Jump to content
House Price Crash Forum

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest

Lost Motivation For Hobby After Bereavement

Recommended Posts

Guest

I'm hoping someone on here has been in a similar boat and can steer me toward a resolution...

For a few years (2006 to 2011) I was heavily into cycling - road, MTB, touring, sportives. I rediscovered this new passion through my "father in law" (I use the speech marks as not strictly an in law, but you get the gist). We shared an interest in watching cycling, taking part together, etc etc.

Then in 2011 three things happened.... I had my first ever seizure whilst cycling (ended up in hospital). A couple of months later I had a bad crash whilst cycling and had 2 months of work with fractures and concussion (no seizure involved). Then two days after my crash my father in law committed suicide. He had recently broken his leg and got very depressed at the thought of never cycling ... I think my crash somehow tipped him over the edge.

Since then I have barely cycled .... I think I want to, but maybe I am forcing myself to? I wonder whether to sell my old bike (very expensive one, but has emotional baggage) and buy a new one and start afresh. Or give up cycling? Or buy a second bike?

I don't know ... my head spins at the possibilities...

I'm sure a counsellor would help (have used one before) but I'm a bit skint at the moment and might not have a job by xmas.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest eight

Very sad. I suppose it's not too trite to suggest just taking it down to the end of the road and back and seeing how you feel? Rather than going out "cycling" as it were?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I believe it was the companionship you liked, and not a bicycle. :(

You should keep the bike, BTW. You can't sell memories. And maybe use it?

Mind you, I have bought cars like "Christine". :blink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Seizure? If you're prone to that, should you be in charge of any vehicle moving faster than walking (or at most running) pace? Or do you mean something you get ample warning of and can stop safely?

Some things that might help with motivation:

  1. Goals. Get a job about 5-10 miles from home (or a home 5-10 miles from work) and you have an unarguable reason to ride.
  2. Friends. Join the local branch of the CTC and go on their Sunday rides. Or even a competitive club if you're that way inclined.
  3. Rides. Identify some regular short rides locally that take you off-road with some peace-and-quiet, and if available in your area a breath of cleanish air and a hint of what passes for nature.

In my experience, the first of those is far-and-away the strongest. The second may seem daunting from where you are now, but worth thinking about. The third is always worth it, even if you only very occasionally motivate yourself to get out there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In my experience, the first of those is far-and-away the strongest.

I used to work in the Saltmines of Martlesham and lived in Ipswich. About 7 miles, which was all pretty much off road along a nice flattish woodland path. It almost made it pleasant to go into work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It is difficult to know - we all respond in different ways.

But it was a few years ago - It could be that you have been suffering from the loss and your thinking about it (this post, say) is you coming out the other side.

Alternatively, it could be that you're suffering for a different reason (work, stress, whatever), and you're doing a kind of transference where you're focussing on the bereavement as the problem but where it lies elsewhere.

Whatever, it doesn't actually solve the problem to keep dwelling on it (even though it will be inevitable).

I'd suggest doing something with a structure - if you feel like cycling then the CTC Sunday rides would be good. Or join a running club if you're not up to cycling.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I used to work in the Saltmines of Martlesham and lived in Ipswich. About 7 miles, which was all pretty much off road along a nice flattish woodland path. It almost made it pleasant to go into work.

Sounds almost like you had folded (3) into (1) on my little list. I've kind-of done that once or twice, though the off-road routes have been harder work with serious hills.

How does a path through the woods work in winter when it's dark?

[edit] From the map, one might think the distance was half what you said. I'd try and make that a walk rather than a ride.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest eight

I used to work in the Saltmines of Martlesham

Was this during a brief spell as a character in a Dickens novel?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sure a counsellor would help (have used one before) but I'm a bit skint at the moment and might not have a job by xmas.

See if you can self-refer to support services for bereavement. (We have healthy minds scheme which means you don't need to see a GP https://www.penninecare.nhs.uk/your-services/service-directory/oldham/mental-health/adults/oldham-healthy-minds/ )

Accidents and pain with bereavement mixed in are a heady bunch of downers.

I could suggest things like doing a sponsored cycle ride but I think you need counselling help first.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It is difficult to know - we all respond in different ways.

But it was a few years ago - It could be that you have been suffering from the loss and your thinking about it (this post, say) is you coming out the other side.

Alternatively, it could be that you're suffering for a different reason (work, stress, whatever), and you're doing a kind of transference where you're focussing on the bereavement as the problem but where it lies elsewhere.

Whatever, it doesn't actually solve the problem to keep dwelling on it (even though it will be inevitable).

I'd suggest doing something with a structure - if you feel like cycling then the CTC Sunday rides would be good. Or join a running club if you're not up to cycling.

I think you're onto something there.

My personal suggestion would be to try meditation for a bit, it doesn't take long to get to a level where you can see some serious benefits - as quick as a week for some people.

Once you're in a meditative state, you can focus on any specific events that trouble you, and really try to feel that whole situation again, by completely immersing yourself in it. What you tend to find is that your real feelings / worries are quite different to what you thought they were, and they tend to reveal themselves during this process. Once you've got a good idea what the real feelings are, it's much easier to decide how to proceed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've had a similar experience going off cycling, nothing like the circumstances around yours but might be useful. I'd commuted to work by bike for years, and decided to do the Etape in 2007. So 2005/6 was severe training - I was doing about 300 miles a week, spending hours on the bike. I did the Dunwich Dynamo and rode home afterwards (113 miles each way) .... twice. I rode from London to Shropshire to see some friends on Saturday night (144 miles each way), I did the same to see friends in Leicestershire fairly regularly. Got myself a very good bike (Serotta) and was commuting on a fixed Litespeed Blade (don't ask...).

Did the Etape, came 900 and something-th, missed a silver medal, resolved to do it again next year and get a damn silver ... and didn't ride long distance again. I moved house, found different interests, work changed location and commuting became a bit harder. I did some commuting in 2012 and enjoyed it. Did the Palace to Palace this year with a load of work mates, and quite enjoyed that.

My advice? Find someone to go cycling with and a reason to go cycling. Don't get hung up on the bike, that is just a piece of metal.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why would you want to continue an activity that injured you (the seizure, the accident)?

Do you have a history of "passions" that become obsessions? Your FIL committing suicide because of a broken leg and being unable to cycle sounds like some sort of warning that this was an unhealthy hobby.

Does your life seem empty without cycling or having an obsessive hobby that consumes you?

If I was in your position I would take a look at the rest of my life and see if there is something else that you are not addressing.

Hope this helps in some way. Sorry if it sounds harsh.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you are thinking of buying a new bike get some cognitive therapy instead. Another alternative is to have a trip with the guys to a velodrome. Cycling in a different set of circumstances altogether.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you're onto something there.

My personal suggestion would be to try meditation for a bit, it doesn't take long to get to a level where you can see some serious benefits - as quick as a week for some people.

Once you're in a meditative state, you can focus on any specific events that trouble you, and really try to feel that whole situation again, by completely immersing yourself in it. What you tend to find is that your real feelings / worries are quite different to what you thought they were, and they tend to reveal themselves during this process. Once you've got a good idea what the real feelings are, it's much easier to decide how to proceed.

Good suggestion IMO.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I had a stroke which was followed by a seizure five months later.

After the stroke I told the doctor "something is not right" as proved to be the case. After the seizure I felt normal again. (a seizure is caused by electrical activity in the brain)

So I had ONE seizure two years ago and rode a bicycle (slowly!)

TWO seizures and I`d never ride again.

In your case it sounds like you`re scot free.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear about this.

Guilt is the worst companion of grief and you clearly have this in buckets and spades - both for the loss of your father-in-law and for your own general health.

Firstly, what happened to your friend - your father-in-law - was not your fault. He did what he did for his own reasons. I know it is easier said that done but don't beat yourself up about it. Alas, you probably are going to beat yourself up about it for some time to come so, each and every time that you find yourself thinking negative thoughts in this way, you HAVE to stop and tell yourself verbally that it was not your fault.

This is important - VERY important - in helping you to get over the guilt feelings that you clearly feel by rewiring your brain to actually realise that it was not your fault. It sounds a bit crazy saying it like that but, believe me, it actually works. It will take time though.

So everytime you feel yourself thinking negatively I want you to say "Don't beat yourself up! It was not your fault!" - it will take time but it will help and begin to work.

I can't recall how much I have bored this forum with my own health problems - and this is not the place now to talk about me as this is about you - but I will just briefly say that I had several really cr*p things all happen to me at the same time and I simply fell over mentally and physically.

A big part of what was awful for me was enormous and frequent panic attacks - terrible heart-attack like chest pains, throat narrowing and unable to breathe, sweating profusively, hyperventilation and unable to speak. The panic attacks were occur any time any place and I often found myself hospitalised. It is an awful thing as you feel that your body has betrayed you when, in truth, it is your own subconcious that is actually trying to protect you from harm.

The subconcious mind is enormously more powerful than the concious mind. It controls the body and, when the subconcious mind thinks that there is physical danger near, it brings on panic attacks, seizures, fight or flight, etc. I have no doubt that a big part of what is stopping you now is the fear of having another seizure... of having another accident... whislt out. That is coming from your subconcious mind trying to protect you.

I ended up unable to go out as my breathing made it impossible for me to walk far and I would get panic attacks in the most random of places. It stopped me driving my car. Stopped me cycling. Stopped me living my life normally and doing all the hobbies and pastimes that I loved.

I mention this as a bike played a major part in getting me back out - I would go out with my bike for a short walk of just a few feet from my front door, then turn around and walk back. Sometimes I would then go a bit further then next day. Sometimes I would have a panic attack and be unable to go out for several days. But the bike helped as it gave me something solid to hold onto - I gripped the handlebars with a vice-like grip. It also helped because if I started to have a panic attack when out and about instead of just standing there looking like a numpty I could pretend to be fixing a non-existent problem on my bike whilst, inside, I was collapsing mentally.

Everytime I went out I was fearful of collapsing. Most of all, I was afraid of collapsing and causing a scene - very British. I was also afraid of collapsing and people walking by and not caring. Had quite a few of the latter when I was really ill. Have those feelings of fear disappeared years later - nope. I wish I could say that they have gone completely but, in truth, they never will. As, most likely, your fear of having another seizure probably will not go.

But you can - through exercise, positive reaffirmation to help rewire your sunbconcious, meditation, etc, etc, - turn all this negativity around and begin to get well.

You mention your bike now holding a lot of emotional baggage for you as it has memories of your time with your father-in-law. Well, you have two options here - firstly, you could get rid of the bike if it is weighing that heavily upon you. Start afresh, but make a BIG thing of getting rid of it and buying a new one as part of the starting afresh process. Build up to getting it rid of it as the closing of one chapter of your life and how a new bike will allow you to start a fresh new chapter of happines in your life. Talk about it to yourself in these terms. Say it out loud. Do it daily for days and weeks before you get rid of the bike and prior to buying a new one.

Or, how about trying this first, keep the bike and turn the negativity that you now have around it into a positive?

Make the bike a memory of all the good times that you have had out on it. Make the bike a memory of all the good times that you have been out with your father-in-law. Go and talk to the bike. Yes, go and talk to it. Do this when you are alone and at a time of your choosing. Go and tell the bike of all lthe happy, wonderful times that you have had out on it. Tell it about the wonderful memories of various cycle rides that you have done together. Tell it about the times you have cleaned it, oiled it, repaired it and dinged it. Tell it about all the wonderful, happy times that you had with your father-in-law. Tell it about how it made you happy having those experiences. How it made you happy having those experiences with your father-in-law. How you both had many happy times together when you were riding your bike. Talk about those times. Laugh, smile, rejoice, remember.

It may sound ridiculous I know. But, believe me, it will help you.

I won't write any more now just in case I am barking up the wrong tree. I don't want to cause you any more negativity or grief. If this is helping let me know and I will write some more. If it sounds b*ll*x also let me know - I won't be offended. What works for one person might not work for someone else.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You enjoyed cycling. Your father in law enjoyed cycling. Cycling is good for the body and more importantly the mind.

What are you waiting for ? Get your bike out, lube it up and check the tires - and go find a hill with a nice view at the top and climb it. You will feel better at the top.

Then take a PIC and post it for us to see.

Best of luck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You enjoyed cycling. Your father in law enjoyed cycling. Cycling is good for the body and more importantly the mind.

What are you waiting for ? Get your bike out, lube it up and check the tires - and go find a hill with a nice view at the top and climb it. You will feel better at the top.

Then take a PIC and post it for us to see.

Best of luck.

Or you could do what he said :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Off the top of my head, might be completely wrong.....you agree that cycling once made you feel good, you were very close to your fil who had a cycling accident and committed suicide which must have been very traumatic for you....I feel you are relating your injury to the depresive feelings you are having at the moment and linking that to your fil as a comparison.... When you can sort out the negative state of mind connected to your health, work and the death I am sure you will once again find great pleasure in the sport of your choice.....meditation and mindfulness will help you to feel more in control of your life and and feelings.....I wish you well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I might try cycling! I might try the extravagance of "two wheels". :wacko:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I lost motivation for a lot of things. Some comes back some doesn't because things aren't the same. Taken me 2 years+ to start jogging again. Used to swim daily but haven't been in that time. I don't know why as she had nothing to do with that. My bike's also been sitting unused - a year to progress from the shed to the kitchen to the bottom of the stairs as a 'motivator'. I blame it on needing a decent floor pump. That's obviously not the reason. Reminders, locations, lack of oomph who knows. If I was you I'd focus less on the hobby and more on rediscovering a hobby companion or what risk you're honestly comfortable putting yourself body through. You may just be scared of cycling.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Buying a new bike is never a bad idea. It might help you turn a corner - particularly if you check out the discussion forums, mags etc while deciding. Your local bike shop might well organise some rides, or failing that check out Facebook. Planning for the future and being outside is always a good mood lifter.

I had a couple of bad falls, and injuries while out running in my late 30s. Spent six weeks walking around the local park before progressing to barefoot running on grass. A new pair of trainers were sat on the shelf waiting for me.

If you are ever in North Wales and fancy a mtb ride in the mountains, drop me a line. I'm a moderate rider, and scared of heights - but will happily adjust down to a slower pace if you just want to chill in the hills or pootle along a cycle way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Time is a great healer, don't force the issue just use your instinct you'll be ready when your ready.

If you're ever in the South Wales Valleys your more than welcome to come riding with me, although you'll probably need knee pads and a full face helmet.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

[edit] From the map, one might think the distance was half what you said. I'd try and make that a walk rather than a ride.

ahh could be.

This is the route I would take. I lived on Warrington Road but Christchurch park was closed in the morning so I would skirt round the N. end then Rushmere Golf Club then along a path that went between the Heath and a housing estate to BT Labs (aka the Saltmine). I had some good lights for the track and at BT you could leave at 5pm so never too dark.

Anyway it was free exercise and took about the same time as the car journey.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • The Prime Minister stated that there were three Brexit options available to the UK:   59 members have voted

    1. 1. Which of the Prime Minister's options would you choose?


      • Leave with the negotiated deal
      • Remain
      • Leave with no deal

    Please sign in or register to vote in this poll. View topic


×

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.