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Bloo Loo

The Non Jobs Thread

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what does this person actually do, for £35K and possible job share?

Vibrant, Thriving, Prosperous and Welcoming are the four priorities in our Strategic Plan. Colchester Borough Council is being transformed in the way we interact with our customers and also enabling our commercial ambitions to support the delivery of our strategic priorities, and to achieve our ambition of being less dependent on government grants.

We are looking for a new Business Partner (People & Performance) to join our team. Working alongside Heads of Service and their management teams, you will provide a strategic, value added single point of contact for professional HR and People advice. You will also be responsible for the delivery of people projects and activities across the Council.

We would expect you to be MCIPD qualified or able to demonstrate a positive experience working in a human resources environment with a good up to date knowledge of employment and case law.

You will have the ability to build productive relationships and influence stakeholders and have strong communication skills to enable you to work closely with managers and employees. You will also be required to develop and deliver internal training courses.

You must be extremely customer-focused, with a positive and flexible approach, be organised, with the ability to cope with demanding workloads and timescales. You should be a creative problem solver with a solution focussed attitude.

What we actually want is housing, bins emptied and the street lights working

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HR non-job whose purpose is to soak up a budget and hinder others in doing their own job and hence cause contribute towards the inefficiency of everyone they come into contact with. We have lots of people like this in our company. Mostly we call them managers. All they do though is report upwards and perform some minor admin role whilst impeding everyone. They get paid a lot for it though.

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But did you see the job below it on the web site? Multi-skilled-Void Operative Carpentry-bias. WTF is that?

my guess is a handyman/woman/trans/unsure

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The UK workplace as we know would in good probability vanish through automation or revolt inside 10 to 15 years. It sounds like lots of early to late middle aged people moving air around to keep up appearances.

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Job adverts are getting like estate agent blurb. :huh:

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drug outreach counsellor by the sound of it.

being addicted to government subsidy and trying to wean yourself off was a bit of a clincher IMHO.

open to all applicants regardless of age,sex,gender preference, visual appearance, proclivity to the dark side of the force etc etc.

so just how, precisely do you make the advert to recruit Winston smith???

would be easy in wartime, but we are in a state of angertruce presently,so the words need to be more fluffy.

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hold on frank....it makes a LOT more sense, when you think this is being done as a complete mindf*ck.

it isn't meant to be logical or make sense, that is the point.#

in fact,the more absurd and bizarre it is, the more you are worth, because it is going up on the richter scale of lunacy.

good old (late)john peel on radio one knew the score.

he booked the most insanely bizarre band names and made them into household names.(I did enjoy the john cawshaw/chris moyles skit on this, it was hysterical!)

don't quite know where porcupine tree ended up in this( seriously good band BTW)

Justin trousersnake and hamster speedball did make it though.

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It's not actually a real job - it's a sinecure - some councillor will have a relative lined up for it.

They've clearly got the mayor's girlfriend lined up for this one.

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We had a couple of staff from 'people and performance' recently conduct a 'service review' which basically amounted to us going to a meeting and explaining to them our job descriptions whilst he wrote them out on a paper flip chart. I'm still unsure what the purpose of it was, most of what we told them could have found in our job descriptions.

I suspect they were on about 30k p.a for that role

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Good luck Mr Miyagi, and enjoy your retirement :blink:

P

I think we are okay for a while, besides I fund my salary through the work I do :unsure:

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Reminds me of a job ad my daughter showed me - it was just waffle-speak to me so I asked her what the job actually entailed.

'Driving around in a big car, going to a lot of meetings and talking sh*te.'

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A man I once knew was doing consultancy work for the NHS. He explained it thus. 'I am commissioned to report on a hospital department. I visit it and talk to all the staff. They explain what they do and tell me how their department could be improved. I put this all in a report phrased in a way the management expect. I get very well paid. I have a business because they are too stupid to talk to their own staff.'

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I wonder how they quantify their 4 strategic values? Great stuff :D:D:D

A man I once knew was doing consultancy work for the NHS. He explained it thus. 'I am commissioned to report on a hospital department. I visit it and talk to all the staff. They explain what they do and tell me how their department could be improved. I put this all in a report phrased in a way the management expect. I get very well paid. I have a business because they are too stupid to talk to their own staff.'

That's a lot like my job except they then go on to pretty much ignore the report at the end too.

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