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dude wheres my house

Northern Rock Buyer Found

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Buyer from heaven for Northern Rock

Northern Rock is to be acquired by a major institution: The Church of England.

Though hitherto the CoE has not been enamoured of money-lenders, the dramatic take-over stems from recognition of the natural synergy between the two institutions.

Both require a continuing demonstration of user faith, and both now seem to involve their customers standing around a lot, in queues or pews, and praying.

Both attach great importance to liquidity (no CoE font is ever allowed to run dry) and both take in deposits on a regular basis, many of them from individuals who haven’t a clue where the money goes or how it’s handled.

Like others of its ilk, NR has been entirely unable to satisfy customer demand for full weekend opening. By contrast, Sunday trading has long been practised by CoE, with a range of different services on offer.

As to the question of user confidence, NR can self-evidently only appeal to a higher authority in whom there seems to have been very little faith.

Although this may be because the name ‘Mervyn’ lacks the capacity to inspire, by contrast, the CoE’s top management has for many years shown itself to be highly believable, even if the Rome operation has occasionally proved eccentric.

The CoE’s locational spread isn’t as wide as it used to be, but is still bigger than NR’s. Accordingly, the new headquarters building that NR is currently constructing for itself will be sold off as an apartment block to BTLs, with NR taking immediate advantage of CoE’s existing regional centres in places as diverse as York, Canterbury, and Lincoln.

The new Chief Executive of the combined Church of Rock, or Crock, as it may become known, will be a Mr Mel Gibson. Already a high profile figure in everything from New Testament studies to modern-day law enforcement, Mr Gibson’s affinity with Scotland is expected to bring in massive support from north of the border.

Certain changes to the CoE’s constitution are going to be necessary, as well as some updating of staff dress code, but in general terms the acquisition seems certain to go ahead with the approval of The Treasury, Bank of England, and FSA, this last to be now known as the Fiscal & Spiritual Authority.

At a joint news conference to held later today, the outgoing Chief Executive of NR is expected to welcome Mr Mel Gibson and unveil a series of television commercials featuring Mr Cliff Richard as the singing branch manager. This replaces a proposed series featuring Carol Vordermann, which CoE insiders say might have irreparably damaged the new brand.

The Archbishop of Canterbury is also expected to confirm that as the worshipping of money has become a religion in itself, the CoE believes its own expertise in that regard means it is now ideally placed to move into this particular market. :lol:

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