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DTMark

Unbelievably Crap Things

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I say unbelievably, because they're the sort of things that you fall for more than just once, as if, the first time, you think it must have been a one-off. It "must be you".

I'm talking about things that purport to be far more than they actually are. It's all in the marketing perhaps.

Some examples:

Carte d'Or ice cream

Looks rather posh. Nicely presented. But utterly horrible. The ice cream, if it is that, hardly tastes of anything like vanilla. More like skimmed milk, and that's a compliment. You end up scooping up the meagre selection of coulis with a small helping of the milky-white substance (stop giggling at the back) that surrounds it, and then leaving most of the tub. You think "I won't buy this again." And yet, it somehow happens.

Thornton's chocolate

How the hell this outfit keeps going beats me. It's worse than Cadbury's, and that's going some. Hard, flavourless, charmless objects that somehow pass for confectionery and actually quite expensive.

Branded yoghourts

Generically, just about any of the mass-produced yoghourts like Ski. The adverts usually have some temptress licking her lips salivating at the luscious tasty substance in the pot. Even a silky voice-over by someone like Martin Jarvis. Sometimes, they're even low in fat. Yum. And yet, they are at best mediocre and at worst, revolting.

I'm sure you can think of some more.

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Westler's Hamburgers in Onion Gravy.

Fray Bentos Steak and Kidney puddings.

Almost all brands of tinned hot-dogs

Any beer that isn't Newcy Brown...

;)

XYY

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Most Dr Oetker products, but especially their pizza. The adverts were always a triumph of badly dubbed glamour: a oarty in Vienna, a tuxedo'd cad and dolled-up sultrysaucepot being served a Hawaiian by candlelight. The reality: a bland, tasteless piece of cardboard topped with meagre lowest-common-denominator ingredients and churned out by a factory in the Netherlands somewhere. Supercrap.

Controversially: Nescafe. I know it sells by the millions, but it tastes like dishwater laced with chicory to me. No excuse now that proper coffee is everywhere. And the memory of Gareth Hunt's ads make me shudder. :-)

Almost all Far Eastern hand tools in DIY stores and poundshops - you know, the £3.99 pairs of pliers that are invariably marked 'Professional'. What does that even mean? Has there ever been an honest label on a crap bricklaying trowel - "Amateur quality, for amateur bodgers. We know you're buying on price alone so we made this trowel out of the cheapest materials known to Man, and it's designed to last one job then fall apart." That sort of thing.

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I was feeling a bit left out until Orleans posted.

Totally agree about Nescafe - cheap for a reason as it's harsh and bitter. I'm at my second co. which has switched from lovely gold blend type to it :-(

Also agree about cheap Chinese screwdrivers.

I will contribute cheap / on offer clothes:

They look good, the price is amazing. But you don't try them on and you find the cut is rubbish, and you don't look at the label and find they're a viscose / PVC / asbestos mix which somehow manages to not keep you warm on a cold day but will make you uncomfortably hot on a warm day.

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Agree on Thornton's chocolate. When it first came along it was better than Black Magic, Milk Tray and all that other 70s sh1t but it hasn't moved on since.

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Any food product that purports to be Italian or from the Med but is made in Holland ( too many to name

but Dolmio is a prime example).

Indeed, the Dutch have now effortlessly surpassed the English as the purveyors of the most awful processed food in Europe.

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Westler's Hamburgers in Onion Gravy.

Fray Bentos Steak and Kidney puddings.

Almost all brands of tinned hot-dogs

Any beer that isn't Newcy Brown...

;)

XYY

Agreed on Fray Bentos puddings.

Surprised they are not hauled up regularly on the Trade Description Act as their pies and puddings seem to contain only an insipid slurry like gravy with all steak or kidney having been surgically removed long before the end of processing.

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Agree on Thornton's chocolate. When it first came along it was better than Black Magic, Milk Tray and all that other 70s sh1t but it hasn't moved on since.

Yes, the quality has taken a downward turn, I used to like them a lot. I think the stuff they sell in supermarkets is even worse than the stuff in their own shops.

Haven't had Carte D'Or in a long time but also thought that was nice when it first came out.

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Anything made by Sony

I assume your tongue was slightly in your cheek but I am inclined to agree with you. Sony have, do and will make some excellent products BUT they have never been afraid to badge poor products with their name and fleece the consumer. Pannasonic are usually much, much better.

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Smart phones.

Love this review I found on another site. :lol:

I love the fact that every review of every one of these dumb devices praises the technology, most of which is mediocre at best, and in many cases, so poorly designed as to be unusable. 15 years ago, it took 3 actions to place a call to a frequently dialed number. I was frustrated that my S4 took 13 to accomplish the same thing so I had an expert show me how to get it down to a marginally more acceptable 7. He suggested that I try hands free mode. You still need a hand free to throw the piece of crap away after minutes of playing Samsungs version of "20 really stupid questions". The manufacturers of all these devices have forgotten those of us who only want a communications device. At the current pace of development, in another 15 years, it will be quicker to drive from New York to Los Angeles and have a face to face meeting than to place a call. Smart they are not, and phone is becoming a stretch. If i want a crappy camera, many are available for under $100. A poor MP3 player can be had for about $20. A decent phone, not currently available at any price, shouldn't cost $700 and take a week to learn how to work around its shortcomings. Nor should regular "updates" invalidate all the learning every few months. For those who want an expensive toy, by all means sell them one, but for those of us who want a functional telephone, pleas make one for us.

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Smart phones.

Love this review I found on another site. :lol:

I love the fact that every review of every one of these dumb devices praises the technology, most of which is mediocre at best, and in many cases, so poorly designed as to be unusable. 15 years ago, it took 3 actions to place a call to a frequently dialed number. I was frustrated that my S4 took 13 to accomplish the same thing so I had an expert show me how to get it down to a marginally more acceptable 7. He suggested that I try hands free mode. You still need a hand free to throw the piece of crap away after minutes of playing Samsungs version of "20 really stupid questions". The manufacturers of all these devices have forgotten those of us who only want a communications device. At the current pace of development, in another 15 years, it will be quicker to drive from New York to Los Angeles and have a face to face meeting than to place a call. Smart they are not, and phone is becoming a stretch. If i want a crappy camera, many are available for under $100. A poor MP3 player can be had for about $20. A decent phone, not currently available at any price, shouldn't cost $700 and take a week to learn how to work around its shortcomings. Nor should regular "updates" invalidate all the learning every few months. For those who want an expensive toy, by all means sell them one, but for those of us who want a functional telephone, pleas make one for us.

That review could apply to almost any piece of modern tech 99% of which appears to have been designed with no thought to the needs of end users. This is what happens when geeks with no interpersonal skills get control. Nearly all such devices have host of crap 'features' that you don't want, are hard to configure and which 99.9% of users never use.

The most devilish piece of tech I have come across recently was a mid range Samsung TV which had some of those hidden physical buttons at the bottom of the screen lurking under the plastic which you can quite easily press if you try to move the Telly while plugged in. I somehow managed to press a combination of these while adjusting the aerial on my Mums TV and ended up with the device in 'show room mode' where it constantly cycled round a series of display settings. Needless to say this was not mentioned at all in the sh*tty incomprehensible manual. Simply resetting the device seemed not to remove this feature and it took me hours of searching through the maze of options in the sub menus to find out how to turn it off.

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If we extend this to services I would have to put posh hotels at the very top....say £100 per night plus. Why would you want to spend your money on a package that is set to a formula, may have noisy wedding parties and business people posing at the morning breakfast. It is soulless, not relaxing...and just bloody crap beyond words.

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Five things that are popularised as crap...but I partake in and like.........

RBS

Tesco

Wetherspoons

Greggs

Blackpool (it is crap, but the new plastic resorts here and abroad are crappier...at least Blackpool is real)

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Vast sets of drill bits in blow moulded cases.

Got to challenge you on that. I got one of those off ebay for £40 or something with every type of drill thingy under sun. For the amateur who just needs the odd thing from time to time they are brilliant. For example, I carried out a repair to a backyard parasol of mine which would have been tricky without the countersink options I had.

Not suggesting they are suitable for use on a car production line, but great value for the home tinkerer. Let's face it - you can just buy one or two superior quality pieces once you work out what you will actually use frequently.

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Guest eight

One way to knock 000s off the value of your property drill holes everywhere to mount things.

I'll leave you the speaker brackets if it's going to be a deal breaker.

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One way to knock 000s off the value of your property drill holes everywhere to mount things.

I try to to discourage the wife from that but it's hard. Which reminds me I still have a large number of gaping holes to fill from the previous owner.

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