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Why We Like The British - From British Newspapers

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> 1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas

> bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high

> for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the

> gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily

> Telegraph)

> 2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami

> in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing

> her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

> 3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,

> because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and

> they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

> 4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was

> rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman

> commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

> 5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and

> asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he

> didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown

> his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

> 6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience

> with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week

> to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.

> "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in

> the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

> (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

> A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to

> their passengers...

> 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I

> know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be

> married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the

> Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

> 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering

> from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you

> know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

> 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that

> last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The

> bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and

> East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

> 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a

> security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the

> foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time

> together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a

> wall.....'."

> 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker

> Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so

> I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like

> that".

> 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these

> professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a

> registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

> 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

> announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,

> ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

> 8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then,

> stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

> 9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please

> hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

> 0) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that

> the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags

> into the doors."

> 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the

> door."

> 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the

> second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you

> understand?"

> 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move

> ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal

> message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the

> train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away

> from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e

> sideways!"

> 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed

> on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's

> only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

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Security levels.

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, the level has just been raised from 'miffed' to "peeved'. Soon though, the levels may be raised yet again to "irritated' or even "a bit cross".

Londoners have not been a "bit cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "tiresome" to "a bloody nuisance", the last time a "bloody nuisance" warning level was issued was during the great fire in 1666.

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, the Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance"

to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the middle east ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the world" and "beg the British for help".

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  • 301 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?

      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%

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