Jump to content
House Price Crash Forum
Sign in to follow this  

Doubts Cast On Recent Strength Of The Housing Market

Recommended Posts

I'm sure you guys have seen this already, so apologies for duplication, but just in case, I thought this was interesting


Yeh, very! But this is more

Doggers versus Satanists: The battle for the countryside

'Hardly room to swing a ceremonial staff'

by Neil Harvey

A spokes-mage for one of the most secretive and reviled groups of Satanists in the UK The Friends of Kazeekial has publicly criticized outside sex fanciers for taking over the countryside, making it nigh impossible for Black Masses to be held in some areas of the country.

A cloaked and heavily masked dark magician who goes by the name Akrazalia commented: "When the craze started up a few years ago, there was plenty of room for everyone. We kept ourselves to ourselves and the doggers did the same. But now, things have got completely out of hand it's wall to wall sh*ging and spanking, and in some of the woodlands we've used for decades, there's hardly room to swing a ceremonial staff."

Akrazalia's assistant, Zizakkel added bitterly: "It's very difficult to invoke demons and other elemental spirits, when, twenty yards away, a middle-aged couple from Croydon are trying to spice up their marriage, by watching a portly brunette in a wig stick courgettes up her a*se. And on the increasingly rare occasions where we are able to summon up a demon, we don't expect a loud woman with a Mancunian accent to approach it and offer it a hand-job in the bushes. Nor do we expect it to take her up on the offer.

"We need a certain amount of gravitas to operate successfully and this doesn't seem to get through to the doggers. Certain demons should start to think about this too. They should also remember that comments about us being 'boring' and 'all doom and gloom' are hurtful. We might have to think about invoking more grateful demons if the needling continues and they keep buggering off with the doggers. We're not invoking them so they can have three-somes with bored house-wives right, left and centre."

Zizakkel recounts another incident where selfish doggers ruined a dark ceremony: "We were planning to re-animate a dead stoat, when out of nowhere, a naked women shot out, picked up the stoat and ran off with it to a nearby car-park. We ran after her but by the time we'd got there, she was pleasuring herself with the poor animal on the bonnet of an old Ford Escort — not exactly hygienic. She was surrounded by a group of onlookers which included a second-division football player, an actor from Eastenders and Ben Fogle from the BBC's Country File — who seems to get everywhere these days.

"I must confess that I had accidently become aroused by the sight of the woman on the car, and noticing the bulge under my cloak, someone shouted out 'Is that a wand or are you just pleased to see me!', which was met with uproarious laughter. Then Ben Fogle himself piped up, shouting 'Look at the size of it — there's nothing remotely magical about that!' It was all very embarrassing and it totally spoiled the evening."

Akrazalia adds: "I don't know where to look on some occasions — these people really do have no shame. The only vibrations they seem concerned with are those which emanate from the disgusting collections of sex toys which they all see to drive around with."

But doggers themselves have stoutly defended their right to al fresco orgies and criticized the satanists: "Those characters really need to loosen up," said a spokesman who asked us to identify him by the name "Jonny Lesley". "We've got as much right to be in the country-side as they have and a few of them look so up-tight that they would clearly benefit from a good shagging. Summoning up dark forces in the dead of night is all very well, but it's nothing compared to the delights of a FFM 3-way in a hire-van, watched by coked-up Z-list celebrities."

Last night, the Countryside Alliance were still a bunch of vile, dyspeptic and parochial stuffed-shirts, whose entire way of life is largely subsidised by the "townies" they detest. ILBB, John Craven and Bill Oddie are all said to love Great Tits.

Edited by ILikeBigBoobs

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • 333 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?

      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%

  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.