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My daughter is a homeowner so why do her relationships go wrong?


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41 minutes ago, Blink said:

The question is wrong.

"My daughter's boyfriends are not homeowners, so why does their relationships go wrong?"

I think that answers it!

That could have a lot to do with it :)

 

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1 minute ago, LetsBuild said:

I think it probably has more to do with the fact she has never had a father figure in life and is just following mums example.

Could be lack of understanding of the give and take in relationships. Not 'look at me I'm a home owner so beg at my feet'.

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12 minutes ago, Si1 said:

Need the full text:

The dilemma My youngest daughter, 26, has just split up with her boyfriend of nine months. She is a homeowner, a graduate and has a great job, but when her relationships don’t work she can be volatile and has attempted or considered attempting suicide.

Every time this happens to her, I spin out of control and become very unhappy. Her father left when I was seven months pregnant with her, and my eldest daughter was two. He has played no part in their lives. Once they became old enough to contact him they did so, but he is not interested, and neither are they. As a teenager she had counselling and medication when her mental health was challenging. Now, she will either ring me a lot or be silent for days – and I fear the silence.

How can I sleep when I worry that she might do something terminal? I need to care less, but can’t. I retired at the end of March and plan on relocating so that I will be closer to her and my eldest daughter.

I even thought I might find a boyfriend/partner of my own. I have been entirely single (no dates, no intimacy) for 27 years. I’m 56 now. I’ve become accustomed to living vicariously and wonder if this is why I suffer so much when my daughter struggles. Do I need to find a way to let her keep getting it wrong without intervening?

Id like to know where this woman is.

Lets assume this is real rather than readers wives junk.

Shes not going to be a home owner. Shes going to have a very a large of debt. God help her if shes a HTBer.

So, youve got someone whos not the full picnic basket who cannot handle knock backs.

Whats gojng to happen when  she gets made redundant, decides she doesnt want to work the next 30 years to pay off her mortgage? Cant get a remortgage after the HTB period ends??

I could not imagine anything worse than a mentally unstable person who cant handle rejected carrying a huge mortgage just as she hits baby fever age.

Mental.

 

 

 

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3 minutes ago, winkie said:

Going for the wrong types..?

Not helped by a mother as mad as a bag of snakes 

Seems proud of this 

I even thought I might find a boyfriend/partner of my own. I have been entirely single (no dates, no intimacy) for 27 years. I’m 56 now. 

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I think this exposes a generational divide and reflects more on the mother's mentality and problems than on the daughter's.

In the mother's mind, she is a 'home owner' and home owner = successful. She is simply unable to see that 'owning a home' or actually far more likely for a young person, having a colossal debt we politely call a mortgage, isn't the only thing that can be used to measure one's worth by.

I suspect that younger people are not as obsessed about 'home onwership', it's out of their reach and perhaps they are more interested in other qualities, brains, fun, companionship, a hot ****?

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4 minutes ago, GregBowman said:

Not helped by a mother as mad as a bag of snakes 

Seems proud of this 

I even thought I might find a boyfriend/partner of my own. I have been entirely single (no dates, no intimacy) for 27 years. I’m 56 now. 

I can understand a woman not dating whilst she has kids esp girls under 16.

However ..... it does sound like shes getting the swerve.

Im not sure, Liz Hurley excepted, theres much demand for 55+ women with mental grown up children.

 

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Posted (edited)

Narcissistic expectations inherited from mother. Maybe the daughter hates her job and life but pretends everything's ok on the surface because it's 'great'

A wise friend said to me over 6 pints in the pub - "you can't love another person unless you love yourself"

So if you hate your life you won't be able to give enough of yourself to another person to make a relationship work, and you'll always want the other person to fix your problems. They can't.

Edited by Si1
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40 minutes ago, Switch625 said:

I think this exposes a generational divide and reflects more on the mother's mentality and problems than on the daughter's.

In the mother's mind, she is a 'home owner' and home owner = successful. She is simply unable to see that 'owning a home' or actually far more likely for a young person, having a colossal debt we politely call a mortgage, isn't the only thing that can be used to measure one's worth by.

I suspect that younger people are not as obsessed about 'home onwership', it's out of their reach and perhaps they are more interested in other qualities, brains, fun, companionship, a hot ****?

This 100%
 

Also thick men might feel emasculated at a bird having her own house when they don’t (blokes feel like failures and don’t fancy always having no power, always having ‘it’s my house’ thrown in their face). I never understood couples where only one person buys a house. also why buy a house if your young and single? Is it a hope to feeling more successful than you really are? Always buy with a partner, and build your life, the rushing to buy is brainless 

clever blokes just see it as it is, a terrible new build and mountains on debt on minimum payments over 40 years, with an unstable bird with massive rejection issues, a lot of red flags here. 

mother probably sees her daughter as super successful, and doesn’t see that the ability to obtain a new build outside of London is basically open to anyone with 1 months wage saved and a credit card and overdraft 

it’s the whole cars on finance thing again, now buying a flash car is basically a ‘moron marker’ someone driving around a new BMW is no longer a sign of success but actually a marker of being quite thick and the kind of person making poor finance decisions (moron bonus points if it’s white or grey for added chavvyness) 

same with new builds, the person buying might feel they are buying something posh, but in reality they are buying terrible quality, and what makes it 1000% worse (and here’s the funny bit) that they have to like surrounded by fecktards just like themselves who also make terrible terrible decisions (more likely to be antisocial knuckle dragging morons), so new build areas are utter terrible areas

i would run a mile from a girl who shows such lack of critical thinking. 

Life is full of moron traps like new builds, cars on finance etc. 

mite sad that her dad left, creating mental issues. but if your delicate like that don’t put yourself in situations you can’t cope with. A mortgage is a long grinding commitment, have to be pretty solid in your own life to take one on successfully. 

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Having uncharacteristic problems with the keyboard this morning @Si1? I trust they were wise, but they could have been wide I guess ?.

True enough statement. Not sure about the need to 'love oneself' that seems a bit narcissistic to me, but certainly agree you have to be happy in yourself and calm with your own life choices before you can fully share with another.

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10 minutes ago, Si1 said:

Narcissistic expectations inherited from mother. Maybe the daughter hates her job and life but pretends everything's ok on the surface because it's 'great'

A wise friend said to me over 6 pints in the pub - "you can't love another person unless you love yourself"

So if you hate your life you won't be able to give enough of yourself to another person to make a relationship work, and you'll always want the other person to fix your problems. They can't.

Best reply.

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Just now, Switch625 said:

 ?

True enough statement. Not sure about the need to 'love oneself' that seems a bit narcissistic to me, but certainly agree you have to be happy in yourself and calm with your own life choices before you can fully share with another.

I meant your latter interpretation. Narcs don't love themselves, they love their external image, that's different. But I think we're on the same page. 

Darned mobile phone predictive typing...

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25 minutes ago, jiltedjen said:

buying a flash car is basically a ‘moron marker’ someone driving around a new BMW is no longer a sign of success

Never heard them called that ? but you are totally right.

Before this pandemic came along I was toying with the idea of a new car. For me 'new car' has always been something at least 3 years old and bought outright. I saved up my money and then thought I should do my due diligence, so I worked out what the same car bought on HP would cost instead.

TWICE as much over a cycle of 8 years.

I didn't buy on HP and didn't buy a 'new car', which is starting to look like a smart move.

Edited by Switch625
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8 minutes ago, Si1 said:

Narcs don't love themselves, they love their external image

Fair play.

I have conflated the two and agree that from an external perspective they show all the signs of loving themselves, whilst form an internal perspective, if they are capable of such, the reverse is true.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201410/narcissists-need-love-themselves-more-not-less

The title of the article is Narcissists Need to Love Themselves More, Not Less

'Narcissists may seem as though they're completely in love with themselves, but at the root of their inflated egos are deeply-held feelings of inferiority'

Gotta love a predictive text gaff.

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3 minutes ago, Switch625 said:

Fair play.

I have conflated the two and agree that from an external perspective they show all the signs of loving themselves, whilst form an internal perspective, if they are capable of such, the reverse is true.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201410/narcissists-need-love-themselves-more-not-less

The title of the article is Narcissists Need to Love Themselves More, Not Less

'Narcissists may seem as though they're completely in love with themselves, but at the root of their inflated egos are deeply-held feelings of inferiority'

Gotta love a predictive text gaff.

Basically, a narc in a high status situation might actually be unhappy and may never have found whatever it is that would make them happy. This can be because their parents never let them find out. The same person in a different life might have, as a clichéd example, adopted a lower (superficially) station in life, but been happy as a pig in sh#t working the checkouts at the local Asda whilst being surrounded by warmth and love in an inner city terraced house. Externally people may thumb their noses at the latter, but that person doesn't care because they actually love their life, themselves and their friends/family. THAT'S true self love. :)

 

 

 

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It can be hard to find your bliss when everyone in society is telling you to get on the housing ladder, which then forces your mind on "how do I get that deposit + income", not "how can I be effective / contribute towards fabric of society and be somewhat fulfilled".  

I fell in this trap for a little while.  Broke it thankfully.

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44 minutes ago, 12fixer said:

Almost certain the daughter will be Borderline Personality Disorder, classic signs, nothing to do with her absent Dad.

I agree BPD.

As for her relationships, no sane man will put up with the chaotic nature of these individuals, going through cycles of idealise, devalue and discard.

In other words, her mother is most likely a high spectrum narcissist, daughter grows up with bpd/npd herself. Due to her mothers gas lighting, baiting, manipulation and cycles herself.

 

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