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The Masked Tulip

Provence Sea-slug

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Environmentalists today issued a warning to home owners on the South Coast of England. A voracious type of sea snail from the Brittany region of Northern France is being found in increasing numbers here in the UK.

About the size of a five pence coin the snail, known commonly as the Provence Sea-slug after the region in Southern France where it usually resides, has been steadily migrating northwards for the past 50 years. Climate change is believed to be the main factor in this as plankton like creatures that the snail feeds upon have moved northwards on warmer North Atlantic currents. The sea-slug has followed.

Environmentalists issued the warning due to the considerable damage that the snail leaves in its wake. "Colonies of the slug can run into the millions. They breed every 72 hours and large areas of coastal land can quickly become deluged with them," warned one scientist who has spent a career monitoring the snail. "What they feed on is not a problem in itself but where they live is. These snails are in the evolutionary process of moving from the sea to the land and are often found below the low tide mark, on the beach itself and in dunes behind the beach. They have been found inland as much as 5 kilometers.".
How a snail so small can be considered a threat is best learnt from the hard lessons that the French have discovered. "The snail burrows into everything - wood, stone, concrete, even steel and simply burrows like a termite," says Henri Berchaumps, Head Biologist of the Brittany Aquamarine Research Institute in San Malo. "Here in France we have had boats, piers, buildings of all sizes become instable and uninhabitable due to their worm-like burrowing. We've even found them living in the metal frame of a bicycle belonging to an osyter fisherman!".

At first news of a voracious sea snail arriving in the UK might be pause for laughter but, British Environmentalists warn, "The French have seen damage from this snail estimated in the region of hundreds of millions of Euros. Century old houses have been destroyed along with appartment blocks built in the past 10 years. There is a war going on our coastline and most British homeowners who live alongside the coast should prepare themselves for the invasion!".

So far the snail has been found along the Devon, Cornish and Dorset coasts with, in the last week, specimens being found in Kent and as far north as the Severn estuary. "When the UK wakes up to the enormity of the Provence Sea-slug," stated Aidan Burke, Marine Biologist at the Cardiff Bay Marine Centre, "People will realise that bird 'flu is not the problem - bird 'flu is not going to make your house fall down!".
Edited by The Masked Tulip

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"People will realise that bird 'flu is not the problem - bird 'flu is not going to make your house fall down!"."

Although to be fair some people might find being dead a bit inconvenient as well. :unsure:

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You don't want to be ill in bed with bird 'flu worrying about these snails eating away at your brickwork! :o

Is this what the apocalypse is to be then? Too ill to fight back after breathing the same air as a pestilence ridden pigeon whilst a swarm of half inch French slugs eat your home. I must admit it seemed less likely than assured mutual nuclear destruction. I'd bet all those loony lefty CND types feel they've wasted their time now eh?

Edited by bandylegs

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Is this what the apocalypse is to be then? Too ill to fight back after breathing the same air as a pestilence ridden pigeon whilst a swarm of half inch French slugs eat your home. I must admit it seemed less likely than assured mutual nuclear destruction. I'd bet all those loony lefty CND types feel they've wasted their time now eh?

LMAO! :lol:

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LMAO! :lol:

Laughing Tulip? I'd have thought that somebody who lived as close to the sea as you would be making plans.

I must say my potential move to Cornwall seems less appealing. Still if they get too close I could always shake a frogs leg at them, that should sh*t em up a bit.

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I want some, so versatile - steel, concrete, wood.

I'll glue them onto my old bits and swizzle them round on the end of me Hilti. :lol:

Edited by OnlyMe

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Guest horace

What was the name of the snail in The Magic Roundabout? That was French too.

Bong said Mr Zebiddy.... time for bed.

horace :)

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What was the name of the snail in The Magic Roundabout? That was French too.

Bong said Mr Zebiddy.... time for bed.

horace :)

That Snail was called Brian. I wouldn't imagine he'd get involved with these Provence characters. Still you never know; it is always the quiet ones...

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  • 301 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?


      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%



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