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Economic Models Explained

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Not sure how many have already received this by email but thought it was worth a post on a bank holiday weekend.

Economic Models Explained

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity..

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

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Injinism

We all have a cow but as none of us really exists, its all a bit unimportant..

Edited by weebag

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What is important?

Making the most of ever day.

Smiling

Having fun

Enjoying yourself

Respecting other people

Being enthusiastic

Having friends

Love

Oh, and MotoGP. :P

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Siblisim

You have two cows.

They’re both dead and decomposing, but you continue to milk them anyway

LOL.

Hamishism.

You have two cows, you wear a kilt and all three of you are bare arsed.

Edited by OnlyMe

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HPCism

You have 2 Cows

You then realise there's more money to be made breeding Bears

Any bulls you may have had catch a nasty wasting disease and you are forced to sell them for 25-50% below their mid-2007 Rightmoooove asking price...

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UK PUBLIC SECTOR

After the acquisition of the 2 cattle, your local council proudly announces the creation of 10 new jobs under the new Department of Bovine Utility:

Chief Executive of Bovine Utility

Educational Agriculture Officer

Cultural and Religious Impact Assessment Officer

Vegetarian and Vegan Liaison Officer

Livestock Welfare Compliance Officer

5 Bovine Experience Service Operatives

Contractors are engaged to milk the system cattle.

After 24 months with no return on investment, the cattle are assessed by a specialist consultant to be neutered males.

Edit: Strikethrough of "system" didn't work for some reason :(

Edited by happyhaddock

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Not to forget:

Bovine Equalities and Opportunities Adviser

To ensure that one cow doesn't get ahead of the other.

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China (revised)

You have two cows.

You milk them

Then you dilute the milk 100 to 1 with dirty well water

Then you add some chemicals to make it look white

Then you bribe the local purchaser to buy it for baby milk powder

Scotland

You have two cows

You clone the cows to produce 100 more and let the bull go to the pub

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MPism

You haven't got two cows and never have had. You have two homes. You claim expenses for running the second one.

Your wife is an MP also. She claims that your first home is her second one and claims expenses for running it.

You discover that you have not reached the ceiling for expenses in the current year. You now have two cows and claim for the cost of keeping them.

Your wife has two cows in your London flat and claims for animal feed and vet costs.

Your expenses claims are published in the Daily Telegraph. You haven't got four cows. You hold a public meeting and say that the cows were a mistake.

You are not going to be an MP after the next election. You are considering becoming a dairy farmer because of your recent experience.

p-o-p

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Dr Bubbism

You had 2 cows and sold them, long ago, putting the proceeds into mining shares. You tell every dairy farmer you meet how many cows worth of mining stock you have and how clever you are until the cows come home. Oh, they can't...

Daniel Day-Lewism

You have 2 cows. Every morning you startle them by screaming at the top of your lungs "I drink your milkshake!".

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MPism

You haven't got two cows and never have had. You have two homes. You claim expenses for running the second one.

Your wife is an MP also. She claims that your first home is her second one and claims expenses for running it.

You discover that you have not reached the ceiling for expenses in the current year. You now have two cows and claim for the cost of keeping them.

Your wife has two cows in your London flat and claims for animal feed and vet costs.

Your expenses claims are published in the Daily Telegraph. You haven't got four cows. You hold a public meeting and say that the cows were a mistake.

You are not going to be an MP after the next election. You are considering becoming a dairy farmer because of your recent experience.

p-o-p

Alternative version:

You claim that having 2 cows in each residence is justifiable as you NEED 2 homes and it would be ridiculous to move 2 cows from one home to the other.

You also claim for a £17,000 for a cow island and repairs to the newly constructued moat surrounding it on the basis that the cows are having to live away from their primary residence.

You claim for a toilet brush but admit this was in error and repay the 80 pence it cost.

EDIT: and for those smart arses who noticed that there are cows at each residence, they are staying at each other's residence and claiming the other as their second home! So there!!!

Edited by the end is nigh

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SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

Only your neighbour turns out to be a nazi.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

There seems to be some milk missing, and our Great Leader is eating an icecream

Edited by Fraccy

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China (revised)

You have two cows.

You milk them

Then you dilute the milk 100 to 1 with dirty well water

Then you add some chemicals to make it look white

Then you bribe the local purchaser to buy it for baby milk powder

You are then shot in the back of the head and your family is given the bill for the bullet.

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BLAIRISM

You have two cows

One of them dies - you are very sad because it was the people's cow

You decide the other cow was in fact a bison

You get a job with a bank and go on a world tour promoting inter-cow/bison harmony

Nobody cares

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Feudalism

You have two cows

You ride around on them conquering other pepoles cows until you have ALL THE COWS

Monarchy

You have two cows except you also have all the cows after a bit of fuedalism

Theres not alot of competition so you crown one of your cows king and live happily everafter

Democracy

You have two cows and all the other cows after a bit of monarchyism.

It gets boring being king so you delegate non cow owning duties to a democratically elected herd of sheep that are like cows except there are not as interesting

The sheep get excited and make all sorts of laws and acts and stuff relating to non cow owning issues.

All cows are still owned by the fuedal boss and people have to rent pictures of cows if they want a taste of the action.

Revolutionaryism

You have no cows

You kill all the cow owners and then you have 2 cows

pervertism

you have two cows and you film them having sex with young girls

you make a fortune on the internet

Reactionaryism

You have two cows

you stick methane converters up their asses to protect the environment

Evolutionaryism

You have two cows

They evolve sentience and take note of the stupidity of humans

The average cow now has two humans

Cowism

You have two humans

They are not good for much

They have little meet

You cant milk them

They are really boring

You stick them into pods and extract electrical power to charge machines that you have built

Cowism Reloaded

You have two humans

But one has escaped and he has secrets that could topple the cow empire

You dispatch Agent Smith to kill them

Edited by 50%deposit

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