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goldilocksporridge

Anyone Regret Divorce?

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Anyone who got divorced ever look back - and wished they had tried harder to keep the marriage going or are blissfully glad you got out of from the marriage.

I wonder how many people are in marriages - just because of the shame of divorce, social convention, kids, financial issues - and just can't be bothered with the hassle of getting divorced. You know sometimes when your married you lose a sense of self, of being individual you were when you were single without having to compromise/argue on things - you can't please yourself as much.

Or has anyone got divorced and felt like life is not all the brilliant being single as they thought it would be , and surely financially its tougher being single, and tougher with work - and its not as easy finding lets say desirable partners as you thought it would be when you were married. But then if a marriage is bad then perhaps being single is preferable to a miserable marriage.

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My thoughts exactly; what gives Goldilocks?

For my part; married for a relatively short time (three years) so far. Ironically, coming from a broken home means that I wouldn't countenance the idea of divorce regardless of how tricky things got - whether that is a good thing is subjective.

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You know sometimes when your married you lose a sense of self, of being individual you were when you were single without having to compromise/argue on things - you can't please yourself as much.

You could overcome this by locking yourself in the bathroom and pretending you've gone for a lengthy number 2.

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If you don't regret the breakup of any long-term relationship, let alone a marriage, then it can be a sign of a lack of empathy.

Alas, usually by the time that relationships come to divorce there is so much anger, so much bitterness and so little communication that people often forget the good times - there was a period, presumably, when the couple loved one another, chased one another and had many good times.

Often forgetting the good times not only does disservice to the other person but also to yourself... but it is easier said than done when someone is hurting.

Unfortunately, a sizeable number of people lack empathy and they can simply block a long-term partner, ex-lover or ex-spouse out of their lives as if the relationship never happened. This can often be very hurtful for the other person but, in truth, it just shows that the person with a lack of empathy is pretty fecked up and you are much, much better to be rid of them from your life.

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You could overcome this by locking yourself in the bathroom and pretending you've gone for a lengthy number 2.

perhaps you got the wrong idea by saying "please yourself" I mean't in the general sense of being your own person, own views - and doing exactly what you want.

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If you don't regret the breakup of any long-term relationship, let alone a marriage, then it can be a sign of a lack of empathy.

Alas, usually by the time that relationships come to divorce there is so much anger, so much bitterness and so little communication that people often forget the good times - there was a period, presumably, when the couple loved one another, chased one another and had many good times.

Often forgetting the good times not only does disservice to the other person but also to yourself... but it is easier said than done when someone is hurting.

Unfortunately, a sizeable number of people lack empathy and they can simply block a long-term partner, ex-lover or ex-spouse out of their lives as if the relationship never happened. This can often be very hurtful for the other person but, in truth, it just shows that the person with a lack of empathy is pretty fecked up and you are much, much better to be rid of them from your life.

had a long term relationship before that broke up- and looking back in hindsight it was for best, but at the time I could not see it - sometimes relationships blinker us to the outside world.

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had a long term relationship before that broke up- and looking back in hindsight it was for best, but at the time I could not see it - sometimes relationships blinker us to the outside world.

Yes, it can be very painful and the pain can last a lifetime. But it is also a learning opportunity - a life lesson from which to learn and grow.

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Yes, it can be very painful and the pain can last a lifetime. But it is also a learning opportunity - a life lesson from which to learn and grow.

Sort of carrying on from the psychics / medium thread a few days ago, do you believe that there are "stages" of a soul? - that we are hear to grow our soul during each cycle of life?

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Sort of carrying on from the psychics / medium thread a few days ago, do you believe that there are "stages" of a soul? - that we are hear to grow our soul during each cycle of life?

I think it is a possibility.

My beliefs are constantly changing and evolving. I have many thoughts and ideas on our existence, why we are here, etc, and, yes, what you suggest is one possibility that I have put much consideration into.

And after your death, when most of you for the first time realize what life here is all about, you will begin to see that your life here is almost nothing but the sum total of every choice you have made during every moment of your life. Your thoughts, which you are responsible for, are as real as your deeds. You will begin to realize that every word and every deed affects your life and has also touched thousands of lives. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

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I think it is a possibility.

My beliefs are constantly changing and evolving. I have many thoughts and ideas on our existence, why we are here, etc, and, yes, what you suggest is one possibility that I have put much consideration into.

I remember reading something (quite possibly in the Daily Mail (shudder)), that your soul goes through a number of stages, until it reaches a stage of perfection (or something like that). Once it reaches this level, you don't need to reincarnate any further, because you have no more life lessons to learn....

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I remember reading something (quite possibly in the Daily Mail (shudder)), that your soul goes through a number of stages, until it reaches a stage of perfection (or something like that), so you don't need to reincarnate any further, because you have no more life lessons to learn....

That is one school of thought and it is something that many Asian faiths believe in. Buddhists, for example. Many Spiritualist also believe this.

There are probably as many possibilities as there are stars in the Universe. Perhaps each journey is different for each of us.

Perhaps we are some group consciousnes, or God, trying to understand its own creation?

Perhaps we are perfect beings who need to remind ourselves of imperfection?

Perhaps each of us lives the life of every man and woman on the planet in existence ever - but due to our own souls we live each version of that person's life differently.

There are so many possibilities.

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That is one school of thought and it is something that many Asian faiths believe in. Buddhists, for example. Many Spiritualist also believe this.

There are probably as many possibilities as there are stars in the Universe. Perhaps each journey is different for each of us.

Perhaps we are some group consciousnes, or God, trying to understand its own creation?

Perhaps we are perfect beings who need to remind ourselves of imperfection?

Perhaps each of us lives the life of every man and woman on the planet in existence ever - but due to our own souls we live each version of that person's life differently.

There are so many possibilities.

I'm fairly open minded about this sort of thing. I used to do a bit of reading about NDE's, etc and then I read stuff by Sylvia Browne and it completely put me off. I'm very sceptical about mediums. Some believe that we lose 21 grammes when we die, and they believe that that is our soul leaving our body. Maybe there is something afterwards, maybe their isn't. Is it the brain just tricking us when we lose consciousness(during death) when we are see tunnels and wotnot, or is it actually happening?

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i know what you mean. your quite good at this.

Thank you.

I just went through a really, really cr*ppy time in my life several years back and lucked out by my briliant GP sending me to a brilliant therapist - ex miner turned shrink who was also a buddhist and a practioner of tai chi and yoga.

As a result I read and read and read a great deal of books on pyschology, spirituality and had to come to terms with the fact that the wonderful, gorgeous woman I had dated, who subsequently turned in a complete evil cow, was in fact a full-blown Cluster B Narcissist with strong elements of Munchausens... Quite a shock I can tell you.

I not only had to learn how to spot such people in life going forward but I had to ask myself some really deep, personal questions about why I was attracted to her in the first place and why I let her into my life.... which is both painful but very, very enlightening and liberating...

It was, and is, very much like a jigsaw puzzle. Once you know what the picture is all the pieces quickly fall into place.

One of my life lessons I guess.

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I'm fairly open minded about this sort of thing. I used to do a bit of reading about NDE's, etc and then I read stuff by Sylvia Browne and it completely put me off. I'm very sceptical about mediums. Some believe that we lose 21 grammes when we die, and they believe that that is our soul leaving our body. Maybe there is something afterwards, maybe their isn't. Is it the brain just tricking us when we lose consciousness(during death) when we are see tunnels and wotnot, or is it actually happening?

May I suggest you read 'Lessons from the Light' by Dr. Kenneth Ring. He brought out a new version a few years ago and is well worth reading as a scientific look at NDEs. Quite a remarkable extract in there from a young boy, who was dying, and his conversation with the Dalai Lama.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Lessons-Light-Learn-Near-death-Experience/dp/1930491115/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_1

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I can't put 5 years of working things through and a huge, huge amount of work into an online post.

Suffice to say that I actually did have my dream girl - a former model who, many years previously before I met her, I had fancied her figure, without even knowing her, from several model photographs that I had seen in various places.

It was a number of things - being lonely, hoping for love and friendship, being very stressed at the time and needing help as a carer of my Mother, just needing someone to talk with and be with, thinking that I had found my dream girl... and a few other things.

These things made me highly vulnerable.

But learning about Cluster B Personality Disorders - that such people even existed - and that the grand-daddy and grand-mummy of them all is the Narcissist was the 'moment'.

I had been brought up to turn the other cheek, to give people the benefit of the doubt and, in short, not only does that make you ideal cannon fodder for the Narcissist but, worse, I had to realise and come to terms with the reality that I had had Narcissists in my life from my childhood and even within my own family.

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, in short, have no empathy and they see other Human Beings not just as things to be used and exploited but also as prey. They have a number of documented techniques they use to appear to be the ideal person to someone in order to hook them and reel them in. They find out who your ideal person is and they turn themselves into that person in order to get you - once they believe they have got you they then set about destroying your self-esteem in the most calculating of ways.

So you go from having your dream partner to living with the man or woman from hell - and if you are a decent person, and NPDs only pick on decent and naive people, you go through hell trying to reconcile the wonderful person you first met and had a fantastic time with with the person who is now treating you like a piece of cr*p.

Worse, Narcissists use techniques such as Gaslighting and Projection to lower your self-esteeme by convincing you that ALL the problems are either just in your head or are your fault.

There is no treatment for such people and often the medical advice if you are in a relationship with such a person is to run and not look back. Many shrinks will not treat Narcissists as NPDs often start to abuse the therapist.

However, once the realisation of why things had happened not just in my relationship but throughout my life it was, believe me, like the proverbial penny dropping, the light coming on and every single piece of the jigsaw of my life just slotted into place. I can remember the moment as if it was 5 minutes ago.

May I suggest you read through the first 20 article here and see if you recognise anything:

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/a-shrink-for-men-index/

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I can't put 5 years of working things through and a huge, huge amount of work into an online post.

Suffice to say that I actually did have my dream girl - a former model who, many years previously before I met her, I had fancied her figure, without even knowing her, from several model photographs that I had seen in various places.

It was a number of things - being lonely, hoping for love and friendship, being very stressed at the time and needing help as a carer of my Mother, just needing someone to talk with and be with, thinking that I had found my dream girl... and a few other things.

These things made me highly vulnerable.

But learning about Cluster B Personality Disorders - that such people even existed - and that the grand-daddy and grand-mummy of them all is the Narcissist was the 'moment'.

I had been brought up to turn the other cheek, to give people the benefit of the doubt and, in short, not only does that make you ideal cannon fodder for the Narcissist but, worse, I had to realise and come to terms with the reality that I had had Narcissists in my life from my childhood and even within my own family.

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, in short, have no empathy and they see other Human Beings not just as things to be used and exploited but also as prey. They have a number of documented techniques they use to appear to be the ideal person to someone in order to hook them and reel them in. They find out who your ideal person is and they turn themselves into that person in order to get you - once they believe they have got you they then set about destroying your self-esteem in the most calculating of ways.

So you go from having your dream partner to living with the man or woman from hell - and if you are a decent person, and NPDs only pick on decent and naive people, you go through hell trying to reconcile the wonderful person you first met and had a fantastic time with with the person who is now treating you like a piece of cr*p.

Worse, Narcissists use techniques such as Gaslighting and Projection to lower your self-esteeme by convincing you that ALL the problems are either just in your head or are your fault.

There is no treatment for such people and often the medical advice if you are in a relationship with such a person is to run and not look back. Many shrinks will not treat Narcissists as NPDs often start to abuse the therapist.

However, once the realisation of why things had happened not just in my relationship but throughout my life it was, believe me, like the proverbial penny dropping, the light coming on and every single piece of the jigsaw of my life just slotted into place. I can remember the moment as if it was 5 minutes ago.

May I suggest you read through the first 20 article here and see if you recognise anything:

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/a-shrink-for-men-index/

thanks man.

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Having been married more than once, there are different possible replies.

I personally think 'don't look back' is the way to go.

Agree with Masked Tulip that there is something not entirely right with 'memory wiping' a former person in your life. But that person can usually continue to be either a destructive force or a pointless emotional drain.

Plenty has been written about the 'baggage' that people carry into new relationships. Dwelling on the past is usually the biggest cause of present failure and stopping you getting on with your life.

Not a lot wrong with that Paul Simon song, '50 ways to leave your lover'.

'Hop on the bus, Gus

No need to discuss much,

Drop off the key, Lee

And get yourself free'

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Someone said to me once; "How can you hate someone you once loved?" So true, it is not that you hate them it is you hate the feelings you have and the situation you are in....nobody lives the perfect life, if it is not one thing it will be another, facing real life problems and upsets will make you overall a stronger person so better prepared to face the future and anything life may throw at you....the best way of dealing with hurt and anger is with forgiveness, we are all human, we are all fallible, we all make mistakes. ;)

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Hmmm. Is this place anonymous enough to go into real detail? No it isn't.

Never actually married, but do still have big regrets about splitting up with my long-ago ex. She left me, but I can't blame her: my younger self had become (in retrospect) pretty impossible to live with.

Getting on-topic for HPC, I blame the housing market at the time. As the man of the house I had become obsessed about getting us somewhere half-decent to live. Not looking for luxury: just getting back to the standard we'd enjoyed in student digs would've been a big improvement. But it was clearly not going to be possible in London for the then-foreseeable future. In fact, desperately wanted to get on that elusive 'ladder', not least because a mortgage would've been a whole lot cheaper than rent, if only they weren't so strict on salary multiples back then ...

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  • 142 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?


      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%



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