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Kristen Stewart: Twilight Star Writes Worst Poem Of All Time For Marie Claire

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http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/news/kristen-stewart-writes-worst-poem-of-all-time-9121635.html

My Heart Is A Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole, By Kristen Stewart

"I reared digital moonlight/

You read its clock, scrawled neon across that black/

Kismetly … ubiquitously crest fallen/

Thrown down to strafe your foothills/

…I’ll suck the bones pretty.

Your nature perforated the abrasive organ pumps/

Spray painted everything known to man/

Stream rushed through and all out into/

Something Whilst the crackling stare down sun snuck/

Through our windows boarded up/

He hit your flint face and it sparked.

And I bellowed and you parked/

We reached Marfa/

One honest day up on this freedom pole/

Devils not done digging/

He’s speaking in tongues all along the pan handle/

And this pining erosion is getting dust in/

My eyes/

And I’m drunk on your morsels/

And so I look down the line/

Your every twitch hand drum salute/

Salutes mine."

Quality....

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Vogon poetry generator:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/vogonpoetry/lettergen.shtml

Here's my effort:

See, see the Uncompromising sky

Marvel at its big Puke Green depths.

Tell me, Keith do you

Wonder why the Warthog ignores you?

Why its foobly stare

makes you feel Irritable.

I can tell you, it is

Worried by your Squirmish facial growth

That looks like

A Cheese Sandwich.

What's more, it knows

Your Fledbogs potting shed

Smells of unripened tomato.

Everything under the big Uncompromising sky

Asks why, why do you even bother?

You only charm Ransid cat foods.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrIrcV9Bgmc

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Kristen - give up the scribbling

And stick to the acting instead

We don't want such daft verbal dribbling

Keep that nonsense tucked up in your head.

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I think this one is pretty bad

Konnie Huq !

I'd like to crash

My yoghurt truck

inside your gash.

Toilet Wall, Exeter 2013.

Actually on reflection, that flows rather nicely.

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Kristen - give up the scribbling

And stick to the acting instead

We don't want such daft verbal dribbling

Keep that nonsense tucked up in your head.

She's just as bad at the acting

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Kristen, you were pretty good in Panic Room

But then you grew up far too soon

And your acting didn`t go to the moon

It went down to the porcelain room

Twilight really was shite

Some of the worst shite I have seen on any night

I wished I had my very own little panic room,

or that the movie would end real soon.

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To be fair, Twiglet was sh1te because the book was sh1te, she wasn't responsible for that.

I forced myself to read some in the hope of gaining insight into adolescent thinking and was quite disturbed by it at the time.

Badly written trash that encourages girls to imagine there is something fabulous and special about themselves when they are self-centred, lazy and talentless.

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To be fair, Twiglet was sh1te because the book was sh1te, she wasn't responsible for that.

I forced myself to read some in the hope of gaining insight into adolescent thinking and was quite disturbed by it at the time.

Badly written trash that encourages girls to imagine there is something fabulous and special about themselves when they are self-centred, lazy and talentless.

There is more substance in a box of Twiglets.

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She must be a Vogon.

P

She is Paula Nancy Millstone-Jennings and I claim my £5.

Yes, I know the name quoted was changed in some versions. Perhaps after said Paula took offence.

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