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TheBlueCat

Now I'm An Unpaid Relationship Councilor

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I've had a mate over from the UK visiting Toronto for a few days and, for reasons I can figure out, he seems to think I'm qualified to offer advice on his long standingly crappy marriage. He's been with his wife - who is also a friend - for nearly twenty years and hasn't ever exactly been happy except for briefly a few years back when they had a kid. Basically I think they got married too quickly, probably on the rebound from failed relationships, and have regretted it ever since. Now he tells me he's met the woman of his dreams and is considering walking out on his mrs to be with her instead. I didn't want to go into details but I gather that he hasn't been physically unfaithful so far although, if you're a believer in the Sermon on the Mount, he's already committed adultery.

Anyway, the point is, how the hell should I know what he should do and why do people think that friends can do much beyond listening and sounding sympathetic in these sorts of situations? There's just too many unknowns for anyone to be able to make any judgement! Alright, if this new woman really is his perfect match (and she feels the same about him) then maybe he should walk away from 20 years of sunk costs for his possibly one chance at true happiness - you only live once after all. On the other hand, he might end up just as miserable with her after a year or so then he's back where he started but poorer. On the other hand, his wife could walk out on him next year for all I know. Flip a god-damned coin why not?

Sorry, I've just had three days of this and it's nearly driven me crazy.

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I've had a mate over from the UK visiting Toronto for a few days and, for reasons I can figure out, he seems to think I'm qualified to offer advice on his long standingly crappy marriage.

...

Sorry, I've just had three days of this and it's nearly driven me crazy.

Whatever you do don't be drawn into criticising his wife, always emphasise her positives - as there is a real chance they stay together.

All you can do if you care about your friendship is help him work it through and make up his own mind. You can make that process as short or as long as you like, including taking his mind off it for a while. If he's being a self-indulgent drip, it's your duty to make that clear to him. You could even tell him that professionals are paid to listen to this crap.

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Sometimes people just need someone to talk at while they make their own minds up .

That's often the case.

Best to just let them pour out their troubles and chip in with the odd comment.

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but him a Fosters Lager. thats what they do on UK Ads....the Fosters boys offer advice on everything....must be the beer.

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Guest Absolutely Fabulous

It IS difficult to have to listen to endless talk about summat, without venturing an opinion. Don't take sides or - as JY says - criticise his wife. But don't extol her virtues either. You haven't lived with her so can't know what the truth of it all is. If he has gone 20 years without leaving her and now proclaims he's found the love of his life. I would have my doubts about him. If there are no children involved and he's stayed with his wife, there is more to all this than is being revealed.

He may want a change for anyone of a dozen reasons.

Either way, have ANYthing to do with his split and you'll be the villain, when it all goes south, as it well might.

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Guest Skinty

He also has to figure out whether he really loves this other woman that much more or whether he's just comparing new exciting and dangerous love to established one that's settled into a routine.

He needs to question whether he really has found his soul mate, which is quite possible. After all, people always seem to jump into relationships too quickly rather than wait for the right person. Or whether this woman is the kind of woman who is quite OK about breaking up an established marriage. If it's the latter then it doesn't bode well for their long term relationship,.

These are only questions that he can answer and he can only do that by being honest with himself.

Alternatively, get him to put both women in a mud pit and demand that they fight for him.

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Alternatively, get him to put both women in a mud pit and demand that they fight for him.

Would you do that for your man?

<Henry Blofeld voice on>

How lovely.

<Henry Blofeld voice off>

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when he says something turn it into a question:

I dont like my wife, why dont you like your wife? etc etc, you will be charging thousands an hour within days...

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when he says something turn it into a question:

I dont like my wife, why dont you like your wife? etc etc, you will be charging thousands an hour within days...

They say you can get to the root of any issue with 7 questions, each related to the answer to the prior question. 3 is often enough.

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I've had a mate over from the UK visiting Toronto for a few days and, for reasons I can figure out, he seems to think I'm qualified to offer advice on his long standingly crappy marriage. He's been with his wife - who is also a friend - for nearly twenty years and hasn't ever exactly been happy except for briefly a few years back when they had a kid. Basically I think they got married too quickly, probably on the rebound from failed relationships, and have regretted it ever since. Now he tells me he's met the woman of his dreams and is considering walking out on his mrs to be with her instead. I didn't want to go into details but I gather that he hasn't been physically unfaithful so far although, if you're a believer in the Sermon on the Mount, he's already committed adultery.

Anyway, the point is, how the hell should I know what he should do and why do people think that friends can do much beyond listening and sounding sympathetic in these sorts of situations? There's just too many unknowns for anyone to be able to make any judgement! Alright, if this new woman really is his perfect match (and she feels the same about him) then maybe he should walk away from 20 years of sunk costs for his possibly one chance at true happiness - you only live once after all. On the other hand, he might end up just as miserable with her after a year or so then he's back where he started but poorer. On the other hand, his wife could walk out on him next year for all I know. Flip a god-damned coin why not?

Sorry, I've just had three days of this and it's nearly driven me crazy.

And now you come on here and want all of us to become unpaid relationship councilors..

You do realise you are just doing exactly the same as he is. :)

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Guest Absolutely Fabulous

And now you come on here and want all of us to become unpaid relationship councilors..

You do realise you are just doing exactly the same as he is. smile.gif

I know all about that as, when I was in private practice, people seemed to prefer to go to a free NHS Claire Rayner type than get the real McCoy with me. 7 years of relevant training and God knows how many updates, not to mention a coupla decades of experience.

I did work for an employee assistance set-up but there wasn' much call for it where I lived. They seemed to prefer pills and whatever was on offer at the GP surgery. Freebies at the point of contact.

Also, People wil pay a hairdresser a small fortune to fix their hair, but not to fix the inside of their heads.rolleyes.gif

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I know all about that as, when I was in private practice, people seemed to prefer to go to a free NHS Claire Rayner type than get the real McCoy with me. 7 years of relevant training and God knows how many updates, not to mention a coupla decades of experience.

I did work for an employee assistance set-up but there wasn' much call for it where I lived. They seemed to prefer pills and whatever was on offer at the GP surgery. Freebies at the point of contact.

Also, People wil pay a hairdresser a small fortune to fix their hair, but not to fix the inside of their heads.rolleyes.gif

I am sure for some people chatting to a shrink/professional would be useful. However for myself I think it is a waste of time. Same for many others. Only one person can fix the inside of your head. Only one person has access to it and control over it.

May as well ask a mechanic to fix your car when he can't even open the bonnet.

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Some interesting replies here, thanks. I tried the drinking suggestion which is what got the whole thing started to begin with although I'm sure it would have come out anyway. As far as I can tell the other woman has kept her distance and is holding the line of 'I think you're great but sort your marriage issues out before we do anything other than meet socially' so I think she probably is a decent type. She also, I suspect, earns plenty given her occupation so I don't think there's any kind of gold digging at play. Like several people suggested, I'm being entirely non-judgemental and, although I've always found his wife a bit irritating if I'm honest, I've avoided expressing any opinions of that sort. The kid's 7 I think.

And yes, I'm now doing relationship councilling by proxy. :)

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Either way, have ANYthing to do with his split and you'll be the villain, when it all goes south, as it well might.

Yep. You'll end up getting the blame for any decision that he makes....That's normally the case...

Or..another option is to get the wife and the bit on the side to wrestle in a ring full of Honey & Marmite...

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Impossible to offer an opinion without a link to both women in question.

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Guest Absolutely Fabulous

I am sure for some people chatting to a shrink/professional would be useful. However for myself I think it is a waste of time. Same for many others. Only one person can fix the inside of your head. Only one person has access to it and control over it.

May as well ask a mechanic to fix your car when he can't even open the bonnet.

A good mechanic can diagnose a cr by listen to the way it 'turns over'. Hmmm. Car mechanics not your strong point?

As to the fixing the heads, I guessed someone would pedantically seize on that - as it was a pun about hair dressers.

I did not fix heads. I enabled people to find out what they want, I 'facilitated' their self-enlightenment.cool.gif

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  • 244 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?


      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%



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