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Furious Mugabe Slams Imf

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by our man in Harare

Robert "Laughing Bob" Mugabe has slammed the International Monetary Fund for not doing enough for the developing world, and Zimbabwe in particular. Speaking from a throne of beaten gold, his buttocks gently supported by cushions lovingly fashioned from the skin of non Zanu-PF voters, Mugabe slammed the organisation as "willed by the big powers which dictate what it should do".

"Look around you," said Mugabe, vacating his chair so that lackeys might scrabble around down the back for any loose change with which to settle Zimbabwe's outstanding interest payments on the £2.5bn it borrowed from the IMF. "We have thousands of homeless, displaced citizens whose very futures depend on our ability to maintain our fleet of Mercedes Benz stretch limos. Have you got any idea how much a new clutch for a Merc is these days?"

Zimbabwe's plight is grim indeed. Mugabe showed our shocked correspondent a grounded Lear Jet — consigned to its hanger for a lack of suitable upholsery cleaner. "Once the leather is soiled," lamented Mugabe, "it is virtually impossible to shift the stains without expensive American hide restorer. I weep for my people."

In the presidential palace, our tour continued in Mugabe's private bathroom where a dripping gold tap had gone unrepaired for three months "because the bloke wants 60 quid just to come and look at it and where am I going to get that sort of money, eh?" as a grim-faced Mugabe explained.

The list goes on: friends and family down to their last 200 sets of pure Egyptian cotton sheets and pillowcases; Mugabe's vintage champagne reserves reduced to 2,000 personalised bottles of Le Roi d'Afrique after French booze and arms suppliers cut off credit to the troubled nation; 70 pairs of hand-made Italian shoes still in their boxes for a lack of shoehorns; and teams of bleary-eyed Zanu-PF operatives reduced to scouring eBay on dial-up connections for second-hand bulldozers and vitally-needed munitions.

Fascist imperialist running dog lackeys," thundered Mugabe, before asking our man if he can borrow a tenner "until the next IMF loan giro turns up". Offered twenty and "pay me when you can", the president's mood immediately cheered. "Let's take a spin in my new helicopter," he chirped. "I'll show you how our slum clearance programme is going."

Rockall Times

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  • 301 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?

      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%

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