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Bear Goggles

Boris In Shock Housing U-Turn (Satire)

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It's strange when satire so accurately demonstrates how far out of touch our political consensus is to the interests of the many, and how representing interests of the few has become completely accepted as the unquestioned norm.


In a radical u-turn on London housing policy, mayor Boris Johnson outlined plans that have been described as an attack on business and landlords, sending the City into disarray this afternoon. Describing the state of London’s housing market as anarchy, Boris said “it’s time to put the social back into housing” during a closing speech at MIPIM, the world’s leading property fair, being held in London Olympia this week. Boris was met with disbelief followed by heckling from an audience of developers, speculators and bankers normally favourable to the Mayor.

Boris announced “I can no longer stand to watch the residents of London bowing down with broken backs before the spectre of a housing crisis.”

A swathe of policies were uncovered in the speech, with plans for their introduction before elections next year. “This city needs first of all a cap on market rents at affordable levels with proper regulation of private and social landlords. This must be followed up by a progressive property tax, particularly of multiple home ownership, in order to pay for the construction of more council housing.” The mayor called for “the work of landlording to be a job like any other, not as a means to perpetuate vast inequality” and demanded that “adequate housing is a basic right”.

David Cameron responded to the speech saying “Nothing in it represents Conservative policy or Conservative values.” A statement released from the offices of the Labour Party revealed similar levels of shock: “This amounts to a policy aimed at equality and the organisation of society along the lines of need and means over the concerns of profit; something the Labour Party does not at this point in time condone.”

Protestors who attempted to shut down the conference earlier in the week are also in disbelief. Maggie Hines is a private renter working in Central London. Welcoming the speech she said “Everyone knows the high cost of housing benefits the rich. Activist pressure has forced this change in direction from those in power.” Boris responded to the ensuing barrage of criticism and disbelief, tweeting earlier, “who would have thought there is a circle, not a straight line, between left and right.” Ken Livingston posted a selfie earlier today wearing a beret and smoking a Cuban cigar using the hashtag #homesnotjails.

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