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The Hot Waitress

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Hot Waitress Economic Index

Who needs the GDP?

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(Photo: Sharon Dominick/Getty Images)

As if it wasn’t unpleasant enough, this recession comes with an info glut, all this economic data purporting to answer a simple question: Are things getting better? The answer is rarely straightforward. The numbers aren’t just confusing. They seem to be measuring some other planet.

In New York, we have our own economic indicators, often based on the degree to which people are being thwarted by the lack of opportunity. An old standby is the Overeducated Cabbie Index. The Squeegee Man Apparition Index is another good one. There’s also the Speed at Which Contractors Return Calls Index: within 24 hours, you’re in a recession; if they call you without prompting, that’s a depression.

The indicator I prefer is the Hot Waitress Index: The hotter the waitresses, the weaker the economy. In flush times, there is a robust market for hotness. Selling everything from condos to premium vodka is enhanced by proximity to pretty young people (of both sexes) who get paid for providing this service. That leaves more-punishing work, like waiting tables, to those with less striking genetic gifts. But not anymore.

A waitress at one Lower East Side club described to me what happened there: “They slowly let the boys go, then the less attractive girls, and then these hot girls appeared out of nowhere. All in the hope of bringing in more business. The managers even admitted it. These hot girls that once thrived on the generosity of their friends in the scene for hookups—hosting events, marketing brands, modeling—are now hunting for work.†A Soho restaurateur I know recently received applications from “a couple of classic Eastern European fembots. Once upon a time, these ladies must’ve made $1,500 a night lap dancing. At my place, they’re not going to make that in a week.â€

He didn’t hire them, though. Not every restaurant craves stripper-level pulchritude in their serving ranks. Many prefer competence. Rare indeed is the waitress who is so smoking that customers don’t mind when she drops a glass of Cabernet into their laps. But obviously hotness can provide an edge. Being cheerfully attended to by people who might otherwise look right through you is part of the dining experience.

To be actually useful, of course, the Hot Waitress Index must be a leading indicator, and there is good reason to believe that it is. Employment is generally thought to lag behind economic recovery, which is to say that jobless rates remain elevated, and even climb, after a recession has technically ended. But hotness occupies a privileged place in the employment picture. As a commodity that’s fairly cheap, historically effective as a marketing tool, and available on a freelance basis, hotness will likely be back in demand long before your average Michigan autoworker is. Or the rest of us, for that matter.

Until then, glance at your server and hope for the worst. The other night, I had a waitress who looked like Winona Ryder in her Heathers heyday. Winona Jr. was lovely, and she didn’t spill a thing on me. But I would’ve been far happier if she’d been a bald dude with a nose ring.

Linkkkkkk

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Hot Waitress Economic Index

Who needs the GDP?

Add a Comment

(Photo: Sharon Dominick/Getty Images)

As if it wasn’t unpleasant enough, this recession comes with an info glut, all this economic data purporting to answer a simple question: Are things getting better? The answer is rarely straightforward. The numbers aren’t just confusing. They seem to be measuring some other planet.

In New York, we have our own economic indicators, often based on the degree to which people are being thwarted by the lack of opportunity. An old standby is the Overeducated Cabbie Index. The Squeegee Man Apparition Index is another good one. There’s also the Speed at Which Contractors Return Calls Index: within 24 hours, you’re in a recession; if they call you without prompting, that’s a depression.

The indicator I prefer is the Hot Waitress Index: The hotter the waitresses, the weaker the economy. In flush times, there is a robust market for hotness. Selling everything from condos to premium vodka is enhanced by proximity to pretty young people (of both sexes) who get paid for providing this service. That leaves more-punishing work, like waiting tables, to those with less striking genetic gifts. But not anymore.

A waitress at one Lower East Side club described to me what happened there: “They slowly let the boys go, then the less attractive girls, and then these hot girls appeared out of nowhere. All in the hope of bringing in more business. The managers even admitted it. These hot girls that once thrived on the generosity of their friends in the scene for hookups—hosting events, marketing brands, modeling—are now hunting for work.†A Soho restaurateur I know recently received applications from “a couple of classic Eastern European fembots. Once upon a time, these ladies must’ve made $1,500 a night lap dancing. At my place, they’re not going to make that in a week.â€

He didn’t hire them, though. Not every restaurant craves stripper-level pulchritude in their serving ranks. Many prefer competence. Rare indeed is the waitress who is so smoking that customers don’t mind when she drops a glass of Cabernet into their laps. But obviously hotness can provide an edge. Being cheerfully attended to by people who might otherwise look right through you is part of the dining experience.

To be actually useful, of course, the Hot Waitress Index must be a leading indicator, and there is good reason to believe that it is. Employment is generally thought to lag behind economic recovery, which is to say that jobless rates remain elevated, and even climb, after a recession has technically ended. But hotness occupies a privileged place in the employment picture. As a commodity that’s fairly cheap, historically effective as a marketing tool, and available on a freelance basis, hotness will likely be back in demand long before your average Michigan autoworker is. Or the rest of us, for that matter.

Until then, glance at your server and hope for the worst. The other night, I had a waitress who looked like Winona Ryder in her Heathers heyday. Winona Jr. was lovely, and she didn’t spill a thing on me. But I would’ve been far happier if she’d been a bald dude with a nose ring.

Linkkkkkk

I need to get out more

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& if said 'hot waitresses' don't mind being taken from behind then the economy is (also) totally f-ucked?

& if they don't even notice, then there is no hope of recovery?

Am I getting it? :rolleyes::unsure:

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& if said 'hot waitresses' don't mind being taken from behind then the economy is (also) totally f-ucked?

& if they don't even notice, then there is no hope of recovery?

Am I getting it? :rolleyes::unsure:

We cant tell if you are getting it :)

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It works the other way around in the UK. In the boom, we had a shortage of native waitresses, so jobs were filled by girls from eastern Europe, who are in general hotter. Now the boom is over, the hotties will be going home, and we'll be left with the Nora Batty lookalikes.

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Guest bound

Thinking about it I have commented with friends when out for drink how hot the bar wenches have been lately.

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& if said 'hot waitresses' don't mind being taken from behind then the economy is (also) totally f-ucked?

& if they don't even notice, then there is no hope of recovery?

Am I getting it? :rolleyes::unsure:

you missed the GOTO {STD,clinic,private} FOR {treatment}

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& if said 'hot waitresses' don't mind being taken from behind then the economy is (also) totally f-ucked?

& if they don't even notice, then there is no hope of recovery?

Am I getting it? :rolleyes::unsure:

I think depression is when the waitress costs less than the starter ;)

And when you have to bring your own food to the restaurant to pay the waitress with, your economy is literally toast.

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I think depression is when the waitress costs less than the starter ;)

And when you have to bring your own food to the restaurant to pay the waitress with, your economy is literally toast.

As an employer of hot and not so hot waitresses (and waiters), it certainly doesn't do the business any harm to have a bit of eye candy on the floor. THe main priority however is whether or not they can do the job, work as part of a team and keep the customer satisfied!?!?!

It is fair to say when discussing waitresses that a good big'un will definitely not always beat a good lithe one!!!!!

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How are we doing on the skirt length index these days.

They should be getting longer (hard times).

Actually did not the maxi dress make a comeback recently?

Over to the girls...

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How are we doing on the skirt length index these days.

They should be getting longer (hard times).

Actually did not the maxi dress make a comeback recently?

Over to the girls...

If the skirt gets longer doesnt that mean it would be dearer due to more material :) or are girls more prudish when there is less money around???

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How are we doing on the skirt length index these days.

They should be getting longer (hard times).

Actually did not the maxi dress make a comeback recently?

Over to the girls...

Yup. Partner bought a couple the other week. However skirt length is a different thing to maxi dresses and in London they don't seem to be getting longer, at least not the ones I notice..............but that could be me I suppose

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Noticed this today when shopping. In M&S there were two men working there, one on the tills and one in the cafe. They were both well spoken, polite and in their late 30s. Probably degree educated and just needing any work they can manage. All seems a shame, what a waste.

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How are we doing on the skirt length index these days.

They should be getting longer (hard times).

Actually did not the maxi dress make a comeback recently?

Over to the girls...

The Maxi dress does seem to have made a comeback .However my wife tells me that there are rather a lot more short skirts around, because of course, I would not have noticed... ahem.

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If the skirt gets longer doesnt that mean it would be dearer due to more material :) or are girls more prudish when there is less money around???

No, apparently the feel-good factor of a booming economy encourages people to wear shorter skirts.

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The Maxi dress does seem to have made a comeback .However my wife tells me that there are rather a lot more short skirts around, because of course, I would not have noticed... ahem.

Dignity should always prevail.

A girl should rarely show more than an ankle

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The whole short skirt/economic boom is to do with confidence and exuberance.

Investopedia explains Skirt Length Theory

The idea behind this theory is that shorter skirts tend to appear in times when general consumer confidence and excitement is high, meaning the markets are bullish. In contrast, the theory says long skirts are worn more in times of fear and general gloom, indicating that things are bearish.

Even if more material is required during hard times, it's probably cheaper.

There is also another female index - 'the lipstick effect' - consumers cutting back, give themselves a cheer up treat with with the purchase of cheaper impulse products such as cosmetics. I wonder if more bars of chocolate get bought?

I'm sure I read somewhere that there is likely to be a mini-baby boom next year as people spend more time together and new ways to cheer themselves up. :rolleyes:

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