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swissy_fit

Men-women Joke Thread (niceish Ones Please)

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The Husband Store:

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

• You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights.

• The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, wow!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, are great in bed and have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

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The HPC International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(B) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

© After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed

and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off

limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is

forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for

another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is

strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar

of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not

the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you

may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask

who's playing. -->

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her

to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of

flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's

officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when

you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a

topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed

to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see

anything.

15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as

spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to

drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must

remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of

pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking

about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of

yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing

i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other

situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you

need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer

than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the

phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"

have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird

and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before

the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable

for her to drive yours. -->

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime,

green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for

Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an

Xbox 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's

Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you

really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you

informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the

guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts

to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys

smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your

wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next

fatty!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws

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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor girl. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

John

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Guest AuntJess

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background

checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two

men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the

men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that

you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill

her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my

wife. The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and

went into the room All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out

with tears in his eyes,

'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have

what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same

instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the

room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming,

crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat

from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

:lol:

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Man Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable

scientific fact*.

*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the

germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of

people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is

medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' - which, if a man caught,

he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half

and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary

groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain

they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their

simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is

that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots

of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed

and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful

condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are

the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full

blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head

literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The

A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady

medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim

of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around

enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact

that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has

remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women,

all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words

and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll

beat this monstrous disease together.

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THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...

"No. They're all at the funeral."

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

I answered, 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible! I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

And then the fight started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed - scared and naked - and jumped out the window.

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

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An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia. "Melbourne", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; what

number?"

"Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

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Man Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable

scientific fact*.

*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the

germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of

people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is

medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' - which, if a man caught,

he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half

and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary

groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain

they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their

simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is

that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots

of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed

and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful

condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are

the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full

blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head

literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The

A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady

medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim

of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around

enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact

that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has

remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women,

all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words

and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll

beat this monstrous disease together.

What is it with this man flu myth. Since when did men regularly visit GPs( my last visit was twenty years ago, other than an over 40s check) and I suggest someone checks the absentee records from work.

For the record celebrated my second day of swine flu with a 17 mile walk on Wednesday,thought it might help the paracetamol resistant headache.May regret this as seems to have aggrevated the chest infection.

Like the housing market hadn't spotted the danger of a w shaped recovery.

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What is it with this man flu myth. Since when did men regularly visit GPs( my last visit was twenty years ago, other than an over 40s check) and I suggest someone checks the absentee records from work.

For the record celebrated my second day of swine flu with a 17 mile walk on Wednesday,thought it might help the paracetamol resistant headache.May regret this as seems to have aggrevated the chest infection.

Like the housing market hadn't spotted the danger of a w shaped recovery.

Yeh, Yeh, had a wee little accident yesterday in the garden and accidently chain sawed both me legs off but did it stop me dragging myself into work today? Hell no!!

Couple of big plasters and a cup of tea... Sorted ;)

Might even try and glue em back on tonight.

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Yeh, Yeh, had a wee little accident yesterday in the garden and accidently chain sawed both me legs off but did it stop me dragging myself into work today? Hell no!!

Couple of big plasters and a cup of tea... Sorted ;)

Might even try and glue em back on tonight.

I am proud to have taken just 1/2 of a sick day since 1995.

My wife has taken 10 this month.

Of course, she has just had surgery, but really it's no excuse.

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A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

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Women's Lib International Conference

The first speaker; a lady from England, stood and said "During last

year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that

I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the

third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd

cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's

conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no

longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I

saw nothing.

After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I

saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd

again cheered).

The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass

year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack,

dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his

undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with

cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued.

"Afta DA first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta DA second day I nevah see

nuffin, but afta DA fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff

eye."

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HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell,

The difference Between Male and Female Birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...

See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done.

Bird.gif

Click on the picture

post-12527-1247863718_thumb.png

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DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in

their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in

front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the

wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his

coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why

are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we

first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so

sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside

him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my

face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail

for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

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To continue a theme

A woman in Boots sees a deal offering 5 boxes of Tampax for a pound. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, "Is that price correct?"

"Sure is," says the manager, "It's a special offer, 5 boxes for a pound and there are no strings attached!"

SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS...

Alan Shearer has announced that next years sponsorship of Newcastle Utd will be tampax...

A spokeman for tampax said:

"To sponsor a bunch of fannys going through a bad period is exactly our purpose..."

SKY SPORTS UPDATE.....

tampax have now pulled out of the deal and left a right bloody mess.....

Why is it that Tampax adverts always show women ice skating, dancing or playing volleyball?

The only activity my missus partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.

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