Close Friend Missing

[Renewed Investor]

One of my best mates of many years now has went missing, I suspect he has committed suicide. He's been gone 6 days now, he took no money or cards, left his phone and his dad told me he went through his internet history on his PC. The last things he looked at online were the heights of local landmarks and bridges as well as terminal velocity. I suspect he has jumped into a local river and the tide has carried him out somewhere. Of course I hope that is not the case though and that he turns up alive.

My reactions have surprised me. I've known him a long time, and knew he was fairly depressed about being out of work. He became an alcoholic about 4 years ago whilst at university. He graduated and spent the next 4 years "kinda" looking for work. He got interviews but missed most of them due to being hungover, his alcoholism got in the way of ever finding work. He managed to get onto a course with one firm by sheer luck and I pressed him to make an effort at it and it looked like he would. I was happy for him to finally be getting out of the rut he was in. I find out later that evening though that he quit during his lunch break because they wouldn't let him drink. He walked out, went to a supermarket and got hammered on cheap cider. This was less than a year ago and he went increasingly downhill from there. He stopped coming out with us and instead stayed in his bedroom watching TV and playing Xbox. I use to keep in touch with him via Xbox chat now and again and noticed he had upped his drinking. The last time I spoke to him about 7 weeks ago I discovered he had stopped drinking cheap cans and had moved onto drinking about 1 liter of vodka a day. I've been telling him to get his shit sorted for too long and tried one last time but he ended up just cutting me off entirely. Now 7 weeks later he is AWOL and his parents discovered he had been doing legal highs alone in his room for the past month or so. All this hasn't really affected me as much as I thought it would, maybe I had already given up on him? Maybe I think I am coping well but it hasn't sunk in yet and it will when they eventually find him? I don't know how to covert what's going on in my head into words right now. Some people think I am a bit cold about the whole situation as I have yet to shed a tear, and have told my closest friends that I think he is dead. Is this normal?

Another problem has surfaced during all of this, that is the girlfriend of my best friend (not the missing friend). I always took her for a selfish narcissistic bitch but I know now that she is worse than that. First off, my missing friend and this girl did not get along full stop. He hated her with a passion but would remain civil and polite when around her just to keep our friend who is seeing her happy. Well this girl has come out of the woodwork, claiming to have been one of his best pals and has made herself the center of attention by fabricating tales. I know for a fact she is talking utter BS and has told Police flat out lies, the latest one being of him telling her that he was going to go and seek out his birth parents (he was adopted). This is utter ******** and will possibly harm the search and investigation. I see her on facebook milking this for all it is worth, she's loving the attention I can tell. How do I tackle this? Obviously I will tell the police what I know but this is going to get very messy, she will try to turn everyone against me I'm sure, she is that nuts. I'm considering trying to get her alone and have a confrontation telling her of the damage she is doing. Getting her alone will be difficult though since she is my mates shadow. I'd like to confront her without him being there as he is very fragile about this right now, and I don't think pointing out what a nutter his bird is will help things at the moment.

Any advice or suggestions would help, it's a strange and dark situation.

[Fully Detached]

Sorry to hear of your situation.

If it were me, I would tell the police that the girl is a nutjob and to be wary of anything she says. They will probably realise anyway, but to have it confirmed by one of the missing blokes mates is important to ensure that the search does not go off on a series of wild goose chases. I'm no expert, but to me the priority would be trying to help them find your friend, and I wouldn't worry about upsetting anyone in the process. Good luck.

[The Masked Tulip]

You have two separate things going on here.

1. The girl is a nutjob and, as FD has said, have a quiet word with the Police and tell them what you feel and what you have told us. They will, as FD stated, have no doubt have sussed her out but will be grateful to have it confirmed.

As for the long-term relationship between her and your mate, well, that is really up to him and his life path isn't it? Will he believe you if you tell him about her - probably not. Learning about others, even our partners, is often a painful life experience that we only learn by actually going through the grief, hassle and pain of loving and being used and being hurt.

You could end up losing the friendship of your mate by telling him what you think.

On the other hand, perhaps at the right time and in the right place you could sound him out about how he feels about her and if he admits doubts then you could diplomatically say how you feel. It is a tough one.

2. I am sorry to hear about your friend. Thousands of people go missing each year. Many of them turn up. Many simply go and live elsewhere. Some do commit suicide but not all by any means. He is clearly in a dark place and it sounds like he has much going on in his head. There is nothing you can really do at this time other than hope for the best, help the Police in any way and be there for his parents.

But this is clearly having an affect on you. You are going to be affected by the 5 stages of grief which you can read about here - http://grief.com/the-five-stages/ I suggest you have a read as it might help you understand some of the emotions that you are feeling.

There is no text book about how anyone should feel or act when they lose someone - everyone deals with loss in different ways. Just because you have not shed a tear yet doesn't mean that you won't at some point in the future. You can also experience grief for someone who is not dead - you can mourn the loss of a friendship or the loss of a relationship. You can be equally as 'hit' emotionally by them as you can be by someone physically dying.

Hope is a good thing. You friend may well still be alive. Hold on to the hope.

[Jason]

Perhaps delete her from your Facebook?

[Nuggets Mahoney]

One of my best mates of many years now has went missing...

Don't beat yourself up if you're feeling emotionally detached from the situation. It's not unusual in my experience. The chances are your feelings will catch up with you once the situation has been resolved.

In your shoes, I'd avoid direct confrontation with the girlfriend. It's not as if she's going to change her ways. Let the police know what you know, including that you've heard stories which you are sure are incorrect. Avoid explicitly mentioning the personal differences if you can, it's unlikely to help and they will get the idea from what you are saying anyway.

Good luck

[Nuggets Mahoney]

...a one on one conversation with the gf sounds like a really bad idea impo. As you've described the situation, she doesn't care about the impact she's having on others, you're going to open up and say all sorts of things that can be twisted and used against you (no witnesses) and she's going to admit to nothing.

[Renewed Investor]

Perhaps delete her from your Facebook?

Did that once, the shitstorm that resulted was worse than having to read her dribble from time to time.

[Renewed Investor]

...a one on one conversation with the gf sounds like a really bad idea impo. As you've described the situation, she doesn't care about the impact she's having on others, you're going to open up and say all sorts of things that can be twisted and used against you (no witnesses) and she's going to admit to nothing.

Yes, i think you are right here. As whipped as my mate is I think he would believe her too.

I just got off the phone with another friend who asked if I knew about the crap she was speaking. I feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one on to her. I've told him not to do anything hasty.

[Guest unfunded_liability]

You have two separate things going on here.

1. The girl is a nutjob and, as FD has said, have a quiet word with the Police and tell them what you feel and what you have told us. They will, as FD stated, have no doubt have sussed her out but will be grateful to have it confirmed.

As for the long-term relationship between her and your mate, well, that is really up to him and his life path isn't it? Will he believe you if you tell him about her - probably not. Learning about others, even our partners, is often a painful life experience that we only learn by actually going through the grief, hassle and pain of loving and being used and being hurt.

You could end up losing the friendship of your mate by telling him what you think.

On the other hand, perhaps at the right time and in the right place you could sound him out about how he feels about her and if he admits doubts then you could diplomatically say how you feel. It is a tough one.

2. I am sorry to hear about your friend. Thousands of people go missing each year. Many of them turn up. Many simply go and live elsewhere. Some do commit suicide but not all by any means. He is clearly in a dark place and it sounds like he has much going on in his head. There is nothing you can really do at this time other than hope for the best, help the Police in any way and be there for his parents.

But this is clearly having an affect on you. You are going to be affected by the 5 stages of grief which you can read about here - http://grief.com/the-five-stages/ I suggest you have a read as it might help you understand some of the emotions that you are feeling.

There is no text book about how anyone should feel or act when they lose someone - everyone deals with loss in different ways. Just because you have not shed a tear yet doesn't mean that you won't at some point in the future. You can also experience grief for someone who is not dead - you can mourn the loss of a friendship or the loss of a relationship. You can be equally as 'hit' emotionally by them as you can be by someone physically dying.

Hope is a good thing. You friend may well still be alive. Hold on to the hope.

everything TMT said.

Sorry for your loss.

[Nuggets Mahoney]

Yes, i think you are right here. As whipped as my mate is I think he would believe her too.

I just got off the phone with another friend who asked if I knew about the crap she was speaking. I feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one on to her. I've told him not to do anything hasty.

Same with the talking with the police. There are ways you can communicate your concerns that they may be receiving incorrect information without complicating things.

One reason why we sometimes feel emotionally detached at times like this may be so that we can remain rational and deal with a situation. Like I said, don't beat yourself up about it, it could very easily be a positive attribute.

[okaycuckoo]

Talk with your missing friend's father about looking for online communications with the girl - it's possible.

[Solitaire]

Had something similar with my Nephew's best friend last year. Nephew did everything he could over the years to try and change his mates behaviour (alcoholic) and towards the end they too became somewhat estranged because his friend would avoid contact. Sadly he passed away on Christmas day and my Nephew, although shocked at the news, was feeling guilty for a long time because he wasn't feeling like he felt he should.

I think really it was the almost inevitability of it and that he had already mourned the loss of his friend to some extent before he died.

Sorry to hear you're going through such a worrying time and I hope your friend is found safe. You did your best for him but unfortunately no matter how hard we try we cannot save everyone (my brother committed suicide) so I hope you take some comfort from that no matter what the outcome.

[MrPin]

MrPin is sorry to hear this!! We all lost a few!!

[Rave]

everything TMT said.

+1, he is one of HPC's gentlest souls I reckon.

My sincerest sympathy RI, how awful! Just to re-iterate what others have said, you absolutely must not second-guess your own emotions, or judge yourself for them. It's entirely possible that you started grieving for him when he cut off contact 7 weeks ago. Every emotion you feel now and in the days ahead is fine and normal...even anger. I say this entirely non-judgementally, but your friend has still done a bad thing, which is to leave without any explanation. He could have left a note; it might have said "I'm off, into rehab, I'll be back when I'm well", or it might have said "by the time you read this I'll have jumped off the Tyne Bridge". Either way you'd all be in less of a limbo. I feel awful for typing that, but I think it's true*.

I still occasionally shed a tear for a former teacher of mine who drank himself to death. He left my school in my final year after being 'off sick' for a while; Christmas that year I was out doing my mum's Christmas card run on my bicycle, and dropped his card through his letterbox (she was a teacher at my school, and he lived within easy cycling distance). He came running out after me, seemed really pleased to see me, so I chatted with him for a couple of minutes but then ran out of things to say- I was 18 at the time, just back from my first term at uni.

Six months later my mum wrote me one of her regular letters to me at university to say that he'd died (1998, I had email, but she was old school). He was the Economics teacher; I'd only known him because he was also in charge of the First String Orchestra, and I was one of only two viola players in the school, thus in by default, even though I was pretty hopeless. After that my mum had tried, apparently, to keep him interested in life by getting him out to play with a little local evening-class orchestra she played with, but he politely declined after a couple of weeks. To this day I wish that I had tried a little harder on that day outside his house in the freezing December cold, and I occasionally beat myself up about it, but in reality I could have gone in for a cup of tea with him right there and then, invited him to Christmas dinner with us, and he'd still have gone the same way.

The last time I ever played the viola was at his memorial service, August '98. The headmaster gave a lovely, moving speech, during which I happened to catch the eye of a kind maths teacher in the back row- we looked away and cried in perfect symmetry.

And so I'm crying now, RIP Iain.

You did your best for him but unfortunately no matter how hard we try we cannot save everyone (my brother committed suicide)

So sorry for your dreadful loss too .

*if that was a spectacular misjudgement on my part please report me to the mods, get me suspended or banned, and I'll re-assess my life and the kind of person I am.

[SNACR]

Confronting the girl privately is naive. Don't give her warning - she'll stitch you up first. Like the others say, just tip the Police off if they don't know already.

In films and TV dramas goodies always confront the baddies and they always lose out from doing so...so don't do it, don't give them prior warning.

You mention TV dramas, and this will be the problem with this girl. It seems incredibly common for, seemingly mostly women, to latch on to other people's personal tragedies and dramas to then live out some kind of fantasy existence as a character in their own TV soap opera. I'm pretty sure TV soap opera over-dramatisation is responsible for this. I can think of two incidences at work when I noticed it in action one was a suicide and the other was when this guy was found to be a serial rapist. In both cases various women, who barely knew those involved, sought to put themselves at the centre of both police and media attention.

I do know someone who has threatened suicide for years, and never gone through with it, often going AWOL for some time. The internet browsing history could have been designed to be found.

[MrPin]

+1, he is one of HPC's gentlest souls I reckon.

My sincerest sympathy RI, how awful! Just to re-iterate what others have said, you absolutely must not second-guess your own emotions, or judge yourself for them. It's entirely possible that you started grieving for him when he cut off contact 7 weeks ago. Every emotion you feel now and in the days ahead is fine and normal...even anger. I say this entirely non-judgementally, but your friend has still done a bad thing, which is to leave without any explanation. He could have left a note; it might have said "I'm off, into rehab, I'll be back when I'm well", or it might have said "by the time you read this I'll have jumped off the Tyne Bridge". Either way you'd all be in less of a limbo. I feel awful for typing that, but I think it's true*.

I still occasionally shed a tear for a former teacher of mine who drank himself to death. He left my school in my final year after being 'off sick' for a while; Christmas that year I was out doing my mum's Christmas card run on my bicycle, and dropped his card through his letterbox (she was a teacher at my school, and he lived within easy cycling distance). He came running out after me, seemed really pleased to see me, so I chatted with him for a couple of minutes but then ran out of things to say- I was 18 at the time, just back from my first term at uni.

Six months later my mum wrote me one of her regular letters to me at university to say that he'd died (1998, I had email, but she was old school). He was the Economics teacher; I'd only known him because he was also in charge of the First String Orchestra, and I was one of only two viola players in the school, thus in by default, even though I was pretty hopeless. After that my mum had tried, apparently, to keep him interested in life by getting him out to play with a little local evening-class orchestra she played with, but he politely declined after a couple of weeks. To this day I wish that I had tried a little harder on that day outside his house in the freezing December cold, and I occasionally beat myself up about it, but in reality I could have gone in for a cup of tea with him right there and then, invited him to Christmas dinner with us, and he'd still have gone the same way.

The last time I ever played the viola was at his memorial service, August '98. The headmaster gave a lovely, moving speech, during which I happened to catch the eye of a kind maths teacher in the back row- we looked away and cried in perfect symmetry.

And so I'm crying now, RIP Iain.

So sorry for your dreadful loss too .

*if that was a spectacular misjudgement on my part please report me to the mods, get me suspended or banned, and I'll re-assess my life and the kind of person I am.

You should join the Right Reverend Pin's Big Band Sound! A Viola is a violin for big blokes, innit? One of my mates does the Cello!

[Bloo Loo]

Sadly, I wouldnt hold out too much hope on the Police being at all useful.

There will have been a form filled in and a database entry created.

"info" will be added to the database as it arrives.

Unless a crime is committed, there wont be much of an investigation.

A depressed person is in a very dark place, one which they feel very alone in...You WONT have been able to penetrate to the person so its not your fault. You could consider dropping off facebook altogether, this will harm no-one and you will live without it just fine.

I hope this is resolved in a good way for your sake.

[winkie]

So sorry to hear about your good friend and the dark hopeless place he is in, surround yourself with the people who care and have an understanding about human emotions and how internal pain affects some...it is not your fault, you did and said everything you could to help...keep away from those that cause trouble.

[MrPin]

So sorry to hear about your good friend and the dark hopeless place he is in, surround yourself with the people who care and have an understanding about human emotions and how internal pain affects some...it is not your fault, you did and said everything you could to help...keep away from those that cause trouble.

My **** is pretty bad this morning!

[MrPin]

I might have been flippant, and therefore I apologise!

[ccc]

In both cases various women, who barely knew those involved, sought to put themselves at the centre of both police and media attention.

Like Amanda Holden deciding to talk about how Jimmy Savile apparently once said something sleazy to her - in the same week she releases her autobiography . . .

[MrPin]

Like Amanda Holden deciding to talk about how Jimmy Savile apparently once said something sleazy to her - in the same week she releases her autobiography . . .

I'm pretty sure I have said some "sleazy" Things! But I'm not writing a book about it!

[winkie]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VosFiY1SifA

[MrPin]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VosFiY1SifA

Truly horrible song!

[Guest_FaFa!_*]

Going back to the poor chap who may have lost his friend, I just want to say my heart goes out to him at this tough time and I just want to echo what others said about that dreadful girlfriend. I think if you and your friend approach the police and raise your concerns in as neutral a manner as possible, that would help.

Best of luck, I hope it is resolved one way or another - the worst must be not knowing.