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Madoff Pleads Guilty To Not Being A Bank

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From the Daily Mash:

FRAUDSTER Bernard Madoff yesterday pled guilty to not realising he should just have turned his failed investment firm into a bank.

Madoff, the former darling of Wall Street, told a New York court he was 'deeply sorry and ashamed' for being prosecuted when it would have been so much easier to have been bailed out.

He added: "When I heard about the huge amounts of public money being given to banks I suddenly thought 'oh shit'.

"You know that feeling you get when you've totally ballsed it up and you're just like, 'shit, shitty, shit, shit'. It was a bit like that."

Tom Logan, scams analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: "Bernard Madoff was taking money in, telling everyone that everything was okay and then, when the financial crisis hit, he ran out of money. Sounds eerily familiar doesn't it?

"After studying his business model very carefully I have concluded that the key difference between Madoff and the banks is the word 'bank'.

"If his company had been called Halifax Bank of Madoff or the Royal Bank of Madoff, he'd now be enjoying his retirement and laughing at all those people who wanted him to give up his pension."

Logan added: "All he had to do was open a couple of branches, stick a cash machine in the post office and get his staff to appear in a series of unwatchable adverts set to ghastly music.

"And when things got really bad he could always just have asked Gordon Brown to find him a big, stupid arsehole of a bank to merge with."

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Guest sillybear2

So true, Madoff was a dick, he should have converted himself into a bank holding company after the fact :-



Other alternatives for legally being allowed to operate a ponzi scheme is to call yourself a "municipal pension fund" or a "central bank".

Failing that, Madoff should have kept enough money aside to bribe congress as and when needed, for example if he stuffed enough $100 bills into enough hookers g-strings / politicians pockets they'd do anything. They'd vote through the "uncle sam & apple pie dynamic youth job creation employment and set capitalism free act" to relegalise child labour, Chim Chim Cher-ee eh?

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