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Best Jokes--merged

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Best top ten

A triumphant Helm (pictured) said of his Dave TV honour: "I knew my joke was the funniest joke of all the other jokes in 2011. Thank you to Dave and all the people that voted for proving me right."

Tim Vine, who last year took top spot with "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again", was back on the podium to collect the runner-up gong for the splendid: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

Here's the 2011 top 10 in full:

Nick Helm: "I needed a password with eight characters so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

Tim Key: "Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...once you've hired the car..."

Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved... Heroin."

Meh Britain even comedy has gone down the pan... and I know the voted best one is a rip off. HPC better these dastardly bores.

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They had the "Show me the funny" final tonight...fairly poor...Thanks to Michael McIntyre, John Bishop et al, mainstream stand up has become incredibly formulaic...Although I've heard great things about Daniel Kitson.

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Best top ten

Meh Britain even comedy has gone down the pan... and I know the voted best one is a rip off. HPC better these dastardly bores.

Quite like that last one. Reminds me of an episode of The Simpsons in which a tramp tells how he fell from grace, thanks to his $1000 a day habit (cut to picture of previously rich tramp in high end store): "I'd like another Faberge egg please".

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It`s all in the timing and delivery. I have tried telling some Tim vine jokes but lack the daft facial expressions and comic timing.

Like all things, I need to be in the mood. Sometimes I want to have a laugh and at other times I prefer watching serious drama.

My current favourite comic is Lee Mack

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I think the chess one is the funniest. But it's all relative... :)

That's the worst of the lot - it smacks of the pathetic attitude pervading this country of "Let's sneer at how dull anything usually regarded as intellectual is."

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They had the "Show me the funny" final tonight...fairly poor...Thanks to Michael McIntyre, John Bishop et al, mainstream stand up has become incredibly formulaic...Although I've heard great things about Daniel Kitson.

Isn't McIntyre hopeless? I don't think I have ever heard such an unfunny comedian.

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One of my favourite jokes. Sick and smart at the same time. :D

I called the rape helpline yesterday. Unfortunately it's only for victims.

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Smile... I nearly did. :rolleyes:

:D

I actually thought the B&Q joke that got the wooden spoon was funny.....

Buckers

My top 3 (in order of pref) 10, 7, 2

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

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Isn't McIntyre hopeless? I don't think I have ever heard such an unfunny comedian.

I just don't get the appeal either ..and why hes on TV so much ? ...Its it because he is "safe"...........................he's defo not funny

Just about the funniest thing Ive ever seen is Freddie Starr ....in Croyden about 20 years ago ....... that's about the only time I've ever laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself ....admittedly I'd had a few pints ...but you never get up for a slash while he's on stage , or sit near the front ...and he was there for about 3 hours .!..He's nothing like the tame stoat that you've seen on TV ..... And if you heckled him he would jump of the stage and come for you...... for some serious humiliation ....quality

Tv has got very safe and PC again

Amazingly how quickly comedy dates though ....I was watching Alan B'stard the other day ...thinking that political life has just exceeded it

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I just don't get the appeal either ..and why hes on TV so much ? ...Its it because he is "safe"...........................he's defo not funny

Just about the funniest thing Ive ever seen is Freddie Starr ....in Croyden about 20 years ago ....... that's about the only time I've ever laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself ....admittedly I'd had a few pints ...but you never get up for a slash while he's on stage , or sit near the front ...and he was there for about 3 hours .!..He's nothing like the tame stoat that you've seen on TV ..... And if you heckled him he would jump of the stage and come for you...... for some serious humiliation ....quality

Tv has got very safe and PC again

Amazingly how quickly comedy dates though ....I was watching Alan B'stard the other day ...thinking that political life has just exceeded it

This won't be popular, but on the subject of safe Bernard Manning was funny.You just had to look at the fella to laugh because he was a sort of social misfit himself.I acknowledge that some of his material isn't acceptable in the 21st century but some of those old guys like him and Frank Carson were actually good at their craft.

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One of my favourite jokes. Sick and smart at the same time. :D

I called the rape helpline yesterday. Unfortunately it's only for victims.

what's the difference between a wife and a w@nk?

You can beat a wife!

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what's the difference between a wife and a w@nk?

You can beat a wife!

:lol:

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I just don't get the appeal either ..and why hes on TV so much ? ...Its it because he is "safe"...........................he's defo not funny

Just about the funniest thing Ive ever seen is Freddie Starr ....in Croyden about 20 years ago ....... that's about the only time I've ever laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself ....admittedly I'd had a few pints ...but you never get up for a slash while he's on stage , or sit near the front ...and he was there for about 3 hours .!..He's nothing like the tame stoat that you've seen on TV ..... And if you heckled him he would jump of the stage and come for you...... for some serious humiliation ....quality

Tv has got very safe and PC again

Amazingly how quickly comedy dates though ....I was watching Alan B'stard the other day ...thinking that political life has just exceeded it

http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/stewart-lee-a-funny-thing-happened-to-comedy-2145510.html

Safe comedy sells DVDs and live tickets...I initially really liked Peter Kay...That Peter Kay Thing & Phoenix Nights are fabulous (although he's not solely responsible for these), but now its all "oh, remember Bullseye, it were shite but it were good routine" gets a bit tiresome....

They had Tim Vine on ITV4 are few days ago...very well done, and without an ounce of swearing (not there's anything wrong with that)...the only other of his ilk is MIlton Jones...not as good IMHO...

There are few truly funny stand-ups....perhaps Frank Skinner, George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Billy Connolly & Richard Pryor (back in the day) & Lee Mack (at a push)...but they're not exactly ten a penny nowadays...there's one called Mickey something...utterly dreadful blagger...

Jimmy Carr just uses shock value...along with Frankie Boyle..although Boyle, when he hits it right, can tell some corkers..

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That's the worst of the lot - it smacks of the pathetic attitude pervading this country of "Let's sneer at how dull anything usually regarded as intellectual is."

I wasn't trying to judge 'best' or 'worse' by analysing the jokes' attitudes. My bad. ;)

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Comedy is like art or music, people want different things from it - comfort, escapism, challenge, a political message or whatever. Perhaps those things even change with age. At the moment I like Stewart Lee, Doug Stanhope, Tommy Tiernan.

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This made me chuckle today:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on

a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, its me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.

Its only 500. Is it okay if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one I really, really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "80.000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. Theyre asking 1,500,000."

MAN: "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, no more than

1,250,000."

WOMAN: "OK. Ill see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment. Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose mobile this is?"

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They had Tim Vine on ITV4 are few days ago...very well done, and without an ounce of swearing (not there's anything wrong with that)...the only other of his ilk is MIlton Jones...

Check out Stuart Francis....funnier than both.

"I quit my job at the helium factory. I didn't like the way my boss spoke to me."

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  • 331 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?


      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%



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