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Reck B

That 'abuse Isn't Always Physical' Advert

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For those who haven't yet seen it - here's the latest offering from our Home Office;

Some initial thoughts

1) It seems to say that It's only men who do this

2) It seems to also say that women are too weak to say "oh ****** of Dave, I'm wearing it"

3) Are 'abuse' calls now going to increase massively following this?

4) I note an attractive middle class couple were used - I wonder why?

5) It's one of the mildest examples of non-physical abuse i can think of.

I think our state is so big they just end up looking for work to solve problems that don't exist? I dunno.. maybe I'm missing the point entirely?

http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/videos/view/19//5#comments

My girlfriend made me buy new jeans as my old ones had holes in even though I really wasn't bothered by them. Would you describe this as an abusive relationship?

Reply

James - 11/12/2013

Dear James,

You really haven’t given enough information to be able to give a definitive answer. Things to consider would include whether you were frightened of what she would do if you didn’t change your jeans? Abuse is usually a pattern of behaviour intended to try to make someone behave a different way or punish them for something they have or have not done.

If you are worried and would like to talk this through with an advisor you can join us for live chat between and 5pm and 7pm on weeknights.

Take care James,

Brian

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For those who haven't yet seen it - here's the latest offering from our Home Office;

Some initial thoughts

1) It seems to say that It's only men who do this

2) It seems to also say that women are too weak to say "oh ****** of Dave, I'm wearing it"

3) Are 'abuse' calls now going to increase massively following this?

4) I note an attractive middle class couple were used - I wonder why?

5) It's one of the mildest examples of non-physical abuse i can think of.

I think our state is so big they just end up looking for work to solve problems that don't exist? I dunno.. maybe I'm missing the point entirely?

http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/videos/view/19//5#comments

Same dude Natalie Imbruglia complained was always late:

Given that he's used to being with Natalie, his new bird should make a bit more effort really.

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That's a very disturbing video. There's no frame of reference. For all we know, they may be going to visit his rather conservative parents for example, who they hope will act as BoMAD for their new house purchase :D

I note later in the comments, that the website specifically says it is aimed at young women. Men can bujjer off somewhere else with complaints about their lying, scheming, manipulative partners. Of course, making any attempt to find out if they are lying, cheating and scheming (for example, having a quick peek at their phones) is abusive in itself. Catch-44 (twice as sticky as Catch-22).

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The thing that I don't like about the advert is that the abuse depicted is the clear implied threat of physical violence. You don't have to threaten violence to be abusive.

Did you watch the same advert? Where on earth is the clear implied threat of physical violence?

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Note the message is not "just tell them to bugger off" but implies that only official help can resolve the issue.

More infantalising of the population.

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Note the message is not "just tell them to bugger off" but implies that only official help can resolve the issue.

More infantalising of the population.

And the continuing emphasis on the "it's not my fault culture".

I can understand that people sometimes blame themselves for things that are done to them by other people. But the namby pamby "it's not your fault, there there" culture to me is often corrosive.

Sometimes it helps people move forward, but more often than not it just makes people wallow in self pity. "Life is the way it is, it's not my fault and I can't change it", whereas the real solution is "Life is the way it is, it's not my fault, but I can change it and make it better by doing X".

Of course making it better means taking control of your life, taking personal responsibility and telling people who are doing bad things to you to ****** off, and also telling yourself that whatever happened in the past, it doesn't have to screw up your life going forwards if you take control. It also means telling "do gooders" that you don't need any of their crap advice and can do everything you need to do without them.

However these "there there" do gooders often make the situation worse by encouraging "the victim" to wallow in self pity and become reliant on their "advice" rather than becoming self assertive. My belief is that this is because in general the "do gooders" are often control freaks who like interfering with other peoples lives and knowing their business and having people reliant on them. I believe their motives are often less charitable than they first appear.

All this nonsense to me seems to be encouringing people to think of themselves as victims and to remove from them any personal responsibilty for the situations that they find themselves, whereas often people make themselves victims through their own behaviour.

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Did you watch the same advert? Where on earth is the clear implied threat of physical violence?

there was physical violence...he prevented her moving through the door...

The threat is the same as...if you dont pay your tax, they will inspect you and fine you...never that you shouldnt do it.

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For those who haven't yet seen it - here's the latest offering from our Home Office;

Some initial thoughts

1) It seems to say that It's only men who do this

2) It seems to also say that women are too weak to say "oh ****** of Dave, I'm wearing it"

3) Are 'abuse' calls now going to increase massively following this?

4) I note an attractive middle class couple were used - I wonder why?

5) It's one of the mildest examples of non-physical abuse i can think of.

I think our state is so big they just end up looking for work to solve problems that don't exist? I dunno.. maybe I'm missing the point entirely?

http://thisisabuse.d.../19//5#comments

Ooh FFS not this old chestnut again.

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Just the usual nonsense.

Men = bad

Women = victims

On the subject of mental abuse in relationships - i would bet every penny i have - my **** - both my ******** - my arms and my legs that men are victims far more often than women.

Not to deny that both sexes are very adept at it of course.

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Just the usual nonsense.

Men = bad

Women = victims

On the subject of mental abuse in relationships - i would bet every penny i have - my **** - both my ******** - my arms and my legs that men are victims far more often than women.

Not to deny that both sexes are very adept at it of course.

You've got two assholes ?

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have they been dealing with all the actual violent abuse and want something else to fill their time?

Or more cynically:

Whose missis is now patron/ceo of an abuse charity?

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Try watching it again.

Still don't see any violence, or threats of violence. But that's violence defined the old way, you know, where someone might get hurt.

"You're very popular"*1

"What you doing with my phone?"*2

"Are you wearing that? Don't want to look cheap, do you?"*3

"Now, you're not going to make a fool of yourself, are you? I love you too much to let you do that"*4

Now, what if last time she went out with the girls (she is going out on her own, it seems, and since they are a couple, I take it she's not meeting another man), he had to go and pick her up drunk, after she'd vomitted in the gutter and her friends had put it all over Facebook, where her employer might see it? Does it change the scenario?

As it stands, very ordinary interaction is criminalised.

*1 Jealousy. DV

*2 denial of privacy. DV

*3 Not approving of her choice of dress. DV

*4 Manipulation/control. DV

I've been married 40 odd years, and I can tell you that at least once a month one or the other of us commits one of these crimes, usually the missus using no. 3 on me. Us men like our old gardening jackets.

My favourite was when I was driving, we'd decided to go to a supermarket. We were approaching the town from an unfamiliar direction to her (a road I knew well), and she became convinced that I had taken the wrong turn and was going the wrong way on a dual carriageway with no turnings for a few miles. She lost it, I got a constant stream of abuse and ineffective whacks on the arm, couldn't get a word in edgeways. Wall-to-wall ranting. I drove the three miles to the roundabout right next to the supermarket, still being whacked and verbally abused, turned onto it and as she recognised where she was, I got a little "Oh", and then a stiff silence. When we parked and got out, I said to her, calmly "You know your sense of direction is crap, why do you always go off like that?"

She replied, a bit testily, "Well you NEVER listen! Why didn't you say something?"

At that point, people in the car park were both wondering what the two of us were doing reeling around laughing.

My point is: context. We don't have any for that advert. It could be entirely reasonable behaviour on his part, if she were cheating, but then, women never cheat, do they? Is bringing back some other man's baby DV? Actually, it isn't, and the poor sap is expected to pay for it for the twenty years or so, even if it isn't his. In fact, given she is "popular", what's the chances?

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There's a certain feminist agenda (we could pehaps call it "Wimmins Hour agenda") which says "If he ever disagrees with you and gets his way, it's abuse."

Thankfully most women in real life aren't like that.

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As others have said, context is everything. Saying this is abuse is not helpful, when it might not be.

A regular pattern of similar unwanted behaviours, perhaps with escalation might well be indicative of trouble ahead though. Especially, if the party on the receiving end isn't consenting to it.

Not easy to convey in a 30s ad though.

I'd say my missus exhibits similar behaviours in the ad, and worse, at least several times a month. Often, however, it coincides with low blood sugar due to her being a diabetic or PMS. I simply tell her to either eat some food, or run and hide in one of two man caves.

I never do any of these:

1 Jealousy. Your other half either wants to be with you or not.

2 denial of privacy. As an introvert, I appreciate the need for personal space

3 Not approving of her choice of dress. No sane bloke would dare.

I'm probably guilty of manipulation from time to time. Does the promise of an slap up meal at the end of a cycle ride count as abuse? I doubt it.

Even traditional physical abuse may not be in the context of a S&M relationship.

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I think this thread is missing the point that the campaign is clearly aimed at 14-16 year old girls who are quite likely to have low confidence due to lack of life experience ("he's the one, if he leaves me I'll never find anyone else, my life will be over") and might need a bit more help with sticking up for themselves than older and more confident people.

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They are characters from Hollyoaks (which I sometimes watch through apathy as it's on in between The Simpson's and C4 News and that's the only reason, I swear). The male character is both mentally and physically abusive towards her in the show. That's the context.

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I think this thread is missing the point that the campaign is clearly aimed at 14-16 year old girls who are quite likely to have low confidence due to lack of life experience ("he's the one, if he leaves me I'll never find anyone else, my life will be over") and might need a bit more help with sticking up for themselves than older and more confident people.

Yes

And older women, and men, too

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Yes

And older women, and men, too

Indeed. Would be nice if the would bother to occasionally point out the male side of it once in a while. Even just a wee scroll along the bottom of the screen would be a start. But no - that doesn't fit in with the all women are victims nonsense that is rammed down peoples throats on an hourly basis.

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