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Caledonian-Emigre

Estate Agent Jokes

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With houses still storming ahead it looks like I will never have the chance of returning to Britian.

So to make me feel better I found a few estate agent jokes on the web.

Question: What is the difference between a single sperm and an estate agent?

Answer: A single sperm has a one in three million chance of becoming a decent human being.

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After a difficult and protracted sale, the new owners finally moved in and the estate agent wanted to send flowers to congratulate them. The flowers arrived but the owners were shocked to read the card, which said: "Rest in Peace". The owners complained to the agent who, in turn, called the florist to protest about the mistake they had made. The florist said: "I am very very sorry sir, but rather than getting angry, think of the funeral taking place today that has flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".

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Two estate agents are sitting in their office and listening to the news on the radio during their lunch break. The newsreader explains how the Americans have managed to create a bomb that destroys people, but leaves buildings intact. "That's nothing new, we've had that in England for years," says one to the other. "It's called a mortgage!"

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Question: What do you call 20 estate agents chained together at the bottom of the sea?

Answer: A damn good start.

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Question: How can you tell when an estate agent is lying?

Answer: His lips move.

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London estate agent to young couple who explain that they are first-time buyers: "Oh, it isn't often we see your type in these offices, well, this is how it works ... first you tell me how much you can afford, then we can all have a good laugh about it, and we can go on from there."

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An estate agent parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he is getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. The estate agent grabs his mobile phone and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the agent screams hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined." The policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how bloody materialistic you estate agents are. You're so focussed on your possessions, you don't notice anything else in your life." The agent retorts: "How can you say that, at a time like this?" The policeman replies: "Didn't you realise that your right arm had been torn from your body when the truck hit you?" The estate agent looks down in absolute horror .... "Oh no," he screams. "My Rolex, my gorgeous gold Rolex!"

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Five estate agents are buried up to their necks in sand. What is needed to resolve this situation?

Answer: More sand.

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Question: What do Estate Agents use for birth control?

Answer: Their personalities!

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Question: What do you get if you cross a Pig with an Estate Agent?

Answer: Nothing...there's some things that even a pig won't do!

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An Estate Agent, a Jew and a Hindu survive a plane crash and are walking along trying to find shelter. They stumble across a farm and beg the farmer to put them up. "I've only got two spare rooms" says the Farmer, "so one of you will have to bed down in the barn". The Jew agrees to take the barn but after ten minutes, knocks at the Farm house door... "Look, I'm sorry but there's a pig in the barn. Pig's are sacred animals to us. That's why we don't eat pork". On hearing this, the Hindu decides he'll swop places with the Jew, but after another ten minutes, there's another knock on the door. "Look I'm really sorry, but there's a cow in the barn. I couldn't possibly share a room with a cow as we hold cows sacred in our religion.". On hearing this, the Estate Agent agrees to take the place in the barn. Ten minutes later, there's a knock at the door and there stands the pig and the cow!

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  • 301 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?


      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%



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