juvenal Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) "Close to all amenites" means 24 hr off-license and burger bar within 50 metres. "Close to schools": True, but not the ones you want your kids to attend unarmed. Edited January 21, 2011 by juvenal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freeholder Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Viewing is highly recommended on this 4 Bedroom Extended Mid Terrace House with Loft Room and ground floor kitchen extention. The property consists: porch leading to open plan through lounge/dining room, modern kitchen and downstairs shower room with WC. To the first floor are three bedrooms and ... Where the feck do you expect the kitchen to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freeholder Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Land Estates are pleased to introduce this 'Three' Bedroom modern style property situated in the West Dartford area. The accommodation consists of the following: Lounge, Kitchen, Bathroom, First Floor WC and three Bedrooms. Other benefits are Double Glazing, GCH, and a Garage. Within 1 mil (cont.) http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/find.html?locationIdentifier=OUTCODE^589&insId=1&maxPrice=200000&minBedrooms=2&displayPropertyType=houses&oldDisplayPropertyType=houses&index=40 I love the inverted commas around the 'three' The room is six by nine feet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
numpty Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Tired - Grim In need of TLC - Very Grim In need of modernisation - Very very grim In need of complete renovation - Hard hat and high visibility jacket required on viewing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyperduck Quack Quack Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 A good one in my local paper this week. There's a flood of new instructions in the EA ads section, all of a sudden. One EA had so many that some were labelled 'new instruction' and some were labelled 'first advert' !!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonb Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 For we rural types: "Idyllic" : Isolated "Good access to motorway network" ; You wont get a job round here. "converted barn/school/chapel"; overpriced for size and having undergone architectural contortions to get bedrooms and living areas into the building's shape. "within reach of" no shops anwhere near the house. Y Good access to motorway network means the back garden backs onto the hard sholder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freeholder Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Retains many period peatures. Lead pipes, cloth/rubber electrical insulation insulation etc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winkie Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 ...I love this thread........do EA and vendors think we are that stupid to believe all their ramping and lies...what lengths people go to to get a sale. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuckyOne Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Close to transport links = railway line in your back garden Conveniently located for air travel = under the flight path to an airport Convenient motorway links = a 24 hour traffic drone Up and coming area = crime infested Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thecrashingisles Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Loft-style apartment = Badly converted workshop Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PbroAgent Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 "Viewing Essential" - Crime ridden neighbourhood, but it has illuminated twigs. I accidentally knocked someones twigs over the other day Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winkie Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I accidentally knocked someones twigs over the other day Link. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jplevene Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Phone call from agent saying "Calling you personally with this new instruction that we haven't marketed yet" = Calling everyone on our books in an attempt to get viewings as no one would want to see it if you saw photos. Not quiet a saying but an action: Photos on marketing material show distant shots of outside and garden - House is like a sewer scene inside, complete with vermin, total dump, but from a distance the outside might get you interested. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbn Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) "my proven track record in a high pressure sales environment proves me to be an ideal candidate for the role of sanitation facilitator" = 10 years of selling to people who were falling over themselves to hand me borrowed cash has abrubtly stopped. Realising i have no talent greater than the ability to wipe my own 'arris, combined with a shallow grabbing wife, has left me desperate for employment as a bog-troll in your seedy nightclub. Edited January 22, 2011 by sbn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juvenal Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) "Compact, easily-maintained garden" = window box full of pea gravel. Edited January 22, 2011 by juvenal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbn Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 "please help .... 50p and I can get a bed for the night" = Please try and hock up an extra large dockyard oyster for my delectation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perishabull Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 "Charming" = Tiny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bumpy Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 "Semi attached" = end of terrace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloo Loo Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I thought the thread was about Estate Agent Euthanism. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realistbear Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) "Architect designed" Flat roof, ugly white stucco and overly large windows that allow heat to escape. "Modern" c. 1960. "Fitted Kitchen" Cabinets screwed onto the walls. "Premium Listing" No one has viewed it yet "Opportunity to aquire" Its for sale. Edited January 22, 2011 by Realistbear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winkie Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I take it you won't be buying one like that then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bumpy Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 "Stylish radiator covers throughout." = radiators are old and rusty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bumpy Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 "Box room" = cupboard Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloo Loo Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 "And this is the kitchen" means..you are too stupid to know its a kitchen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuckyOne Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 "And this is the kitchen" means..you are too stupid to know its a kitchen And on a related note : Kitchen area = kitchen Dining area = dining room Sitting area = sitting room Entrance area = entrance Garden area = garden Garage area = garage etc .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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