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tinker

Witty One-Liners

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OK folks, very shortly I've got to compère a show. It's not my profession but I do it because someone has to do it.

A stage, an audience, lots of acts and several hours to fill...

I need some material.

I'm not a joke teller, more of a might come up with a funny line type, but will I, when the nerves take hold?

So, wise guys and gals... Make me laugh!

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OK folks, very shortly I've got to compère a show. It's not my profession but I do it because someone has to do it.

A stage, an audience, lots of acts and several hours to fill...

I need some material.

I'm not a joke teller, more of a might come up with a funny line type, but will I, when the nerves take hold?

So, wise guys and gals... Make me laugh!

Bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday.

Soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.

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Bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday.

Soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.

Snowflux you surprise me... corny is OK, they'll be lots of kids out front.

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They say you meet audiences twice in your career. Once when you're on the way up; then when you're on the way down.

Hello again....

I've worked this place before. Very tough audience. They were still booing the previous act when I was on....

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Guest Skinty

Rather you than me. Still, only you know what you're like in front of an audience and what you have experience of.l

For example, I can do a presentation easily enough but being a tutor and trying to get a reaction from students is very stressful for me I find.

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Guest Steve Cook

Depression is merely evidence that one has a more realistic grasp of the gravity of the situation

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Guest Steve Cook

I put a bet on a horse at 2 to 1 yesterday

It came in at half past three

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Guest Steve Cook

I started out with nothing and I've still got most of it left

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Serious comment. If you have no stand-up experience, I wouldn't risk 'doing material'. I would announce the acts 'straight', but include any comedy observations that occur to you, generated by the act the audience have just seen. 'What a juggler!! I have a job these days keeping anything up, and I'd just like to apologise to my girlfriend while I'm at it. Which I seldom am these days...

And now, let's have a big welcome for Arthur Bollockchops and his dancing earwigs...' etc

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I started out with nothing and I've still got most of it left

:lol::lol: That's a great line which always makes me laugh.

Ghandi? I knew him when he had **** all!

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OK folks, very shortly I've got to compère a show. It's not my profession but I do it because someone has to do it.

A stage, an audience, lots of acts and several hours to fill...

I need some material.

I'm not a joke teller, more of a might come up with a funny line type, but will I, when the nerves take hold?

So, wise guys and gals... Make me laugh!

'Google' Tommy Cooper scripts, you can't go wrong.

Cooper: Doctor, Doctor, my arm hurts when I hold it up like this...

Doc: Well, dont do it.

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Serious comment. If you have no stand-up experience, I wouldn't risk 'doing material'. I would announce the acts 'straight', but include any comedy observations that occur to you, generated by the act the audience have just seen. 'What a juggler!! I have a job these days keeping anything up, and I'd just like to apologise to my girlfriend while I'm at it. Which I seldom am these days...

And now, let's have a big welcome for Arthur Bollockchops and his dancing earwigs...' etc

I knew I could rely on you people.

I have to keep it clean.

I did it last year, I was OK, waffling to fill the time, I'd like to be funnier.

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Guest Steve Cook

:lol::lol: That's a great line which always makes me laugh.

Ghandi? I knew him when he had **** all!

Reminds me of a similar line. Can't for the life of me remember where from....

"I've slowly worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty"

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Guest Steve Cook

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

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Guest Steve Cook

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

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Guest Steve Cook

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore

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Guest theboltonfury

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Steve, I was laughing at your Monkhouseesque one-liner repetoire. Then I read your post on the other thread when you admitted that you stuck your head to plaster-of-paris.

I'm not laughing now. I'm very worried about your general well being. Is there someone you live with that looks after you?

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  • 259 Brexit, House prices and Summer 2020

    1. 1. Including the effects Brexit, where do you think average UK house prices will be relative to now in June 2020?


      • down 5% +
      • down 2.5%
      • Even
      • up 2.5%
      • up 5%



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