Jump to content
House Price Crash Forum
Sign in to follow this  
ILikeBigBoobs

Property Rises By 450 Per Cent In One Week? Here's How

Recommended Posts

Value of your house risen by 450 per cent in one week? Here's how

by Flash Gorman

It's pretty well impossible these days to throw a breeze block during a London dinner party without hitting someone who claims that the value of their house value has doubled in the past six months. Despite the valiant and selfless efforts of estate agents to keep prices down, the value of UK property continues to rocket ever skyward.

Indeed, whereas a one-room terraced house in Barnsley with outside toilet and tin bath in front of the fire cost just £0.11 in 1993, it will now set you back over £43.70. And by the time you finish reading this piece, it will have risen to a cool £97.64.

In an attempt to get to the bottom of this curious phenomenon we assembled the world's leading experts on house retail price indexes, the UK housing market as well as three nationally-regarded PVCu conservatory salesmen, and put them in a three-bedroom dwelling in Knightsbridge for a 24-hour period. The house was valued by a qualified estate agent* at the start of the trial and every four hours thereafter. Between valuations, our team conducted a series of experiments to see if they could artificially alter the property's value.

Initial valuation: £580,000

Test one

As a control test our team just lounged around smoking cigarettes and doing complicated equations for four hours.

Valuation one: £620,000

The estate agent explained the increase was due to the area "hotting up", although subsequent experiments failed to reveal any increase in the ambient temperature.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Test two:

A burnt-out car was placed into the extremely small front walled garden. Lack of access meant a crane was required to complete the task.

Valuation two: £700,000

The estate agent amended the house details to include the phrase: "Ample off-road parking."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Test three:

A crack den was opened next door to the house and three passers-by were taken out by sniper fire from an upstairs window. Prostitutes began to bang up smack on the front steps and service tricks in the stair well.

Valuation three: £900,000

The estate agent amended the house details to include the phrase: "Located in a culturally-diverse area and with excellent access to local amenities."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Test four:

All of the internal supporting walls were knocked out causing the house to partially collapse.

Valuation four: £910,000

The estate agent amended the house details to include the phrase: "Character property, ripe for modernisation."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Test five:

The rubble-strewn remains of the property were filled with Kosovar Albanians and drums of chemical waste.

Valuation five: £1,010,000

The estate agent amended the house details to include the phrase: "Unique opportunity to acquire ongoing rental business."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Test six:

The arrival of an itinerant Serbian militia resulted in the destruction of the Albanians, the remains of the property and all other houses in a three-block radius.

Valuation six: £2,000,000

The estate agent amended the house details to read: "Stunning green-field site benefiting from uninterrupted views of Central London and the potential to build a detached character property with off-street parking in an area of celebrated cultural diversity."

Conclusion:

It seems it is impossible to stop house prices rising as relentlessly as a Morecambe Bay rip tide. We didn't have the time or facilities to engineer an economic downturn in order to view the effect this would have on the housing market, but we did run a sophisticated computer doomsday simulation.

This predicted that society would collapse if prices in the south east of England dipped more than ten per cent, and a cataclysmic fall of twenty per cent would cause immediate nuclear winter followed rapidly by the heat death of the entire universe.

* Thanks to a recent government review of estate agents, they must now have at least two "For Sale" signs and a newish suit to qualify for the title. It is hoped that these rigorous requirements will serve to further enhance the already high regard in which estate agents are held.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Re: Suzi Lamplugh. There was a piece on Radio 4 today - but it had been on early in Woman's Hour during the week as it is exactly 20 years since Suzi went "missing".

Sadly, her body has still not been found and no-one ever charged for her murder, although they have a named suspect but no proof.

Her Mum, Diana, who worked tirelessly for the Suzi Lamplugh trust to make employers aware of the potential dangers employeees in all walks of life may face, has had a stroke and although physically fine, has lot her memory totally. She is now being cared for 24/7 in a home. Her husband, although Diana cannot recognise him and he visits her often and takes her out, said something to the effect that it was a blessing she could no longer recall Suzi and her death.

Couldn't help thinking what a cruel blessing for a couple who had been through so much and tried so hard to change things so others would be less at risk.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Re: Suzi Lamplugh. There was a piece on Radio 4 today - but it had been on early in Woman's Hour during the week as it is exactly 20 years since Suzi went "missing".

Sadly, her body has still not been found and no-one ever charged for her murder, although they have a named suspect but no proof.

Her Mum, Diana, who worked tirelessly for the Suzi Lamplugh trust to make employers aware of the potential dangers employeees in all walks of life may face, has had a stroke and although physically fine, has lot her memory totally. She is now being cared for 24/7 in a home. Her husband, although Diana cannot recognise him and he visits her often and takes her out, said something to the effect that it was a blessing she could no longer recall Suzi and her death.

Couldn't help thinking what a cruel blessing for a couple who had been through so much and tried so hard to change things so others would be less at risk.

Amen.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • 301 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?


      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%



×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.