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Frank Hovis

People Ignore Domestic Violence

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Well yes.

The stories of people intervening and finding themselves being attacked by both of the couple are legion.

And I will never understand why people tolerate it. I have been threatened precisely once in my life and went straight to the police; no courage required.

Anyway, we are meant to be shocked by the following "study"; people behaving rationally IMO. Leave them to it, walking away is always an option. A girl I know was mistreated by her "boyfriend"; I helped her move out. Then she was seeing him again. You really cannot help some people; I no longer respond to her texts or emails.

  • THLM Panda carried out 'social experiment' in elevator in Sweden
  • Actors played out a domestic abuse scene to see who speaks up
  • Only one in 53 people witnessing the violence interfere
  • Sweden has high rate of harassment cases compared to EU average
  • 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in the UK will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2832893/Would-intervene-saw-domestic-abuse-street-Shocking-social-experiment-shows-just-2-speak-up.html

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I feel emotionally abused :(

Yeah that's how I felt those few times I looked at the DM web siteshite, so I get what you mean. :)

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It also says one in six men suffer domestic abuse (which is hard to believe admittedly but assuming it's true), this is just as much of a problem in an egalitarian society. If they reverse the genders does anyone intervene? How many smile or give tacit support to the "abuser"?

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It also says one in six men suffer domestic abuse (which is hard to believe admittedly but assuming it's true), this is just as much of a problem in an egalitarian society. If they reverse the genders does anyone intervene? How many smile or give tacit support to the "abuser"?

No doubt one of those loaded surveys with questions like "has a partner ever grabbed your arm", answer yes and you are in the 1 in 4 camp. The goal is to highlight a serious issue, when what actually happens is you reduce the seriousness of the actual problems, same has happened IMO with sexual offences, when you lump all the less serious stuff in the mix the net result is everything becomes watered down.

I'm not dismissing abuse, I have no doubt it happens.

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Is there any other news outlet?

It's an interesting mystery! No DM page has ever been visited directly - only via forum post links - so the question is, how can there be no original direct hits?!?!?

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It also says one in six men suffer domestic abuse (which is hard to believe admittedly but assuming it's true), this is just as much of a problem in an egalitarian society. If they reverse the genders does anyone intervene? How many smile or give tacit support to the "abuser"?

Knew a bloke who was a domestic violence victim.

He lived with a woman who had killed her first husband by planting him on to the wardrobe door with a kitchen knife - probably 20 years ago.

She drank and didn't leave the house. About 60-70 yrs old the pair of them.

He fetched her booze and took abuse.

Spoke to the police for him who confirmed his findings that there are no suitable places for 70 yr old blokes to go to get away from DV.

Got him the housing forms to be rehoused, but he chose to stay.

BUT I did tell him after he chose to stay that I didn't want to hear his sob stories about her being vile to him anymore. I'd done what I could and it was emotionally draining to listen to someone bleat on and on.

Am I cold and callous for not being more sympathetic?

As it happens the old lady died earlier this year and the bloke was rehoused by social services.

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As I've mentioned before on here I once intervened in the street when I thought a teenage schoolkid was threatening his girlfriend. I reluctantly walked away when he said it was banter and she didn't ask me to help her. I'm still slightly troubled by it to this day.

On the other hand I suspect domestic violence probably isn't as prevalent as all this 1 in 4 / 1 in 6 business makes out. My wife can be aggressive when she's properly drunk...but she's by no means a heavy drinker and I've always been much stronger than her. Our worst fallout episode ended in her (more or less unprovoked) tipping a glass of wine in my dinner, and scratching me. I then in my utter fury rubbed the ruined dinner in her face.

Disgraceful behaviour on both sides, but domestic violence? Hardly. We're still married many years later, and we still have shouting matches from time to time. She's not scared of me and I'm not scared of her. That night she went to bed and I slept on the sofa, and we reconciled in the morning. But god knows what would have happened if some well meaning person had overheard our spat and called the police. I wouldn't have blamed them. Life's a complicated business.

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As I've mentioned before on here I once intervened in the street when I thought a teenage schoolkid was threatening his girlfriend. I reluctantly walked away when he said it was banter and she didn't ask me to help her. I'm still slightly troubled by it to this day.

On the other hand I suspect domestic violence probably isn't as prevalent as all this 1 in 4 / 1 in 6 business makes out. My wife can be aggressive when she's properly drunk...but she's by no means a heavy drinker and I've always been much stronger than her. Our worst fallout episode ended in her (more or less unprovoked) tipping a glass of wine in my dinner, and scratching me. I then in my utter fury rubbed the ruined dinner in her face.

Disgraceful behaviour on both sides, but domestic violence? Hardly. We're still married many years later, and we still have shouting matches from time to time. She's not scared of me and I'm not scared of her. That night she went to bed and I slept on the sofa, and we reconciled in the morning. But god knows what would have happened if some well meaning person had overheard our spat and called the police. I wouldn't have blamed them. Life's a complicated business.

I remember that and you shouldn't be. On balance you did the right thing.

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On the other hand I suspect domestic violence probably isn't as prevalent as all this 1 in 4 / 1 in 6 business makes out. My wife can be aggressive when she's properly drunk...but she's by no means a heavy drinker and I've always been much stronger than her. Our worst fallout episode ended in her (more or less unprovoked) tipping a glass of wine in my dinner, and scratching me. I then in my utter fury rubbed the ruined dinner in her face.

Yeah that sounds like a domestic.

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As I've mentioned before on here I once intervened in the street when I thought a teenage schoolkid was threatening his girlfriend. I reluctantly walked away when he said it was banter and she didn't ask me to help her. I'm still slightly troubled by it to this day.

On the other hand I suspect domestic violence probably isn't as prevalent as all this 1 in 4 / 1 in 6 business makes out. My wife can be aggressive when she's properly drunk...but she's by no means a heavy drinker and I've always been much stronger than her. Our worst fallout episode ended in her (more or less unprovoked) tipping a glass of wine in my dinner, and scratching me. I then in my utter fury rubbed the ruined dinner in her face.

Disgraceful behaviour on both sides, but domestic violence? Hardly. We're still married many years later, and we still have shouting matches from time to time. She's not scared of me and I'm not scared of her. That night she went to bed and I slept on the sofa, and we reconciled in the morning. But god knows what would have happened if some well meaning person had overheard our spat and called the police. I wouldn't have blamed them. Life's a complicated business.

What was the dinner? Did you eat it afterwards?

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It was spaghetti bolognese, which she'd made and left for me as I was working a late shift. TBH I was probably more annoyed about losing my glass of wine...

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I guess there are many reasons why people don't leave. The abuse can slowly escalate over time. Sometimes there are children, or even mortgages to worry about - and either party may rationalise that the change maybe worse than staying.

My wife has her moments, but over the years she has calmed down considerably and is a lot more self aware. Plus I've got better at spotting the signs, and then quietly retiring to the man cave/going for a walk.

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Knew a bloke who was a domestic violence victim.

He lived with a woman who had killed her first husband by planting him on to the wardrobe door with a kitchen knife - probably 20 years ago.

She drank and didn't leave the house. About 60-70 yrs old the pair of them.

He fetched her booze and took abuse.

Spoke to the police for him who confirmed his findings that there are no suitable places for 70 yr old blokes to go to get away from DV.

Got him the housing forms to be rehoused, but he chose to stay.

BUT I did tell him after he chose to stay that I didn't want to hear his sob stories about her being vile to him anymore. I'd done what I could and it was emotionally draining to listen to someone bleat on and on.

Am I cold and callous for not being more sympathetic?

As it happens the old lady died earlier this year and the bloke was rehoused by social services.

No you are not, I have done the same in the past.

I'm more than happy to be a sympathetic ear, on multiple occasions in needed, but when there is clearly something that can be done and more specifically the person is aware of that fact and they don't do it then you can feel justified in telling them not to discuss it with you any longer.

Obviously you don't do that initially but there is certainly a point where enough is enough.

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No, sounds like the typical lumps and bumps in the path of a smooth life that we all need to learn to live with.

BRITISHinformal
a violent quarrel between family members, especially a couple.
"they are often called to sort out a domestic"

Unfortunately the law would look on it as assault.

In common law, assault is the act of creating apprehension of an imminent harmful or offensive contact with a person.

A hug can be assault.

A scratched arm is for sure.

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I guess there are many reasons why people don't leave. The abuse can slowly escalate over time. Sometimes there are children, or even mortgages to worry about - and either party may rationalise that the change maybe worse than staying.

My wife has her moments, but over the years she has calmed down considerably and is a lot more self aware. Plus I've got better at spotting the signs, and then quietly retiring to the man cave/going for a walk.

A man needs a shed! It is a temple. :blink:

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