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Osborne To Stop Bank Bonuses With Angry Poem

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'Rejecting claims the government had 'thrown in the towel' on City pay, Osborne said that when his poem was finished nothing would ever be the same again.

He told MPs: "This time next week we will be living in a new world, a world where everything is fair and everyone is nice. We will be living in the world of my poem.

"There comes a time in every statesman's career when he is faced with an issue so great that responding with new legislation is demeaning for everyone concerned. It is at times such as these when he sits at his writing desk, picks up his pen and lets loose the tiger that stands guard over his soul.

"Would you like to hear a little bit of it?"

The chancellor then reached into his jacket, pulled out a piece of paper, cleared his throat and said: "Fat greedy piggy and his trough full of money. Oink oink, piggy, your nose is all runny." He then bowed his head before the hushed Commons chamber, folded the paper and put it back in his pocket.

As members on all sides got to their feet and began cheering, a triumphant Mr Osborne shouted above the noise: "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to not write poetry!"

The Treasury later stressed the poem was the 'nuclear option' after a series of initiatives including writing to the UK's senior investment bankers and asking them how they would like their bonuses to be taxed.

A spokesman said: "He also met several of them in person and asked whether they could pay themselves slightly less money, but unfortunately they said 'no'.

"They were very nice about it and pushed him really hard against the wall so that his face was all scrunched up, before threatening to move their businesses to Bahrain and turn Britain into a slave labour camp/whorehouse for Chinese gangsters.

"Thank goodness we now have the poem."


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"Lets get tough, the time for talking is over. Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major, and I mean major leaflet campaign.

And while its reeling from that, we follow up with a whist drive, a car boot sale, some street theatre, and possibly some benefit concerts. OK?"

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