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Prescience

Joke Of The Week!

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In order to lighten the current Doom and Gloom of reality, about time we enjoyed some good humor.

TEN BEST CADDIE REMARKS:

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so, that would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too

much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1 Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

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Shamelessly borrowed from another forum..

When Love Fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or fish?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, I was talking to the cat."

This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had

been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:

'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:

'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:

'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:

So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:

'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:

'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:

'Excuse me?'

Family Member:

'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'

ANZ:

'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:

'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January..'

ANZ:

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:

'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:

(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:

'No, I'm her great nephew.'

(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:

'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:

'Sure.'

( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:

'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:

'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:

'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:

'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:

'That might help.'

Family Member:

'Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.'

ANZ:

'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:

'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

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A midget walks into a library, goes to the desk and asks, 'Do you have any books on irony?'

The librarian answers, 'They're over there, on the top shelf.'

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Future Topical (you heard it here first folks):

Person 1 : "Is it true that Gaddafi has left Tripoli?"

Person 2 : "No, just the once."

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whats Blue and smells like red paint?

Blue Paint

what do you call an irish woman with two c*nts.........

Jedwards mum!

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A midget walks into a library, goes to the desk and asks, 'Do you have any books on irony?'

The librarian answers, 'They're over there, on the top shelf.'

Nice one!

Email containing these was circulated in work recently:

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS (National Health Service) Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

29. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

30. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

31. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITAL!!

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  • 312 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?


      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%



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