
Brilliant :lol: I wonder what those two teachers in Kent will look like soon !!

They look bad enough NOW

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Mr Parry
The really funny thing is that the reaction to that letter from the bank is EXACTLY as described. FOR REAL.

From 100% of the emotional hieghts of success to -100% the end.

How will mrs BTL show her face in the school run when the X5 has been repoed.

I was sat in pub garden last summer with two of the old boys from my site near Maidstone.

Anyway, on the next bench there was this woman (fake posh sounding) going on about her life. Her friend says "Well at least you've got a cash paying job now".

She says, "I know, but we are going to lose the house in Tonbridge if we don't sell our place. I mean why dosen't anyone want a manor house in two acres. And they're going to reposess the cars next". She then starts crying and friends console her.

Then Mick the excavator driver pipes up and says "I'll get you a gun so you can shoot yourself!"

I couldn't stop crying with laughter.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • 297 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?


      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%



×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.