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My Boyfriend 'sort-Of' Raped Me. But I Didn't Break Up With Him

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http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/mar/05/my-boyfriend-sort-of-raped-me-and-i-didnt-even-break-up-with-him

This is not my story of rape. But it is a story with rape-ish qualities.

The man and I had been fighting. We fought and then we made love, and as we did he said, “I want to come inside of you.” This was not dirty talk – it was a proposal. I told him not to, I didn’t want him to.

When he finished he said, “I did it, I came inside of you!” Then added, “****** you” sticking his middle finger up at me. His face, pink with a slick of sweat, was full of fury and glee.

I don’t know how to write what happened next without sounding pathetic. All I will say is that it was an automatic reaction. It came on without consideration. I burst into tears. I ran into the shower, crying and said over and over again, “get it out of me”.

That’s the most violent bit of the story. I call what he did “rape-like”. He called it “pushing my boundaries”. You say tomato, I say sexual assault.

Everything else is messy. I didn’t even break up with him afterwards. Even though we’d only been dating for a couple of months and fought all the time. He drank a bottle of wine a day, talked about how much he loved my vagina in public, and was plagued with mental ghosts that tortured him but, apparently, also bestowed him the ability to change people’s energies.

None of that bothered me. I have a high tolerance for weirdness. He was under my skin. It was intoxicating to feel like a pinch of salt dissolved in his black, turbulent seas.

Eventually, he broke up with me. He resented how I reacted to his “boundary pushing” – said it made him feel like a rapist. And held up the fact I didn’t want him to come inside of me (I wasn’t on the pill) as evidence I didn’t really love him.

The trauma of being sort-of raped evaporated fairly quickly. I don’t feel like what happened was rape, or that I’m a rape victim. On the scale of sexual assault this incident, for me, lies halfway between a stolen kiss on the cheek and a full-blown rape. They are all different kinds of assault, but connected.

Isn't this now classed as rape as consent wasn't given for the final act? It's hard to start even commenting on this especially as the unprotected sex bit is just glossed over, luckily men don't "leak" during sex.

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TBH I'd say her then boyfriend was a complete arsehole, and her reaction at the time was understandable; her attitude since highly commendable.

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TBH I'd say her then boyfriend was a complete arsehole, and her reaction at the time was understandable; her attitude since highly commendable.

I'll add she sounds batsh!t crazy. They deserve each other

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Didnt break up. Why.

because it wasn't rape and she knows it. She's just feeling sorry for herself because he didn't do exactly as she said and he subsequently dumped her. It's a boo hoo look at me piece. should be on mumsnet (but it's the next best thing - the Guardian)

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And his side of the story?

This is always going to be the problem. Sexual activity tends to be a private affair and its always going to be one word against another.

Either break up with him if your'e not happy with such behaviour or find it unacceptable, stay with him if you are. Whats to discuss?

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The man and I had been fighting. We fought and then we made love, and as we did he said, “I want to come inside of you.” This was not dirty talk – it was a proposal. I told him not to, I didn’t want him to.

When he finished he said, “I did it, I came inside of you!” Then added, “****** you” sticking his middle finger up at me. His face, pink with a slick of sweat, was full of fury and glee.

I don’t know how to write what happened next without sounding pathetic. All I will say is that it was an automatic reaction. It came on without consideration. I burst into tears. I ran into the shower, crying and said over and over again, “get it out of me”.

One act, two perceptions

She wanted 'make up sex'

He wanted a 'hate f@uk'

end of story

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Not rape.

There were no pre insertion conditions.

There was no demand to withdraw....she just didnt want him to finish inside her.

Ejaculating is an aggravating circumstance in sentencing in a rape case. It is not a condition for offence of rape, quite rightly as rape these days can be carried out by females, transgenders, and fingers.

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Exactly Bloo. She's not been raped and has written an article to say as much.

She has however been badly treated by an arsehole.

I think it's to her credit that she's written an article on the Guardian website saying that not every sexual encounter which made someone unhappy or uncomfortable is rape. To me that runs counter to the generally misandrist atmosphere on the Graun website and the wider liberal commentsphere.

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Quite right, pauloakes and Rave. Any woman would be right to be seriously annoyed and upset under similar circumstances. It's disrespectful and abusive.

Feel quite bad for the author of the article, and hope it hasn't coloured her view of men in general.

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Quite right, pauloakes and Rave. Any woman would be right to be seriously annoyed and upset under similar circumstances. It's disrespectful and abusive.

Feel quite bad for the author of the article, and hope it hasn't coloured her view of men in general.

It sounds like she's got a thing for loonies.

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The drunker I get, the more I come round to the idea that she would have been well within her rights to cut his balls off with a bread knife.

Edit: and I say that as a man who has ended up in several sexual situations which I didn't want to be in thanks to female coercion.

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The drunker I get, the more I come round to the idea that she would have been well within her rights to cut his balls off with a bread knife.

Edit: and I say that as a man who has ended up in several sexual situations which I didn't want to be in thanks to female coercion.

Get a clue Lancelot. She. Loved. It.

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It sounds like she's got a thing for loonies.

Yeah, I'd agree with that. Some seemingly quite sane people go for "weird" or "complex" people. Fair enough, but you can't be too surprised when they show worrying behaviours. Doesn't mean it's right for the person to behave that way. Someone talking loudly about my genitals in public would be warning signals to back away personally. I think she was lucky to get dumped in the end.

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Reaching "the crescendo" is not the only way to get pregnant. Even an unconcluded experience can still result in a birth. Hopefully always welcome and cherished. :)

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The drunker I get, the more I come round to the idea that she would have been well within her rights to cut his balls off with a bread knife.

Edit: and I say that as a man who has ended up in several sexual situations which I didn't want to be in thanks to female coercion.

You lucky, lucky bas!ard ;)

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