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If You Were To Appear On Location Location Location What Would You Say?

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If you were to appear on Location Location Location what would you say?

Just to clarify, I'm not going to appear on LLL. I thought we needed a more light-hearted thread given all the doom and gloom news we've had of late.

So here it is - let me set the scene...

You've applied to appear on LLL and, after some minimal vetting, you're shocked to discover that the anti-Christ herself and her faithful gimp want to 'help' you find and buy a house.

The gruesome twosome are expecting the typical house hunter that appears on the show - i.e. more (borrowed) money than sense - and are in for a shock. However, what would you plan to say?

If you come out with things akin to the following then your episode will never get on the telly:

[After advice from Phil to Buy Buy Buy the shithole he has just dragged you along to view]. "Phil, didn't your property finding company go bust in 2009 and you declared yourself bankrupt - as if I'm going to pay any attention to your advice."

"400k for a Basement flat down Brixton is a 'canny investment? Are you having a ****ing laugh you blue-suited tit?"

"If you think it's such a bargain then you buy it you heifer."

[After Kirsty offers to negotiate on your behalf]. "No thanks Krusty... sorry Kirsty... I've seen you try to negotiate on previous episodes of this show. I tell you what, give the phone to the grownup and, make yourself useful, get me a pint and some dry roasted from the bar."

You have to be a bit more subtle, such as:

[Krusty's gimp has just shown you round a house for sale over your budget you specified]. "Thanks Phil mate, but I only earn 25k a year and I would need a 125k mortgage to buy that house, that's five times more than my annual income. Do you really think I can afford it?"

[Krusty the Clown tries to convince you that she's got you a great deal with a 5k discount on a 300k house]. "Thanks Kirsty, but according to Hometrack the percentage of the asking price achieved for house sales is currently 95% on average - for a 300k house that equates to a 15k discount. So with your legendary negotiating skills I'm sure you can do much better than 5k."

What other things can you say on LLL that would get the HPC message across, still get on the telly and not offend the two imbeciles (too much)?

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Nothing contraversial would get aired.

Going through with it all right up until the end so that K&P have to sit in bar saying "well the FTBers were scared of spending 300k on something that wasn't quite their dream home..."

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Nothing contraversial would get aired.

Going through with it all right up until the end so that K&P have to sit in bar saying "well the FTBers were scared of spending 300k on something that wasn't quite their dream home..."

I would just keep asking 'what is the average wage around here? How will anyone be able to afford to buy this off me if I need to move *punches a calculator* 'That's 8x wages! They would be spending 60% of their money every day on a mortgage! Only an idiot would do that!'. That should wind them up a lot without giving a reason to cut you completely....

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If you were to appear on Location Location Location what would you say? ..........................................

...wakey..wakey campers ...keep renting your chalets...don't buy...this is not the time..... :rolleyes:

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Fake ignorance and ask them to find me a family home from a list of 10 towns in my area (E. Berks / Surrey / N. Hampshire) within reach of both Mr FTB and my workplaces near a good school with min 3 beds and a garden for max budget £220k. No shared ownership or HTB. Then eagerly wait... After all, they will have lots of places to choose from... :lol:

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Fake ignorance and ask them to find me a family home from a list of 10 towns in my area (E. Berks / Surrey / N. Hampshire) within reach of both Mr FTB and my workplaces near a good school with min 3 beds and a garden for max budget £220k. No shared ownership or HTB. Then eagerly wait... After all, they will have lots of places to choose from... :lol:

They'd probably just point you towards buying an investment property in Arbroath in order to'catch up' with the SE property market

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I'd have them show me what a 275k budget would buy in London, then invite si1 over to try out that bed with Kirstie, assuming she makes it up the stairs (I would have left the house at this point!).

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Edited by You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet

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or something in this direction ...

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I would say something like: F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ... F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...

or something in this direction ...

And I would watch that show! :P

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Kirsty & Phil: I want a small freehold house but I only have a budget of £60k. And no, I don't fancy one in Workington.

Good luck with that one!

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I would say something like: F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ... F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...F..k you, you f.. ing c..ts. I will cut off your d.gs and sh.t on your graves ...

or something in this direction ...

That episode's already been done; the mother in law got involved and BOMAD helped them secure a hard bargained £350k terraced house doer-upper in Portsmouth at 105% of the asking price on a 35 year mortgage thru northern rock. The elderly buyers looked delighted although the bloke did appear to have his balls in a vice.

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