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Right, Sod It, I'm Going Into The Tat Business

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Read a couple of stories in the Telegraph today about modern art and the staggering amounts of money you get for complete crap.

£120K for some ceramic beads

Van Gough's sunflowers are turning brown

So, 100kg of ceramic beads are expected to sell for £120K to some Chinese people. The article also mentions that some old wood panneling with paint peeling off it is likely to fetch £7m.

Van Goughs sunflowers painting, which is worth millions, is losing it's colour and going brown which surely means it's faulty (or more likely, just at the end of its life) yet it will still change hands for millions, no doubt, if ever sold.

I think I shall now set my self up as a mdern artist, produce some pointless shit and see how much I can make off it. I might even call my self a "purveyor of utter crap to the pretentiously minted" and see if that bigs up my prices a touch.

Question is, what will my first project be? I used to have a broken glass coffee table which I stupidly took to the local tip whereas I should have bunged it in the next Sothebys sale with a £50K reserve. Bugger!

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Read a couple of stories in the Telegraph today about modern art and the staggering amounts of money you get for complete crap.

£120K for some ceramic beads

Van Gough's sunflowers are turning brown

So, 100kg of ceramic beads are expected to sell for £120K to some Chinese people. The article also mentions that some old wood panneling with paint peeling off it is likely to fetch £7m.

Van Goughs sunflowers painting, which is worth millions, is losing it's colour and going brown which surely means it's faulty (or more likely, just at the end of its life) yet it will still change hands for millions, no doubt, if ever sold.

I think I shall now set my self up as a mdern artist, produce some pointless shit and see how much I can make off it. I might even call my self a "purveyor of utter crap to the pretentiously minted" and see if that bigs up my prices a touch.

Question is, what will my first project be? I used to have a broken glass coffee table which I stupidly took to the local tip whereas I should have bunged it in the next Sothebys sale with a £50K reserve. Bugger!

Here's some tips for your next venture.

Look and learn

Oh and good luck

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Yes, the Harry Enfield thing popped into my head just after I'd posted.

Those sketches are actually so near the truth it's scary.

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I know someone who used to sell canvases on ebay - painted but with a roller in bold colours.... Sells them as a triptych...

He was a serious artist too mind you but found ebay was the place to sell to the masses... and crap was what they wanted.

Think argos have the three panel artwork stuff too.

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I know someone who used to sell canvases on ebay - painted but with a roller in bold colours.... Sells them as a triptych...

He was a serious artist too mind you but found ebay was the place to sell to the masses... and crap was what they wanted.

Think argos have the three panel artwork stuff too.

I want to sell stuff which is genuine shit though; stuff which everyone can see is utterly pointless crap - like those stupid ceramic beads - or that ugly slappers unmade bed, yet which rich people pay tons for. The "artists" who produce the above mentioned crap still push this front that they are "serious" artists and that people really need to give them vast amounts of wedge for their shit and keep this front up even to the plebs like you and me who can see it for the crap which it is. Moreover, they even seem to believe their own hype that their crap is actually worth buying.

Take Michael Moore and his "documentaries" as an opposite example though. They are actually no such thing, they're just propaganda pieces for pushing his lefty tendencies so he can afford to maintain his champagne socialist life style. I'm convinced that in 20 years time (if he lives that long and doesn't die of rampant obeseity) he's going to announce that his entire carreer was a big con job and that he's actually an active member of the Klan or something.

I just want to be straight from the outset that I'm producing pointless tat because I think even saying it won't make the plums that buy that sort of stuff actually believe it. They'll continue to kid themselves that they are buying into the lifestyle and will either assume that the "tat" line is just a clever angle to the art its self or, more likely, they'll convince them selves that they know even better than the artist and are getting such a bargain they just won't be able to stop them selves.

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Eat lots of sugar puffs, take a big white canvass and pi$$ on it. Then get a really w@nky hair cut, smoke a pipe and insult people. You'll be a star.

It doesn't work like that. The whole thing is a closed system perpetuated by insiders. There are two types of people involved - stupid people with too much money who genuinely believe this stuff is 'art' and worth investing in, and people who know it's all rubbish but won't admit it because their livelihood depends on it. They very jealously guard this industry and anyone trying to gatecrash it will be spotted a mile off. A few years ago a group of artists called the Stuckists tried to, and couldn't manage it because the art world elite were able to make out they were philistines etc. It's like trying to point out that the BBC has a left wing bias - the luvvies just close ranks and make out that butter wouldn't melt....

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I've got to put my hand up to buying artwork from ebay. I was looking for some original graffiti type art that was cheap, as I have a very limited budget for such things, but found the stuff on offer too stylised, then I came across a guy called Tim from Unikprodukt.

Have to say you'll either love or hate his work. Some of my friends can't work out if it's me or the artist that's barking mad :D which is precisely what I wanted; artwork that provokes a reaction rather than some pastoral scenes that fade into the walls. I love his work and have five of his pieces and will be buying more. Each piece has a unique narrative on the back.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/unikprodukt

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Unikprodukt-Urban-Street-Art-Graffiti-Original-Canvas-/190504000734?pt=UK_art_Paintings_GL&hash=item2c5aec5cde

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A good piece of advice my art master at school gave me was 'never judge a work of art by how much people are prepared to pay for it'. Another good one, told to me by Charles Thomson who founded the anti-conceptual art 'Stuckist' movement was, 'if it wasn't in an art gallery, would you still recognise it as art?' Eg, Tracey Emin's bed is only 'art' because it's in a big white room fawned over by Torquil and Cassandra from Barnsbury. Put it on a skip (where it belongs IMO ) and nobody would give it a second glance. If people really admire rubbish art, that's fine by me but I reserve the right to laugh at it!

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A good piece of advice my art master at school gave me was 'never judge a work of art by how much people are prepared to pay for it'. Another good one, told to me by Charles Thomson who founded the anti-conceptual art 'Stuckist' movement was, 'if it wasn't in an art gallery, would you still recognise it as art?' Eg, Tracey Emin's bed is only 'art' because it's in a big white room fawned over by Torquil and Cassandra from Barnsbury. Put it on a skip (where it belongs IMO ) and nobody would give it a second glance. If people really admire rubbish art, that's fine by me but I reserve the right to laugh at it!

Watch Brian Badonde as an art critic.It's on Youtube.

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  • 276 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?


      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%



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