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500dan

How do you avoid getting angry?

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Specifically, I snap at my son now and then (nothing excessive), but because I'm divorced and don't see him much I end up spending days feeling guilty afterwards with no chance to apologise. 

Anyone got any tips on how to stop anger in the heat of the moment? 

 

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According to my wife and daughters I, apparently, years ago acquired the ability to let stuff pass through one ear and come out completley undetected from the other. :D

I guess it must help contribute to my generally calm persona. 

These days the things that raise my blood pressure are usually found being read here on HPC!  :D:D:D

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It's hard once the red mist has descended. You can't really change your temperament, so I just try to avoid situations which I know will annoy me, e.g. the other day I was having a drink in a restaurant, and a family were acting completely unreasonably about the perfectly fine food (sending it back, lecturing the waiters on how to cook, demanding to see the management, it was really demeaning bullying behavior). A few years ago I would have gone over to them and let loose verbally, but I just took my drink inside, had a joke with the waiters about them, and left.

Saying that, some people naturally mellow with age. 

Often snapping at your kids is just repeating the behavior of your own parents, but even when you are aware you are doing it, it's difficult to stop.

 

 

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4 hours ago, anonguest said:

According to my wife and daughters I, apparently, years ago acquired the ability to let stuff pass through one ear and come out completley undetected from the other. :D

I guess it must help contribute to my generally calm persona. 

These days the things that raise my blood pressure are usually found being read here on HPC!  :D:D:D

that's a bit of a double edged sword if ever there was one!!!.I generally just let stuff flow too,and with some people they really don't get it, that some stuff people get aeriated about in the grand scale of things is really rather trivial.

depending on your other half though, they might be expecting a bit of a fightback, sometimes it's more a sympathy vote and needing someone to bounce off and relieve a bit of stress by  having a conversation with a bit of emotional energy.

could be misconstrued as "I don't give a sh1t anymore",I don't care!!!

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I used to get angry quite a lot, when I was married and worked full time and lived abroad. 

Now I'm divorced, live in the UK (less stress over language etc) and work part time doing a job I like, I rarely get angry. 

So I think partly it's to do with the overall balance of your life. It's hard to just say 'I won't get angry' if there's an undercurrent of anger running through your life. 

Perhaps look at your life overall and try to change things where possible to create more of an overall sense of calmness in your life. 

Also, health is important. Temper flare ups can be linked to poor diet (too much sugar causing mood swings and spikes). Not enough exercise, too much booze, lack of sleep, smoking/vaping  can all cause bad moods; balance is important in the body as well as the mind. 

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21 hours ago, 500dan said:

Specifically, I snap at my son now and then (nothing excessive), but because I'm divorced and don't see him much I end up spending days feeling guilty afterwards with no chance to apologise. 

Anyone got any tips on how to stop anger in the heat of the moment? 

 

That was me soon after my divorce.

My brother called me on it and said something on the lines of 'Why do want them them to like me more than they like you?'

You'll always be his dad but [no offense] you are no longer 'Father'. Think about that and DEAL WITH IT. Get yourself into favourite uncle mode and have fun with him. On access visits, let him decide where to go and what to do because all you (should) care about is spending time with him. 

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3 hours ago, hotairmail said:

Step1 - improve insulin response mechanism and natural mood control

- cut out all sugar

- cut out most drinking (and any illegal drugs, even smoking addiction can be a problem)

- if sedentary work, do more activity and some resistance training to firm muscles

- try and get as much sleep as possible - turn off the telly and gadgets well in advance of going to bed

- eat only food you make from natural ingredients - cut out all those takeaways and stuff

- if overweight, try and lose weight slowly over many months by following the above lifestyle changes. Have periods where you don't eat for 16 hours at a stretch.

I'm fascinated by the above and there all things I'd know I'd like to try harder with personally. Can you recommend any further reading? Or is this just self taught?

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In the heat of the moment is usually too late to do anything. For me it was helpful to spend more time relaxing, whatever suits you, like listening to a music or going to sauna. Beside that just constantly work on your inner dialogue and avoid feeding your internal critic.

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I tend to bundle it up until I can let it all out on Internet forums such as this. The feedback either lets you know you aren't alone in your thinking or it helps you sort out whatever is bothering you. I think a lot of our problems can be resolved with a second perspective on the problem.

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4 hours ago, Bronson said:

I'm fascinated by the above and there all things I'd know I'd like to try harder with personally. Can you recommend any further reading? Or is this just self taught?

I've just picked up things from different websites and books over the years. 

The key thing to remember is balance. The human body and brain is like any other kind of machine, if it gets out of whack it won't run properly. If the body and especially the brain are out of balance then you get mood swings, anger, illness and even death.

Basically any kind of stimulant/drug will cause problems, the main legal ones being alcohol, caffeine, sugar and nicotine. Anything that makes you instantly feel good is probably bad for you! Before I take any kind of stimulant I say to myself 'this will make me feel really good for a short while, but after that I will feel worse than I did before. Do I really want that?' Nine times out of ten that works. 

Too many fast-release carbohydrates are bad for you and can cause mood swings also (white rice, pasta, chips, white bread etc). 

Sleep is also of major importance and it goes hand in hand with lots of fresh air and exercise because you need that to make you feel sleepy. Exercise is about the only 'high' that isn't bad for you. 

A balanced mental outlook on life is also important, you can get this from (moderate) religious or philosophical study. I would recommend as a good starting point the nineteenth century self-help writer Orison Swett Marden's book 'Cheerfulness as a Life Power', free for Amazon kindle. 

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9 hours ago, hotairmail said:

Top post.

 

EDIT: Just a suggestion to add to the above.

 

Step1 - improve insulin response mechanism and natural mood control

- cut out all sugar

- cut out most drinking (and any illegal drugs, even smoking addiction can be a problem)

- if sedentary work, do more activity and some resistance training to firm muscles

- try and get as much sleep as possible - turn off the telly and gadgets well in advance of going to bed

- eat only food you make from natural ingredients - cut out all those takeaways and stuff

- if overweight, try and lose weight slowly over many months by following the above lifestyle changes. Have periods where you don't eat for 16 hours at a stretch.

 

Step 1 will help limit mood swings and regain perspective on your life naturally. You may notices changes almost immediately but they will accumulate and improve slowly for months. You may also find your self esteem is improved and things don't seem as bad even though you haven't made any changes to your life re relationships, work etc. You may also find yourself becoming naturally more productive like planning activities, reading instead of slumping in front of the box etc.

 

Step 2 - take a good cool look at your life

Once Step 1 is firmly established, that is the time to rationally consider what it is about your life may be making you unhappy, or at least ways you could improve it. No rash decisions in the heat of the moment and anger/depression. Just a cool perspective. Only you can do this, although it may be worth bouncing ideas off someone.

 

Nice post. All seems straight-forward but when you're in a rut you can easily lose sight of the basics.

I am currently following a very poor lifestyle & diet due to work pressures and I feel like I am paying a heavy price for it. I find I am typically calm (my nature) at work and in public settings, or in any company for that matter, but if stressed I will flip out in private over the slightest inconvenience or "problem". It usually takes me by complete surprise as I feel perfectly calm before and immediately after. I am always alone in doing this (I'd make sure of it) but still disconcerting nonetheless. This is a sure sign to me of stress building up with no real outlet. This morning I instantly lobbed the iron board across the room as the leg broke on me and I needed to iron a shirt. A massive over-reaction to a minor problem. I've recently thrown a plate in the bin in a rage because the food was a little stubborn in coming off when doing the dishes. I took a hammer to a fridge a couple of months back when the freezer component kept icing up (despite frequent defrosting), smashed it to pieces and was in Curry's an hour later buying another one so the food didn't spoil! Things like slamming doors, kicking anything which is in my way, out of way...the typical manifestations. I am currently taking 600mg of Serotonin every day to attempt to sleep (I know how bad this is) and doing little to no exercise with a poor diet and plenty of booze. So as bad as it gets on paper!

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Always easy happy go lucky anyway but would say even happier after doing the following:

- do not read news, especially political (I appreciate this is not doable if you have vested interests that will effect your life, for 90% this is not the case just give up the moaning)

- exercise lots. exercise lots.  so important i've said it twice - find a good gym or group as you'll find people who want to progress and they will NEVER be negative.

- billions of people worse off than you everyday - think about that.

 - just don't get angry,it's not that difficullt and by doing so you'll find that the thing/person you are angry at will either be angier than you or calm down (though this may take days/weeks or months if female)

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Sometimes I wish I could get more angry myself. I'm quite good at making other people angry, usually by being a insistently stubborn b@stard. Rather than fly off the handle, I just tend to grind things down.

 

 

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12 minutes ago, SillyBilly said:

Nice post. All seems straight-forward but when you're in a rut you can easily lose sight of the basics.

I am currently following a very poor lifestyle & diet due to work pressures and I feel like I am paying a heavy price for it. I find I am typically calm (my nature) at work and in public settings, or in any company for that matter, but if stressed I will flip out in private over the slightest inconvenience or "problem". It usually takes me by complete surprise as I feel perfectly calm before and immediately after. I am always alone in doing this (I'd make sure of it) but still disconcerting nonetheless. This is a sure sign to me of stress building up with no real outlet. This morning I instantly lobbed the iron board across the room as the leg broke on me and I needed to iron a shirt. A massive over-reaction to a minor problem. I've recently thrown a plate in the bin in a rage because the food was a little stubborn in coming off when doing the dishes. I took a hammer to a fridge a couple of months back when the freezer component kept icing up (despite frequent defrosting), smashed it to pieces and was in Curry's an hour later buying another one so the food didn't spoil! Things like slamming doors, kicking anything which is in my way, out of way...the typical manifestations. I am currently taking 600mg of Serotonin every day to attempt to sleep (I know how bad this is) and doing little to no exercise with a poor diet and plenty of booze. So as bad as it gets on paper!

Jeez ... sounds serious mate. take the advice on here - sufficient rest/sleep, diet, exercise (preferably something like smashing pads), rediscover a hobby.

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Smoke a blunt.  It won't stop you getting angry, but it'll help you forget a lot of the stuff you'd get angry about...

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On 6/26/2017 at 1:31 PM, Turned Out Nice Again said:

What does that mean?

'Wait til your father gets home!' no longer applies. Chief disciplinarian is now the mother. Head of household is now the mother. Father has been displaced.

It hurts.

Anger usually has some fear behind it. Why would I snap at my own children but be easy going with my niblings? I think it was because I was scared of losing my children. Hey, let's do something that is most likely to make what I'm afraid of happening happen...Fear can be irrational, as can our actions when fearful.

Once I'd accepted that I was no longer 'Father', I got on with the job of being dad and there was no more anger. Most times I acted like a favourite uncle, once in a while I was a disney dad. We had fun together and our access outings still get talked about. 

 

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20 hours ago, bendy said:

Always easy happy go lucky anyway but would say even happier after doing the following:

- do not read news, especially political (I appreciate this is not doable if you have vested interests that will effect your life, for 90% this is not the case just give up the moaning)

- exercise lots. exercise lots.  so important i've said it twice - find a good gym or group as you'll find people who want to progress and they will NEVER be negative.

- billions of people worse off than you everyday - think about that.

 - just don't get angry,it's not that difficullt and by doing so you'll find that the thing/person you are angry at will either be angier than you or calm down (though this may take days/weeks or months if female)

 

Yeah, fine. Trouble is somebody has to care about sh!t or Grenfells become the norm.

So taking this to the extreme, if everybody was like you, half the population would be walking around contented, the other half burned to a cinder. The contented half would all be standing over graves saying "well, 8 is early to go, but she was always happy, and hopefully the missus hasn't stopped ovulating yet ..."

Happy go lucky sorts never seem to realise that it's the uptight, angry, perfectionist sorts that run around after them, sorting things out, that ultimately allow them to be happy-go-lucky. And it's years of crossing everybody else's "t"s and dotting their "i"s that makes for angry people. It's their anger that allows you to treat life as a game.

And that's before we even begin considering inequalities, disabilities etc.

Just a thought you may wish to consider before smuggly parading your serenity.:D

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9 minutes ago, Sledgehead said:

 

Yeah, fine. Trouble is somebody has to care about sh!t or Grenfells become the norm.

So taking this to the extreme, if everybody was like you, half the population would be walking around contented, the other half burned to a cinder. The contented half would all be standing over graves saying "well, 8 is early to go, but she was always happy, and hopefully the missus hasn't stopped ovulating yet ..."

Happy go lucky sorts never seem to realise that it's the uptight, angry, perfectionist sorts that run around after them, sorting things out, that ultimately allow them to be happy-go-lucky. And it's years of crossing everybody else's "t"s and dotting their "i"s that makes for angry people. It's their anger that allows you to treat life as a game.

And that's before we even begin considering inequalities, disabilities etc.

Just a thought you may wish to consider before smuggly parading your serenity.:D

I've worked extremely hard to achieve this level of smugness thanks:lol:

No one runs around after me either.  Another key to being happy - walk alone or at least have the ability to do so and be very comfortable with your own company.

Oh and be smug.  And exercise, did I mention that already :lol:

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1 hour ago, bendy said:

 Another key to being happy - ... be very comfortable with your own company.

Know what you mean ... fu**** people!

 

 

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1 hour ago, hotairmail said:

Quite often those who lead initiatives have the confidence of ignorance, ...can care quite a lot.

Caring "quite a lot" is fine so long as perfectionists bring up the rear. The alternatives are:

- perjuring yourself at the inquest;

- admitting that you "cared quite a lot, but not enough" to stop someone's daughter having to breathe in 90C air for 60 seconds before their throat and lungs were so cooked they finally gave up the ghost.

'Course, if nothing ever goes wrong, the contented leader gets to swan around in the back of his chauffeur driven limousine and blithely fire technical sorts who "do nothing but pile on costs".

Just look at the press (Bendy has a point when he says "don't" - ignorance is bliss, albeit a little vacuous).

Off the top of my head I see calamities that need never have occurred. You have intimated that these should be considered progress, but all I see is lessons to be learned by the smug, the arrogant and the happy-go-lucky. Many are already suffering from these acts of so-called progress. Many more will follow:

Parliamentary Hacking - we will all suffer because MPs are seen as blackmailable;

Grenfell - people dead and injured, taxes to be increased, and yet hi-rise does not actually result in highest density

Implantable Mesh scandal - lives ruined for what? NHS will fork out millions in comp

Retrofit Cavity Wall Insulation - blighting lives with moulds, damp and colder housing, could be bigger than PPI

Student Loans - now need >£46k pa to start paying down loan. If tax payer funds higher edu, student nums will probably double, making a £26bn pa bill - unaffordable, an all just to make more young people discontented.

I could go on all day. Even if I lacked all empathy for those directly affected, I'd still be wound up by the implied increase in taxes needed to offset this lot.

The fact is that a lot of so called happy-go-lucky, leader sorts behind these tragedies are only happy-go-lucky because they are either docile (unlikely) or are simply getting their own way. And the evidence for the latter is that  so-called "doers" often become very agitated when asked to put more though into a project or scheme.

 

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