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The Masked Tulip

Should This Man Marry His Abusive And Controlling Fiancée Next Week?

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You gotta love this:

http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/06/30/urgent-group-intervention-needed-should-this-man-marry-his-abusive-and-controlling-fiancee-next-week/

Dear Dr Tara J. Palmatier,

I have recently come across your articles on Shrink4Men and have been reading them — especially those related to controlling and abusive women — and am hoping you can answer a simple yes or no question for me:

Am I involved with a controlling and/or abusive woman?

I hate to sound dramatic, but the sooner you could answer, the better, as we are engaged and supposed to be married next week. I have become increasingly concerned that I am heading down a not-very-healthy path.

There are a few behaviors that concern me:

1. She frequently becomes extremely hostile and aggressive if I’m not able to meet her demands. For example, she fought with me for 3 days about not taking her to Paris where I was scheduled to work for 4 days. I explained that I couldn’t afford a last minute ticket, hotel, etc., for such a short trip.

Additionally, my job doesn’t allow significant others to go on trips. I offered to take her on another trip a few weeks later, when I had the time off and she refused. She had to go on the Paris trip. She even threatened to leave me if I didn’t take her. I ended up caving in and bringing her.

2. She often threatens to leave me or end the relationship when she’s upset or we’re having a disagreement. I’ve asked her repeatedly not to do this, as it really makes me feel insecure in our relationship. She’s done it repeatedly, even after leaving a therapist’s office a week ago, because she did not like the direction of the therapy session, and afterward told me, “I’m leaving.”

3. She has told me in no uncertain terms that a very good friend of mine (female, strictly platonic – always) is “not welcome in my house.” She doesn’t like this person even though they’ve only met twice, because, as best I can tell from really trying to have a heart-to-heart about it, she feels insecure about the friendship I have with my friend.

Honestly, I only see this person maybe twice a year. She’s been a close friend of mine for over a decade and dates another very close friend of mine. I’ve explained that I think it’s unreasonable to tell me she’s not welcome in the house, but she insists the only way she’s comfortable is if she doesn’t have to ever see her.

All of this has caused an extreme amount of conflict between us and I am feeling very high levels of stress and anxiety-borderline depression. I realize this is only my side of the story, but truly I’ve tried to explain everything as objectively as possible. She’s not a bad person, but I’m afraid that these behaviors will only get worse. My family and friends all tell me her behaviors will get worse and that I should end the relationship.

From just what I described, I’m curious if you feel that she is a controlling/abusive person?

Thank you so much.

Peter

I will let you read the full article to find out whether he went through with it or not.

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DON’T SLEEP WITH HER! Very good advice!!!!. And wear three condom’s when you go to bed at night if you’re in the same county as she is. No physical contact!!!

Brilliant.

Good advice.

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I'm a grown man. I placed my hand in a fireplace. I see some strange light there and it's very hot. I think I feel pain. Should I put my hand out?

:unsure:

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It is amazing how many blokes, and burds, put up with this shit.

There is one basic thing to do. From day one you let the other half know you want to have fun and if it becomes stressful it is game over. Simple as that.

We all need to learn our lessons when younger. Been there done that myself. However once you have learned this basic lesson in life - if you do it again you should be stuck in a mental asylum IMO. Unfortunately I reckon there are literally millions of such people in the UK today.

They choose to live with someone that slowly drives them insane. I don't care if you love them. You are a ******ing idiot and deserve all you get.

THE END.

PS - This relationships advice is free. :D

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It is amazing how many blokes, and burds, put up with this shit.

There is one basic thing to do. From day one you let the other half know you want to have fun and if it becomes stressful it is game over. Simple as that.

We all need to learn our lessons when younger. Been there done that myself. However once you have learned this basic lesson in life - if you do it again you should be stuck in a mental asylum IMO. Unfortunately I reckon there are literally millions of such people in the UK today.

They choose to live with someone that slowly drives them insane. I don't care if you love them. You are a ******ing idiot and deserve all you get.

THE END.

PS - This relationships advice is free. :D

Sadly, millions do not realise that they are in relationships with abusers. Others find themselves trapped financially and/or because of kids.

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Sadly, millions do not realise that they are in relationships with abusers. Others find themselves trapped financially and/or because of kids.

You really believe that ? I reckon most know what is going on and are just scared of being alone. There is no way people can live with people like this and not realise they are ******ing lunatics.

One of my pals is like this. Went out for the first time in ages with us. After an hour got a pic message on his phone of all his stuff in black bags at his door. Message was along the lines of 'If you prefer you pals then ******ing move in with them'

He is still with her. The best story is a time we were going to meet early doors before a lunchtime kick off for the football. She wasn't very happy about this apparently. I mean he goes out with his pals perhaps once every 3 months. How does the poor wee lamb cope with this. :rolleyes:

So he wakes up and looks at the clock. Goes back to bed as it was only 9 and we were meeting at 10. Wakes up a bit later as he feels it is later on. Goes and checks his phone. It was actually 10. She had sneaked around during the night and changed all the clocks.

No kidding. I could not make this shit up.

And yes - still with her.

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Free and good rolled into one :D

+1

I am far from a relationship expert - but it really is pretty simple - is it not ?!

When I tell people this I always get the usual response 'Ah you think you know everything, it is not as simple as that - blah blah blah'

Well sorry - but it is. If people want to choose a shitty life instead ? Up to them. I will keep it simple and not be the one crying in a corner every weekend.

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You really believe that ? I reckon most know what is going on and are just scared of being alone. There is no way people can live with people like this and not realise they are ******ing lunatics.

One of my pals is like this. Went out for the first time in ages with us. After an hour got a pic message on his phone of all his stuff in black bags at his door. Message was along the lines of 'If you prefer you pals then ******ing move in with them'

He is still with her. The best story is a time we were going to meet early doors before a lunchtime kick off for the football. She wasn't very happy about this apparently. I mean he goes out with his pals perhaps once every 3 months. How does the poor wee lamb cope with this. :rolleyes:

So he wakes up and looks at the clock. Goes back to bed as it was only 9 and we were meeting at 10. Wakes up a bit later as he feels it is later on. Goes and checks his phone. It was actually 10. She had sneaked around during the night and changed all the clocks.

No kidding. I could not make this shit up.

And yes - still with her.

Actually, yes, plenty of people in such relationships do not realise it. Often they are being gaslighted - gaslighting is one of several techniques used by people with personality disorder to abuse, intimidate and confuse their partners.

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He binned her in the end if you can't be bothered trawling through the pages of comments.

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Actually, yes, plenty of people in such relationships do not realise it. Often they are being gaslighted - gaslighting is one of several techniques used by people with personality disorder to abuse, intimidate and confuse their partners.

I may have to google that.

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Actually, yes, plenty of people in such relationships do not realise it. Often they are being gaslighted - gaslighting is one of several techniques used by people with personality disorder to abuse, intimidate and confuse their partners.

What the hell is gaslighted?

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Haven't you ever watched the film Gaslighting?

Gaslighting: The extremes of emotional abuse

http://www.helium.com/items/1959708-psychological-abuse-mental-health-health-abuse-violence-and-abuse-people-domestic-violence

Like in the movie, gaslighting is a form of abuse that makes the victim doubt their own memory and perception of reality. Gaslighting may be hard to detect because neither party may even realize that it is going on and, even if the abuser does know what they are doing, they will cover it up with lies. Gaslighters can be very charismatic and make everyone around them believe that their victim really is crazy and may even believe every word they say.

A gaslighter will play on their victim’s worse fears, their most anxious thoughts and deepest wishes to be understood and loved. A gaslighter is usually someone the victim trusts and who the victim seeks approval from, otherwise what they say or do doesn’t matter.

A gaslighter is usually driven by their own need to feel powerful and safe and has to feel they are right and they have to get their victim to agree with them. The victim idolizes the gaslighter and will be desperate for their approval even if they do not consciously realize it. Even if a little part of the victim believes that they are not good enough by themselves, they are susceptible to gaslighting.

The really sad thing about gaslighting is that it is so readily acceptable in today’s society. If you don’ believe me, turn on most of today’s talk shows. You are almost guaranteed to see some version of it. “I’m not cheating on you, you are cheating on me,” or, “I’ve been lying to you for the past ten years…I’m really a woman,” are common themes in these shows and, they do it because they know people will watch the shows.

If you are a victim of this kind of abuse, bring it to the gaslighter’s attention. If they deny it or are unwilling to change, cut them out of your life and get some help. If the person is willing to change and they honestly don’t know what they are doing, give them ONE chance to change. If they don’t change, don’t trust them again. No matter what, remember that you are not crazy and that, given time, you will be able to move on and be all right.

How a narcissist uses introjection and projection

http://www.helium.com/items/1269517-introjection-and-projection-techniques-of-the-narcissist-npd-how-to-recognize-narcissistic-abuse

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I may have to google that.

I just did.

I was in a relationship a while back where a rare nights out with a few friends caused much trauma. It got so that it wasn't worth the hassle. I haven't seen those lads for years. Though I did get out of the relationship - probably much too late.

I just wanted to meet a nice girl who wasn't crazy! ;)

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I just did.

I was in a relationship a while back where a rare nights out with a few friends caused much trauma. It got so that it wasn't worth the hassle. I haven't seen those lads for years. Though I did get out of the relationship - probably much too late.

I just wanted to meet a nice girl who wasn't crazy! ;)

You should get back into contact with the blokes and go for a bevvy.

As for the second bit - good luck !! Although there are some good uns out there.

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I just did.

I was in a relationship a while back where a rare nights out with a few friends caused much trauma. It got so that it wasn't worth the hassle. I haven't seen those lads for years. Though I did get out of the relationship - probably much too late.

I just wanted to meet a nice girl who wasn't crazy! ;)

This may be of help tinker - https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/a-shrink-for-men-index/

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Mine beats me and makes my life a misery, but she does let me shit on her face and rub it in, so I guess it's give and take.

Fair play...

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  • 337 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

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