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Dave Beans

Open Relationships

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http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/open.html

Do they work? I have friends in long-term relationships (4 years+) who tell me how bored they are getting with their partners. One bought a house with his partner a couple of years ago, so he would find it difficult to escape, if he wanted to.

Is an open relationship a way of preventing divorce, or will it hasten it? I personally see monogamy in a 50 year relationship almost impossible, especially as people's libidos changes over time, especially after children.

If you can separate the physical side & emotional side of a relationship, I think open relationships could work.

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http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/open.html

Do they work? I have friends in long-term relationships (4 years+) who tell me how bored they are getting with their partners. One bought a house with his partner a couple of years ago, so he would find it difficult to escape, if he wanted to.

Is an open relationship a way of preventing divorce, or will it hasten it? I personally see monogamy in a 50 year relationship almost impossible, especially as people's libidos changes over time, especially after children.

If you can separate the physical side & emotional side of a relationship, I think open relationships could work.

Can't see many women doing that easily. Can't say it appeals to me but then I've never been in a long relationship.

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Guest absolutezero
I dont know. But I do know all the gay couples I see looking for others to have sex with are really ugly (without exception). I suspect theres a link there somewhere.

And on the "dating" website they all seem to flock round me.

Why is that!?

Something to do with me being 29 but looking about 19 maybe... Perverts.

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Perhaps people have too unrealistic expectations of what will happen in a long term relationship?

The buzz of first meeting someone is no longer there so you need to work at it.

I think do many people just want the easy option and want the buzz fix of meeting someone knew. People get bored move on, rather than trying to address the boredom with some effort.

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Guest Skinty

Depends what you want of a relationship. Sex? Companionship? Trust, loyalty and mutual support?

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Depends what you want of a relationship. Sex? Companionship? Trust, loyalty and mutual support?

the above is what we all SHOULD seek from a relationship, ok that's being over-prescriptive, but it's a broad idea

an awful lot of people just look to resolve parental conflicts from childhood, or other similar stuff. They fail to resolve them with their partner (who is uncannilty behaviourally like their mum or dad, first crush or whatever) so split up. And then do it all over again with someone similar 5 yrs later.

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A long term relationship is like ordering your favourite dish from your favourite restaurant every night. This is fine but we should also be able to nip out for a quick burger (or badly packed kebab) from down the road every now and again so we appreciate the favourite dish as we did on the first night.

I won't be trying to convince mrs breck of this though.

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The fact that this kind of open/casual relationship has never really caught on makes me suspect it's because of some sort of evolutionary hard-wiring.

Women want to be sure the father of their children sticks around until they are old enough to look after themselves, so they don't want a rival on the scene. Men want to be sure they are providing for their own offspring and not the children of another man.

So although some people will play the field from time to time, it will always be a bit of a guilty secret rather than something above board, because of the way society has evolved over millenia.

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Depends what you want of a relationship. Sex? Companionship? Trust, loyalty and mutual support?

It depends what the other person wants though doesn't it.

As I've mentioned before when I was going through a 'chaotic' phase in my mid-20s I had a married friend who was always giving me moralising lectures on that sort of theme (not that I'm say you are). Don't you want X, Y and Z? Well I did, but it never really worked out. "You need to lean to work at things tut tut tut", yeah right, what that forgets it that it takes two to tango. Anyhow, his wife left him and took their kids. He was left to moralise on his own. :( And I never said anything averse but it was bloody tempting.

Perhaps if he'd let her play the field they'd still be together?

Although I have to say I personally have zero tolerance for infidelity but it seems some people are more accepting.

If you are going to do that after the event, why not get the negotiating done up front?

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Religion has partly something to do with, as does "moral duty"...people stayed together in unhappy relationships because that was expected of them - and were almost ostracised if they did something against the norm. In our parents generation, you were seen as a bit strange, if you hadn't married and had kids by the time you were 25. Therefore, unsuited people got together, so that they in effect, wouldn't be disowned by their parents.

Relationships were seen like first-time buyers are/were - if you don't get on the ladder by the time your 30, then you've missed the boat - what utter nonsense..Its was a way of controlling the masses, which people are starting to realise that relationships are not the be all and end all. A lot of people are scared of being on their own, thus they go into ill-judged relationship, to get away from this loneliness. Being on your own allows you to grow in your own time & think for yourself.

If I got married now, I couldn't promise that I would stay completely faithful if I got married..men have been programmed to spread their seed as wide and as far as possible, whereas women have been the nurturers..Its simplistic I know, but I think its unrealistic to think that an affair or two wouldn't happen, over the course over a potential very long term relationship. Would you admit to this up-front, or just keep the affairs secret?

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, and that there are couples out there who have been together for 25 years, without incident, but I would think that these relationships could well be few and far between.

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Guest X-QUORK
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/open.html

Do they work? I have friends in long-term relationships (4 years+) who tell me how bored they are getting with their partners. One bought a house with his partner a couple of years ago, so he would find it difficult to escape, if he wanted to.

I think your mates need to realise that life is full of mediocrity. If we're lucky we get to enhance it with socialising, sport, nights out, family time, sex, etc, etc. For all of that though, most of us plough on in jobs we just do to earn rather than enjoy, and we spend our lives at home with someone we get on with most of the time, have a laugh, have the odd strop, watch a bit of telly together, etc, etc. It can't all be one long porn movie/Mills & Boon novel (delete as applicable for gender).

The problem is, a lot of younger people expect it to be one long Ibiza holiday/Gillette razor advert. It's not.

If these guys are bored with their partners they should either attempt to rejuvinate the relationship or get out...be men about it.

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Guest X-QUORK
I think its safe to say we are probably somewhere between the Gorillas and Bonobus but even in Gorillas the alpha male still have 2 or 3 females which is against the Human norm for society.

Gorillas don't have legal systems, so things like murder and bygamy don't exist in their world.

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Religion is why people are in a monogamous relationship. Its been the law and order of ye olde uneducated society for eons putting the Fear of God into anyone who stepped out of line.

Ah, 'religion', the old scapegoat. Those pesky vicars - they should stick to organising jumble sales!

So would you say there is no genetic/evolutionary component to monogamy (or at least, serial monogamy), eg the reasons I outlined previously around issues of paternity?

What about venereal disease and unwanted pregnancy? Until very recently, there would have been serious problems in living your life in an orgiastic free for all. Even just one session with a whore could result in congenital syphilis.

I think the church (which is after all composed of people from the society in which it exists) recognised these problems and thus avoiding them was part of what they preached as being a 'good' life. I don't think you can say that 'religion is why people are in a monogamous relationship'; it's a mixture of that and genetic imperative.

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Guest Parry aka GOD

Since the wife left in March, I've had open relationaships with 24 new girlfriends.

Wot?

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And on the "dating" website they all seem to flock round me.

Why is that!?

Something to do with me being 29 but looking about 19 maybe... Perverts.

Id have to see a picture. Im rather good at guessing ages from pics. <_<

Since the wife left in March, I've had open relationaships with 24 new girlfriends.

Wot?

Do they love you long time?

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Gorillas don't have legal systems, so things like murder and bygamy don't exist in their world.

Gorillas spend most of their waking day farting, apparently.

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http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/open.html

Do they work? I have friends in long-term relationships (4 years+) who tell me how bored they are getting with their partners. One bought a house with his partner a couple of years ago, so he would find it difficult to escape, if he wanted to.

Is an open relationship a way of preventing divorce, or will it hasten it? I personally see monogamy in a 50 year relationship almost impossible, especially as people's libidos changes over time, especially after children.

If you can separate the physical side & emotional side of a relationship, I think open relationships could work.

This is a subject that I have read about and know of people who have been in these types of relationships, my first point I would like to make to whether they work or not is that it might work for some and not others. When people ask if they work they need to ask themselves if monogomous relationships work, if you ask me they work the same if not better!

An open relationship is not going to prevent divorce, I would expect women in an open relationship to be happy for upto 2 years and then start to demand more commitment and possible end their relationship part.

For the physical & emotional side I do not believe by becoming seperate will help specifically but being emotionally in control and learning to master these areas will be very good!

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Perhaps people have too unrealistic expectations of what will happen in a long term relationship?

The buzz of first meeting someone is no longer there so you need to work at it.

I think do many people just want the easy option and want the buzz fix of meeting someone knew. People get bored move on, rather than trying to address the boredom with some effort.

It's coz the media/TV play mind-fuk games with us!

Think about the soaps millions are addicted to.

The few episodes of Eastenders i've been forced to sit thru (to be polite) have violent raging at each other every 5 minutes, family rows and breakdown - at each others throats constantly!

Normal behaviour?

Don't know what the rest of soaps are like > recent emergence of ladette 'culture' comes to mind!(i'm not picking on the girlies it's just a thought that comes to mind)

I've been punched(whacked) on more than one occasion by girlies in night clubs to get my attention - where do they learn that from?

If the MEDIA show violence/mouthing off to you enough times(to 'normalise' it) you will start to believe/emulate it! I'm quite certain it's one of their numerous tools they use to break up the family unit/social disintegration (manipulation) in UK!

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as a man if your looking to get into a life of abuse and a miserable relationship watch the soaps and do what they do!

No tv - researching the fokkers who are terrorising the population in spare time is far more 'entertaining' - and 'they' don't like having their crypt roofs peeled back either!

Pointless trying to explain this to anyone down the pub!

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I see open relationships as a collection friends where you enjoy others company in many different social settings beit going to the cinema, have a dinner together, bbq what ever but also sex.

Why is sex seen as a something so sacred, its just another part of the human psyche that enables one to have pleasure just like a good meal, a good film or CD? Pleasure is derived in many different ways.

that's fine in theory but it doesn't work in real life. You'd have to be very lucky to find someone who thought the exact same way as you. Most people want stability and someone who will be there forever. If you're f*cking all sorts then the fear is you'll meet someone who you like to f*ck and like as a person and want to be with them. Leads to all sorts of insecurities that can absolutely wreck a relationship.

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Guest X-QUORK
In one of my previous posts I've already stated the females want friendship first, and I've also said if one of them get too insecure I take the sex away from them so it remains a friendship.

Having also boosted their confidence in many ways so that some have lost weight and trimmed up quit nicely they are now living for themselves instead of living to please their friends and family.

That is the big difference, I've made them selfish in a way they were not previously and they like it. They also like the way I think, notably, theres always two sides to every story so they now stop and consider things when otherwise a kneejerk reaction would have ensued in say in a work situation.

I've also challenged them to think more and not just take someones word for it. Although I dont want to use the word I have in some ways empowered them.

Of course you have.

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