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Please Could You Advise A Woman About To Be Made Homeless

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Hi,

I've got a female friend who is in a terrible situation - she is unmarried, her partner has left her in a deep mess.

She had 3 children from a previous 20year relationship (never married). She then left him (due to his illness which she could no longer cope with) and later on found a partner whom she had a little girl with (3 year old).

They (partner 2 and her) bought a house in joint names (I repeat, they didn't get married).

He, subsequently left her in the house all by herself which she has had to keep afloat using students and lodgers - and he paid towards the house by way of voluntary contributions (apparently he has a drink problem).

Recently, he had a bicycle accident and has been unable to work (he is a film editor). So he hasn't been able to pay towards the house.

Basically, they are on an interest only mortgage and without his support, she is going to lose the house.

He is playing serious silly buggers because whatever equity is in the house (not a lot) he is determined to make sure that she doesn't get any (even if he doesn't either).

To me, a bystander, this doesn't sound right.

A woman with 4 children is about to be made homeless because of a drunk idiot who won't even take care of his own 3year old child.

Please, what suggestions can you make ??

This is very upsetting and unsettling for her and her children - who are very ordinary, nice people.

Please, serious suggestions.

She has gone to a Solicitor and CAB and neither have been much help.

She really doesn't have a pot to p*ss in (she drives around with loose change to cope with food, petrol etc).

Thanks in advance.

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I take it she can't get help from her previous partner - has she got the child support people involved (or threatened to)?

I know you say "nice ordinary people", but it sounds as if she has picked two consecutive deadbeats (what was his illness?) and this has been coming for a long time.

I think she is probably going to have to get repossessed; if she has 4 children presumably she will be fairly high up on the housing list. If her partner is drunk and vindictive he can probably stymie any scheme such as renting the house out that she comes up with. In order to separate from him she is probably going to have to lose the house.

With the summer vacation coming up fast are her students going to move on? That will compound the problem.

I can't see any way out of it except to live at a reasonable level (stocking up on kids clothing, car repairs etc) then stop paying the mortgage and wait to be repossessed. Stuff any spare cash under the mattress not in the bank!

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Sounds like she shouldn't have a mortgage.

Why did she have another kid after a 20 year relationship? And she had that kid with a drunk manipulator. Should one sympathise with someone who's made a mess of her life? Doesn't matter.

Get her to the CAB and local authority post haste - she'll end up OK, depending on how many of her kids are still dependent. LA might even buy the house and rent it back to her.

She can repay me and every other taxpayer later. Not.

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A lot of people go to the CAB / Solicitors and then complain they weren't much help. What they are really complaining about is that they didn't produce a magic wand, say Abracadabra and make everything all right. Presumably they told her she was up against it, and I'm afraid that's about the size of it. Sometimes repossession / bankruptcy is the best or only way to go.

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I take it she can't get help from her previous partner - has she got the child support people involved (or threatened to)?

I know you say "nice ordinary people", but it sounds as if she has picked two consecutive deadbeats (what was his illness?) and this has been coming for a long time.

I think she is probably going to have to get repossessed; if she has 4 children presumably she will be fairly high up on the housing list. If her partner is drunk and vindictive he can probably stymie any scheme such as renting the house out that she comes up with. In order to separate from him she is probably going to have to lose the house.

With the summer vacation coming up fast are her students going to move on? That will compound the problem.

I can't see any way out of it except to live at a reasonable level (stocking up on kids clothing, car repairs etc) then stop paying the mortgage and wait to be repossessed. Stuff any spare cash under the mattress not in the bank!

Thanks Cartimanua51,

She does get some help from previous partner - he pays the child school fees for child number 3 (the first 2 children are on scholarships).

I think she has got the CSA involved but p*ss-head has 5 children in total (not from 2 relationships either from what I remember).

The illness for number 1 is depression. They are still both on speaking terms and it sounds as though they did give it and their relationship a very good go.

The Drunkard's suggestion was for her to get out of the house and for them both to rent the house as an empty unit. When she confronted him with 'and where are me and your daughter supposed to live' he said it wasn't his problem.

Yes, you are dead right about the students / lodger. The lodger has already found a flat to move to in the next week. The students are foreign and are going back to their home countries in the next 2 weeks.

She is quite a posh lady (so ?!) and her 1st partner is a Valuer for a well known Auction house (fine art etc). Partner number 2 was a dreadful mistake by all accounts.

Not sure what you mean by stocking up. Her job earns her peanuts (and I mean that literally).

My advice to her was to try and save the house (as I'm convinced the uprooting of her posessions would be devastating for her). She's thinking of buying a shipping container and putting all her stuff in that and storing it somewhere.

To be honest, the more I think of it, the more it makes me really sad........

Thanks for your help - it really is appreciated.

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Hi,

I've got a female friend who is in a terrible situation - she is unmarried, her partner has left her in a deep mess.

She had 3 children from a previous 20year relationship (never married). She then left him (due to his illness which she could no longer cope with) and later on found a partner whom she had a little girl with (3 year old).

They (partner 2 and her) bought a house in joint names (I repeat, they didn't get married).

He, subsequently left her in the house all by herself which she has had to keep afloat using students and lodgers - and he paid towards the house by way of voluntary contributions (apparently he has a drink problem).

Recently, he had a bicycle accident and has been unable to work (he is a film editor). So he hasn't been able to pay towards the house.

Basically, they are on an interest only mortgage and without his support, she is going to lose the house.

He is playing serious silly buggers because whatever equity is in the house (not a lot) he is determined to make sure that she doesn't get any (even if he doesn't either).

To me, a bystander, this doesn't sound right.

A woman with 4 children is about to be made homeless because of a drunk idiot who won't even take care of his own 3year old child.

Please, what suggestions can you make ??

This is very upsetting and unsettling for her and her children - who are very ordinary, nice people.

Please, serious suggestions.

She has gone to a Solicitor and CAB and neither have been much help.

She really doesn't have a pot to p*ss in (she drives around with loose change to cope with food, petrol etc).

Thanks in advance.

I can't add anything helpful - all the good points have already been made. This poor lady will have to find some strength from somewhere (forget about looking for 'love') to deal with the loss of relationship and material security. Friends like you are worthy their weigh in gold. If her kids get at least one devoted and reliable parent they have a good chance of doing well, and now its about them. I actually think that a bit of deprivation (from experience) can be character building for children - they can grow up to me much more considerate, hard-working, unselfish and even happier.

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I suggest you post on mumsnet, they know about these things over there and are quite sympathetic to irresponsible people who irresponsibly bring children into the world with unreliable partners when they are old enough to know better and try moneysavingexpert too for those who have interest only mortgages that probably were obtained on liar loans who manage to stay in them on the rescue schemes. There are also people who would understand why it is necessary to keep paying for school fees when you can't pay for a roof, let alone uniforms, on mumsnet.

I seem to be feeling uncharacteristically uncharitable tonight, I blame the heat - am serious though that mumsnet and moneysaving expert will be helpful if anyone will.

Edited by TeddyBear

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I seem to be feeling uncharacteristically uncharitable tonight, I blame the heat - am serious though that mumsnet and moneysaving expert will be helpful if anyone will.

Doesn't look uncharitable to me: this post seems designed to press all the buttons of "why should we [taxpayers] pay for this person to go on living an overprivileged lifestyle most of us will never be able to afford, but to which she has hitherto helped herself?"

The never-never house and lots of sprogs might've been just a person with a lifelong expectation of being 'kept'. But school fees are a step too far by any sane standard! Get rid of those and the car, and she might start to get some sympathy from those of us who think the person who said "God helps those who help themselves" was making a sensible point.

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I would also suggest posting this on mumsent / moneysavingexpert as there is likely to be somebody who has been in a similar situation so can give advice on how it is likely to pan out. I don't think that there is here.

Edit: awe-full typos

Edited by Frank Hovis

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She is quite a posh lady (so ?!) and her 1st partner is a Valuer for a well known Auction house (fine art etc)....

... (as I'm convinced the uprooting of her posessions would be devastating for her). She's thinking of buying a shipping container,,,,,

It's a most unfortunate situation, but the suggestion that being "posh" should make some kind of difference, and make loss of possessions especially devastating, I find extraordinary.

I'll have to try "But I'm posh, you know" the next time I need to get rid of a bailiff, or don't want to pay a gas bill.

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Doesn't look uncharitable to me: this post seems designed to press all the buttons of "why should we [taxpayers] pay for this person to go on living an overprivileged lifestyle most of us will never be able to afford, but to which she has hitherto helped herself?"

The never-never house and lots of sprogs might've been just a person with a lifelong expectation of being 'kept'. But school fees are a step too far by any sane standard! Get rid of those and the car, and she might start to get some sympathy from those of us who think the person who said "God helps those who help themselves" was making a sensible point.

Oh stop it please - where is your compassion ??

She was in a relationship for 20years. Him an Art Valuer at 'posh Auction house (which you'd all have heard of)' , her a Ballet School Teacher. They weren't your common wayne-waynetta types (sorry, but you're even making me make judgements here).

And they were together for 20years - him developing Depression during that time.

So 3 children during that time does not seem unreasonable.

I suppose if she did marry him and then took him (legally) to the cleaners via the courts, your tone would then be what exactly ?? That she was a gold digger and that the legal system is unfair ??

I, as a man, have heard tooooooo many stories of irresponsible men who seem to think that the responsibility of providing for THEIR child stopped the moment after their relationship broke down (sooner if I'm being blunt).

That makes ME personally ashamed to be a member of the male species.

......just re-read your post and realised you're very ignorant. Go re-read my posts. Children 1&2 are on scholarships - do you understand what that means ?? Child 3 is paid for by P1 and is expected to get a scholarship in 2 years time or he'll go to a state school - it's child 4 from P2 that is this issue here as that little girl is a 3 year old and they're are about to lose their home due to a drunk fool. Therein lies the problem.

Edited by BigLog

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I'd support the mumsnet suggestion - my (very) occasional forays onto it have seen the fluffy bunnies and yummy mummies so derided on HPC, but also some tough cookies who have been through the wringer themselves and emerged bloody but unbowed!

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I'd support the mumsnet suggestion - my (very) occasional forays onto it have seen the fluffy bunnies and yummy mummies so derided on HPC, but also some tough cookies who have been through the wringer themselves and emerged bloody but unbowed!

Doing it right now. Thank you all for the helpful suggestions. I'll do my best to keep you posted.

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Oh stop it please - where is your compassion ??

Beaten into submission by the school of hard knocks.

She was in a relationship for 20years. Him an Art Valuer at 'posh Auction house (which you'd all have heard of)' , her a Ballet School Teacher. They weren't your common wayne-waynetta types (sorry, but you're even making me make judgements here).

And they were together for 20years - him developing Depression during that time.

So 3 children during that time does not seem unreasonable.

Indeed. An extended period as a rich family - lucky her. You'd have thought someone in that situation wouldn't be in a never-never house, though: one might raise an eyebrow at living beyond such very ample means. And no insurance either!

I suppose if she did marry him and then took him (legally) to the cleaners via the courts, your tone would then be what exactly ?? That she was a gold digger and that the legal system is unfair ??

How should I know? You haven't posted such a story on which to comment. But I thought the Child Support Agency acted against absent parents regardless of marital status. And FWIW, I'm not a supporter of marriage having any effect on their legal status.

I, as a man, have heard tooooooo many stories of irresponsible men who seem to think that the responsibility of providing for THEIR child stopped the moment after their relationship broke down (sooner if I'm being blunt).

Do they successfully escape the CSA? If so, one has to wonder what the CSA is for!

That makes ME personally ashamed to be a member of the male species.

The what?? Your ideas of biology boggle the mind.

......just re-read your post and realised you're very ignorant. Go re-read my posts. Children 1&2 are on scholarships - do you understand what that means ?? Child 3 is paid for by P1 and is expected to get a scholarship in 2 years time or he'll go to a state school - it's child 4 from P2 that is this issue here as that little girl is a 3 year old and they're are about to lose their home due to a drunk fool. Therein lies the problem.

There is a child with school fees paid, therefore there is a substantial stream of money that marks the family out as rich - even if others have declined. You also said something that implies there's a car. Plus the never-never house after 20 years on high income you described. The suggestion seems to be that you at least expect the taxpayer to fund a life that many taxpayers can't afford for themselves.

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I take it she can't get help from her previous partner - has she got the child support people involved (or threatened to)?

I know you say "nice ordinary people", but it sounds as if she has picked two consecutive deadbeats (what was his illness?) and this has been coming for a long time.

I think she is probably going to have to get repossessed; if she has 4 children presumably she will be fairly high up on the housing list. If her partner is drunk and vindictive he can probably stymie any scheme such as renting the house out that she comes up with. In order to separate from him she is probably going to have to lose the house.

With the summer vacation coming up fast are her students going to move on? That will compound the problem.

I can't see any way out of it except to live at a reasonable level (stocking up on kids clothing, car repairs etc) then stop paying the mortgage and wait to be repossessed. Stuff any spare cash under the mattress not in the bank!

She won't be high up the housing list because if your house is reposessed, then you are deemed to have made yourself voluntarily homeless.

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She won't be high up the housing list because if your house is reposessed, then you are deemed to have made yourself voluntarily homeless.

'Taint necessarily so. See the supplementary guidance published by the G'vt for local authorities in 2009

http://www.communities.gov.uk/publications/housing/intentionalhomelessnessguide

did the applicant’s home constitute accommodation that it would have been reasonable for him or her to continue to occupy? It would not have been reasonable for the applicant to continue to occupy his or her home, for example, if the home was not affordable, for example, because the applicant could not meet the cost of his or her mortgage commitments.

And ultimately, the LA has to take one of two actions if a woman with 4 young children is sitting on the council steps with their belongings in bags around them:

either

they find her emergency accomodation at, say, (depending on location, obviously) £1600 pm

or

they leave her sitting there, and eventually they will be scooped off the street in the midddle of the night by the Police who will drag the Social Services duty officer (or whatever they're called) out of bed and tell them to get it sorted. Then they have to take the children into care at a cost of at least £700 per child per week (NHS report figure), possibly much more if you prefer the groups who say it costs 4 times as much to keep a child in care as send him to Eton. Cost per month c£10,000.

What do you think the LA is going to do?

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Oh stop it please - where is your compassion ??

I should probably have added: if this was someone I knew and cared about, of course I'd be looking to help.

But sometimes the best help you can give (short of becoming a sugar-daddy for life) is a cold shower to adjust expectations. IIRC there's a biblical story about saving through seven years of plenty to survive seven of shortage. A person who has failed to save through twenty years of plenty needs her expectations adjusted, and I've identified two candidates for that based on nothing more than what you posted.

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I should probably have added: if this was someone I knew and cared about, of course I'd be looking to help.

But sometimes the best help you can give (short of becoming a sugar-daddy for life) is a cold shower to adjust expectations. IIRC there's a biblical story about saving through seven years of plenty to survive seven of shortage. A person who has failed to save through twenty years of plenty needs her expectations adjusted, and I've identified two candidates for that based on nothing more than what you posted.

How very judgmental of you.......

So when a woman stays at home for 20years to look after her 3 (then 4) children, whilst her partner (common law Husband) goes to work and provides, and who later on in life develops depression causing marital breakdown, sh*theads like you expect her to have saved for 20years for that eventuality ??

Like I said, you have no compassion nor any proper advice to provide apart from hindsight.

I sincerely hope the same happens to you one day to teach you a life lesson.

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How very judgmental of you.......

So when a woman stays at home for 20years to look after her 3 (then 4) children, whilst her partner (common law Husband) goes to work and provides, and who later on in life develops depression causing marital breakdown, sh*theads like you expect her to have saved for 20years for that eventuality ??

Like I said, you have no compassion nor any proper advice to provide apart from hindsight.

I sincerely hope the same happens to you one day to teach you a life lesson.

I sincerely hope you did not mean that. As the OP has posted, she has a job that pays peanuts. But, being a kept woman, she could have saved ALL that money. Even a cleaner would be well off after saving 20 years worth of salary.

She just did not keep any (or enough) for the rainy day, and yet still expects to live at the same level that she did. Tough, but maybe she and her children would do well to tighten their belts a bit.

If you think this is a sob story, just wait a few more years. There's much more pain to come.

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I sincerely hope the same happens to you one day to teach you a life lesson.

Not possible. I've never had the affluent lifestyle you describe, so I can't lose it.

And while I have had a couple of years of plenty recently, if they mount up to 20 (an unlikely eventuality, to be sure) I shall be in the position to draw a pension from what will, by then, be a seven-figure fund.

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I sincerely hope you did not mean that. As the OP has posted, she has a job that pays peanuts. But, being a kept woman, she could have saved ALL that money. Even a cleaner would be well off after saving 20 years worth of salary.

She just did not keep any (or enough) for the rainy day, and yet still expects to live at the same level that she did. Tough, but maybe she and her children would do well to tighten their belts a bit.

If you think this is a sob story, just wait a few more years. There's much more pain to come.

No she couldn't have saved all that money, I know her / there situation.

It's funny isn't it, that both a MAN and a WOMAN are needed to produce a child, but here she is being LUMBERED with 4 children to look after them FULL TIME and with NO MAN who was responsible for those 4 children standing up to their responsibilities LIKE A MAN.

Where's your criticism of the men involved here ??

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Not possible. I've never had the affluent lifestyle you describe, so I can't lose it.

And while I have had a couple of years of plenty recently, if they mount up to 20 (an unlikely eventuality, to be sure) I shall be in the position to draw a pension from what will, by then, be a seven-figure fund.

I worked in Pension's companies, the odds are stacked against you to live long enough to draw much if anything, there's a life lesson there for you.

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No she couldn't have saved all that money, I know her / there situation.

It's funny isn't it, that both a MAN and a WOMAN are needed to produce a child, but here she is being LUMBERED with 4 children to look after them FULL TIME and with NO MAN who was responsible for those 4 children standing up to their responsibilities LIKE A MAN.

Where's your criticism of the men involved here ??

Ive been reading this thread and trying desperately not to join in, but i just cant help it now.. you are starting to come across as a bit of an idiot now so your chances of getting any helpful answers are going down the pan.

Do you think capitals makes your points more valid than everyone elses?

Edited by Rozza

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Ive been reading this thread and trying desperately not to join in.................

But now that you have decided to join in you've made yourself look a right prize twit.

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