Security States In The Uk

[Bossybabe]

• The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "...Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

• The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

• The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

• Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

• The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

• Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

• The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

• Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.

Finally, an Australian friend added that New Zealanders were so alarmed they've raised their security state from "Baa" to "BAA"

[little fish]

Finally, an Australian friend added that New Zealanders were so alarmed they've raised their security state from "Baa" to "BAA"

It is funny - I love that tall git.

Gets it spot on every time. Love to know what he thinks about Sweden, Denmark and Ireland's reactions too.

The English "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out" Perfect I feel this....

[happy_renting]

From Red Dwarf:

Rimmer: "Step up to red alert."

Kryten: "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."

[Bossybabe]

From Red Dwarf:

Rimmer: "Step up to red alert."

Kryten: "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."

You can't beat Rimmer.

[little fish]

The 4 stage response on foreign policy from the civil service

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[Bossybabe]

The 4 stage response on foreign policy from the civil service

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Priceless!

[wild card]

Some things should be revived frequently - this is one of them. Sorry Bossybabe am derailing your thread slightly. You might like it though?

Mr Cleese Merchant Banker

Hello ahhh Mr Victim

[Bossybabe]

Some things should be revived frequently - this is one of them. Sorry Bossybabe am derailing your thread slightly. You might like it though?

Mr Cleese Merchant Banker

Hello ahhh Mr Victim

You can derail my thread anytime.

[longtomsilver]

From Red Dwarf:

Rimmer: "Step up to red alert."

Kryten: "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."

True story (apparently) Frank Robinson changed the warning lightbulbs on the panels of the helicopters that I used to fly from red to orange as they discovered you were more likely to take the correct action on a Low RRPM warning for example if it was orange and not freeze in panic (if it were red) that's what my instruction used to tell me at least.

[happy_renting]

True story (apparently) Frank Robinson changed the warning lightbulbs on the panels of the helicopters that I used to fly from red to orange as they discovered you were more likely to take the correct action on a Low RRPM warning for example if it was orange and not freeze in panic (if it were red) that's what my instruction used to tell me at least.

Accompanied by a Klaxon, and a recorded message "THE JESUS NUT IS LOOSE"?