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Something More Terrifying Than The Prospect Of Financial Armageddon

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I've known the groom since <insert date here> when his main Friday night occupation was shagging <brides sister/best friend> which has continued to this day as his bit on the side.

You cna leave it at that at most weddings. :)

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Does not matter what you say - everyone is in a good mood and half cut - they will laugh at the shipping forecast if you read it in a jocular way.

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Does not matter what you say - everyone is in a good mood and half cut - they will laugh at the shipping forecast if you read it in a jocular way.

In that case do a presentation on the house price crash.

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Writing a best mans speech. Crappin myself.

You might want to consider doing the following, I did it as a best man, it brought the house down. It certainly broke the ice!

Give you ushers 20 (or what ever number you chose) envelopes with a short explanation letter and an old key. The letter should explain that when the best man in his speech says "if there is anyone one out there still with a key to the grooms key to his flat / house, I think now is the time to return it" Get the ushers to give these to any female 16 to 116 years old, pregnant girls are even better. The grannies loved it. You must write in there that this is a secret, don't spill the beans to anyone else. Just make sure no one, even the ushers know whats going to happen, just the chosen ladies.

When you say the magic words, all the women with a key will come up to the top table and hand over a key. What you can do is wait for the women to return to their tables and then say "we are still missing one key" and get a guy to come up to the groom with a key. When I did this the place was in uproar.

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You might want to consider doing the following, I did it as a best man, it brought the house down. It certainly broke the ice!

Give you ushers 20 (or what ever number you chose) envelopes with a short explanation letter and an old key. The letter should explain that when the best man in his speech says "if there is anyone one out there still with a key to the grooms key to his flat / house, I think now is the time to return it" Get the ushers to give these to any female 16 to 116 years old, pregnant girls are even better. The grannies loved it. You must write in there that this is a secret, don't spill the beans to anyone else. Just make sure no one, even the ushers know whats going to happen, just the chosen ladies.

When you say the magic words, all the women with a key will come up to the top table and hand over a key. What you can do is wait for the women to return to their tables and then say "we are still missing one key" and get a guy to come up to the groom with a key. When I did this the place was in uproar.

sounds great, don't know if I could pull that off but seriously thinking about it.

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Guest anorthosite

The groom is fair game. Make a joke about the bride and your life could be in danger.

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sounds great, don't know if I could pull that off but seriously thinking about it.

Trust me it's simple and works. I got that from a wedding photographer, I asked him what was the best speech he had ever heard, he came back with this gem of a story. I had people coming up to me after telling me how funny and original it was.

The best bit was, it was a very formal wedding, everyone on their best behaviour, a few nerves running around as well, as you would expect. After I did that, everyone started to relax and enjoy them selves. It can hardly fall flat anyway, it's just too funny and your involving so many people who loved being part of it.

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Writing a best mans speech. Crappin myself.

Did this for a mate who subsequently divorced when his wife ran off with someone else. Later he met another woman, decided to remarry & he then asked me to do it again.

Opening line - "so, here we all are again..."

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Trust me it's simple and works. I got that from a wedding photographer, I asked him what was the best speech he had ever heard, he came back with this gem of a story. I had people coming up to me after telling me how funny and original it was.

The best bit was, it was a very formal wedding, everyone on their best behaviour, a few nerves running around as well, as you would expect. After I did that, everyone started to relax and enjoy them selves. It can hardly fall flat anyway, it's just too funny and your involving so many people who loved being part of it.

If you don't do the above, you can always start with the line " It appears someone has stolen my speech notes............ now would be a very good time to return them" I got a good laugh right from the start with that, especially when you put the helpless and panic struck look on! I was casually searching all my pockets at the same time.

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I've seen some horrendous things during best mans speeches. Complete character assassinations in the name of humour, Flip charts, slide shows, the singing of a self penned song that lasted eight interminable verses, floods of tears even.

It's a very English for the best man to humiliate the groom and themselves rather than speak of love, respect and friendship in public.

The best one I ever heard lasted less than a minute, everyone laughed but we were also able to reflect for that brief instant on genuine affection. There was no need for juvenile gimmicks.

Edited by Bring forth the guillotine

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Writing a best mans speech. Crappin myself.

Try this one....

Johnny and Marys marriage is a love match, pure and simple, i mean Mary is so pure and johnny is so.......and tail off.

lifted from mitch someone or others book.

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You might want to consider doing the following, I did it as a best man, it brought the house down. It certainly broke the ice!

Give you ushers 20 (or what ever number you chose) envelopes with a short explanation letter and an old key. The letter should explain that when the best man in his speech says "if there is anyone one out there still with a key to the grooms key to his flat / house, I think now is the time to return it" Get the ushers to give these to any female 16 to 116 years old, pregnant girls are even better. The grannies loved it. You must write in there that this is a secret, don't spill the beans to anyone else. Just make sure no one, even the ushers know whats going to happen, just the chosen ladies.

When you say the magic words, all the women with a key will come up to the top table and hand over a key. What you can do is wait for the women to return to their tables and then say "we are still missing one key" and get a guy to come up to the groom with a key. When I did this the place was in uproar.

If the groom had given out his keys to x number of girls in the past how would you know there was one missing?

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Guest theboltonfury
Writing a best mans speech. Crappin myself.

Nothing racist (heard a crackingly misplaced Chinese joke at a recent wedding), nothing to force a divorce and try not to use the f word.

Remember, they really want you to be funny

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Replying to Something More Terrifying Than The Prospect Of Financial Armageddon

God I thought you were going to tell me I was related to Rinoa! Phew :rolleyes:

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A few old 'uns

'They say that marriage is like warfare. Long periods of boredom interrupted only by moments of violent hostility'.

'I remember my own wedding. She was all in white, and I was white and all in....'

'The difference between one's wife and the IRA? You can negotiate with the IRA...'

'It starts when she sinks in your arms, and ends with your arms in the sink'

'I wear the trousers in our marriage. You can see them under my apron...'

Edited by juvenal

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A few old 'uns

'They say that marriage is like warfare. Long periods of boredom interrupted only by moments of violent hostility'.

'I remember my own wedding. She was all in white, and I was white and all in....'

'The difference between one's wife and the IRA? You can negotiate with the IRA...'

'It starts when she sinks in your arms, and ends with your arms in the sink'

'I wear the trousers in our marriage. You can see them under my apron...'

Yeah a few gags get them going.

'They say that love is blind, and marriage is an institution. Who wants to live in an institution for the blind?'

'My wife's an angel'

'You're lucky - mine's still alive!'

'My wife took all my money and left me.'

'You're lucky. My wife took all my money but she's still here'

etc.

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A few oldies:

"They say marriage is a 3-ring circus..........engagement ring......wedding ring.........suffering!!"

The best match is a blind wife and a deaf husband.......

Women love a romantic church wedding........aisle, altar,hymn (I'll alter him!!!!)

Oh and slightly off topic an ancient joke for you:

Q: Why do women always smile when they walk down the aisle?

A: Because they know they've given their last BJ

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What you can do is wait for the women to return to their tables and then say "we are still missing one key" and get a guy to come up to the groom with a key. When I did this the place was in uproar.

Trust me it's simple and works. I got that from a wedding photographer, I asked him what was the best speech he had ever heard, he came back with this gem of a story. I had people coming up to me after telling me how funny and original it was.

The best bit was, it was a very formal wedding, everyone on their best behaviour, a few nerves running around as well, as you would expect. After I did that, everyone started to relax and enjoy them selves. It can hardly fall flat anyway, it's just too funny and your involving so many people who loved being part of it.

Ohhhh so the gay guy handing in the key is in on it too. :lol:

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