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Estate Agent Euphemisms


bumpy

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HOLA441
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HOLA442

Viewing is highly recommended on this 4 Bedroom Extended Mid Terrace House with Loft Room and ground floor kitchen extention. The property consists: porch leading to open plan through lounge/dining room, modern kitchen and downstairs shower room with WC. To the first floor are three bedrooms and ...

Where the feck do you expect the kitchen to be.

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HOLA443

Land Estates are pleased to introduce this 'Three' Bedroom modern style property situated in the West Dartford area. The accommodation consists of the following: Lounge, Kitchen, Bathroom, First Floor WC and three Bedrooms. Other benefits are Double Glazing, GCH, and a Garage. Within 1 mil (cont.)

http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/find.html?locationIdentifier=OUTCODE^589&insId=1&maxPrice=200000&minBedrooms=2&displayPropertyType=houses&oldDisplayPropertyType=houses&index=40

I love the inverted commas around the 'three' The room is six by nine feet.

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HOLA446

For we rural types:

"Idyllic" : Isolated

"Good access to motorway network" ; You wont get a job round here.

"converted barn/school/chapel"; overpriced for size and having undergone architectural contortions to get bedrooms and living areas into the building's shape.

"within reach of" no shops anwhere near the house.

Y

Good access to motorway network means the back garden backs onto the hard sholder.

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HOLA4410
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HOLA4413

Phone call from agent saying "Calling you personally with this new instruction that we haven't marketed yet" = Calling everyone on our books in an attempt to get viewings as no one would want to see it if you saw photos.

Not quiet a saying but an action:

Photos on marketing material show distant shots of outside and garden - House is like a sewer scene inside, complete with vermin, total dump, but from a distance the outside might get you interested.

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HOLA4414

"my proven track record in a high pressure sales environment proves me to be an ideal candidate for the role of sanitation facilitator" = 10 years of selling to people who were falling over themselves to hand me borrowed cash has abrubtly stopped. Realising i have no talent greater than the ability to wipe my own 'arris, combined with a shallow grabbing wife, has left me desperate for employment as a bog-troll in your seedy nightclub.

Edited by sbn
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HOLA4420

"Architect designed"

Flat roof, ugly white stucco and overly large windows that allow heat to escape.

"Modern"

c. 1960.

"Fitted Kitchen"

Cabinets screwed onto the walls.

"Premium Listing"

No one has viewed it yet

"Opportunity to aquire"

Its for sale.

Edited by Realistbear
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HOLA4425

"And this is the kitchen"

means..you are too stupid to know its a kitchen

And on a related note :

Kitchen area = kitchen

Dining area = dining room

Sitting area = sitting room

Entrance area = entrance

Garden area = garden

Garage area = garage

etc ....

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